Script (Act 1, Scenes 1 to 6)Scene 1Harry is sitting by himself on his trunk. He looks worried and anxious as he looks around and pushes the hair out of his eyes and begins to sing.Song: Get Back To HogwartsHarry Potter: Underneath these stairsI hear the sneers and feel glares ofmy cousin, my uncle and my aunt.Can't believe how cruel they areand it stings my lighting scarto know that they'll never ever give me what I want.I know I don't deserve thesestupid rules made by the Dursleyshere on Privet drive.Can't take all of these muggles,but despite all of my struggles,I'm still alive.I’m sick of summer and this waiting around.Man, its September, and I’m skipping this townHey It’s no mystery, threes nothing here for me nowHe stands up.I gotta get back to Hogwarts;I gotta get back to school.Gotta get myself to Hogwarts,where everybody knows I'm cool.Back to wizards and witches, and magical beasts,to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts.It’s all that I love, and it's all that I need.HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS, I think I'm going back---I'll see my friends, gonna laugh 'til we crytake my Firebolt, gonna take to the skyNO WAY this year anyone's gonna die, and it's gonna be totally awesome.I'll cast some spells, with a flick of my wanddefeat the dark arts, yeah bring it on!And do it all with my best friend Ron, 'cause together we're totally awesome.Ron Weasley: Yeah, and it's gonna be totally awesome! Did somebody say Ron Weasley?They hug and ad lib greeting (i.e. hey man, what’s up? How ya doing’?) Ron: Hey, sorry it took me so long to get here. I had to go get some Floo Powder, but, uh, we gotta get going. Get your trunk and let’s go!Harry: Where’re we going?Ron: To Diagon Alley, of course!Harry: Cool!Ron: C’mon!Harry & Ron: (while flapping arms) Floo Powder power! Floo Powder power!
Song continues-Ron It's been so long, but we're going backdon't go for work, don't go there for class.Harry: As long as were together—Ron: -- gonna kick some assHarry & Ron: and it’s gonna be totally awesome!This year we'll take everybody by storm,stay up all night, sneak out of our dorm Hermione pops up behind them. Hermione Granger: but let's not forget that we need to perform well in classif we want to pass our OWLS! They arrive in Diagon Alley, where people rush back and forth upstage. Ron: Aw, Hermione, why do you have to be such a buzz kill?Hermione: Because, guys, school’s not all about having fun. We need to study hard if we’re gonna be good witches and wizards! Ugh! I may be frumpy, but I'm super smartcheck out my grades, they're "A's" for a startwhat I lack in looks well I make up in heart,and well guys, yeah, that's totally awesome.this year I plan to study a lot...Ron: That would be cool if you were actually hot!Harry: Hey Ron, come on, we're the only friends that she's got!Ron: and that's cool...Hermione: and that's totally awesome!Harry, Ron & Hermione: Yeah it's so cool, and it's totally awesome!We're sick of summer and this waiting around!It's like we're sitting in the lost and found!Don't take no sorceryfor anyone to see how... We gotta get back to Hogwarts.We gotta get back to school.We gotta get back to Hogwarts,where everything is magic-cooooool! Ensemble: Back to wizards and witches, and magical beaststo goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts.it's all that I love, and it's all that I need atHOGWARTS, HOGWARTSHarry, Ron & Hermione: --- I think we're going back... Scene 2Ginny Weasley: Ron! You were supposed to take me to Madame Malkin’s and use those sickles Mom gave you for my robe fittings!Harry: Uh, who’s this?Ron: Uh, this is stupid, little dumb sister Ginny. She’s a freshman. Ginny, this is Harry. Harry Potter. It’s Harry Potter. Ginny and Harry shake hands. Ginny: Aw, you’re Harry Potter! You’re The Boy Who Lived!Harry: Yeah, and you’re Ginny.Ginny: It’s Ginevra.Harry: Cool. Ginny’s fine.Ron: Stupid sister! (He claps in her face) Don’t crowd the famous friend!Hermione: Do you guys hear music or something?Harry: Music? What are you talking about?Ron: Yeah, someone’s coming! Whoa! They notice three girls, an Asian one in the front, all dancing Japanese-like. Cho’s Posse: Cho ChangDomo arigato, Cho ChangGung Hey Fat Choy, ChangHappy Happy New Year, Cho Chang Ginny: Aw, who’s that?Harry: That’s Cho Chang.Ron: Yeah, that’s the girl Harry totally been in love with since freshman year.Hermione: Yeah, but he won’t say anything to her!Ron: Well, yeah, you never tell a girl you like her. It makes you look like an idiot. Ginny goes over and taps the Asian girl on the shoulder. Ginny: (bows) Konnichiha, Cho Chang! It is good to meet you! My name is Ginny Weasley!Lavender Brown: Bitch I ain’t Cho Chang!Ron: That’s Lavender Brown! (Claps in her face) Racist sister!Cho Chang: (with a Southern accent) Oh, it’s alright! I’m Cho Chang, y’all.Harry: She is totally perfect!Ron: Yeah, too bad she’s dating Cedric Diggory.Harry: What? Who the Hell is Cedric Diggory?!? What is that? Who is that guy? Cedric comes between the four and sweeps his arms so they all fall down. Cedric Diggory: Oh, Cho ChangI am so in love with Cho Changfrom Bangkok to Ding DangI sing my love aloud for Cho Chang! Cho, Cedric and Cho’s Posse exit. Harry: Uh! I hate that guy!
Ron: So are we gonna get those robes or not!?
Ginny: OK! ALL RIGHT! I'M GOING!
Ron: GOD SISTER!
They all leave. Nevil enters from stage right. Goyle and Crab enter from stage left. They bump into each other. Nevil exclaims in suprise.
Goyle: Present your arm nerd!
Nevil gives him his arm
Nevil: What-what are you gonna d-
Goyle points wand at Nevil's arm
Goyle: indian burn hex!
Nevil screams in pain and falls to the ground. Harry, Ron, Hermoine aand Ginny appear behin him.
Ron: Urgh! Crab and Goyle!
Harry: Hey! Why don't you leave Nevil Lngbottom alone!
Ginny: Are you ok?
Ginny helps Nevil to his feat and takes him to stage right.
Goyle: Well, well, well, well if it isn't Harry Potter. You think just because you're famous you can boss everyone around!
Harry: No I just don't think it's cool for guys of your size to be picking on guys like Nevil! Come on!
Goyle: Oh well you know what I think?! I think glasses are for nerds!
He takes off Harry's glasses and breaks them. Harry yells complaint.
Goyle: We hate nerds!
Crab: Hate nerds!
Harry takes back his glasses and ad libs complaint (ie Oh no! My glasses!)
Ron: Well you asked for it! You don't mess with Harry Potter he beat the dark lord when he was just a baby!
He hides behind Hermione..
Hermoine: Ok, ok. Veryone just calm down!
She points her wand at Harry's glasses.
Hermoine: Oculous Reparo!
Harry puts his fixed glasses back on.
Harry: Wow cool!
Hermoine: Now lets leave theses baby childish jerks alone! They start to leave. Draco Malfoy enters. Draco Malfoy: Did someone say Draco Malfoy?!?Harry: What do you want, Draco?Malfoy: Crab, Goyle, be a dear and go pay for my robes, will you? So, Potter, back for another year at Hogwarts, are you? Maybe this year you’ll wise up and hang out with a higher caliber of wizard.Harry: Hey, listen, Malfoy, (puts his arms around Ron and Hermione) Ron and Hermione are my best friends in the whole world. I wouldn’t trade them for anything. During Harry’s lines, Ginny tries to put her arm around Ron but is pushed off. Malfoy: Have it your way. (He notices Ginny) Wait. Don’t tell me. Red hair, hand-me-down clothes and a stupid complexion? You must be a Weasley.Ron: Oh my god lay off Malfoy. She may be a pain in the ass, but she’s my pain in the ass. The gang exits. Malfoy: Well, isn’t this cute! It’s like a little loser family. Hogwarts has really gone the dogs. Luckily next year I’ll be transferred to Pigfarts!This year you bet, gonna get outta herethe reign of Malfoy is drawing nearIll have the greatest wizard career,and its gonna be totally awesome Look out world, for the dawn of the dayWhen everyone will do whatever I sayAnd Potter won’t be in my way, and thenI’ll be the one who is totally awesome! Goyle: Yeah you’ll be the one who is totally awesome.Hermione: C’mon, guys, we’re gonna miss the train! The entire cast gets into three lines. Ensemble: Who knows how fast this year’s gonna go?Hand me a glass, let the butterbeer flow At this point the cast starts to make train motions that gradually speed up. Harry: Maybe at last, I’m gonna talk to Cho!Ron: Oh no, that be WAY too awesome!Ensemble: Were back to learn everything that we canit’s great to come back to where we beganand here we are (they lurch forward as if the train has just stopped),and alakazam! (they jump into the air)! Here we go, this is totally awesome!Come on and teach us everything you knowthe summers over and were itchin’ to goI think we’re ready for Neville Longbottom: Albus Dumbledore!Ensemble: Oooooo Ahhhhhh. Cast pulls two benches to either side of the stage. Albus Dumbledore enters. Professor Albus Dumbledore: Welcome, all of you to Hogwarts.I welcome all of you back to schoolDid you know that here at Hogwartswe’ve got a hidden swimming pool? Welcome, welcome, welcome HogwartsWelcome, all you hotties, nerds, and toolsNow that I've got you here at HogwartsI’d like to go over just a couple of rules:My name is Albus Dumbledore and I am Headmaster of Hogwarts. You can all call me Dumbledore. Suppose you could also call me Albus-if you wanted detention. I’m just kidding. I’ll expel you if you call me Albus. Ensemble: Back to wizards and witches, and magical beaststo goblins and ghosts and to magical feastsit's all that I love, and all that I need.At HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS Back to spells and enchantments, potions and friendsTo Gryffindors!Hufflepuffs!Ravenclaws!Slytherins!Back to the place where our story beginsit’s Hogwarts, Hogwarts,Dumbledore: I’m sorry, what’s its name?Ensemble: Hogwarts, HogwartsDumbledore: I didn’t hear you kids!Ensemble: Hogwarts, HogwartsHarry: Man, I’m glad I’m back. Scene 3The students take seats on the benches, with Gryffindors on stage right and everybody else on stage left. Ron is eating in almost every scene, and in this one he’s eating some kind of noodle dish in Styrofoam. Dumbledore: Welcome to another magical year at Hogwarts! And a very special welcome to my favorite student, Mr. Harry Potter. He killed Voldemort when he was just a baby. He’s even got that little lightning scar on his forehead to prove it. And another very special welcome to our newest addition to Gryffindor, Mr. Ginny -‘scuse me- Ms. Ginny Weasley.Ginny: (stands up) Um, yeah, I’m a girl, and, um, also, aren’t we supposed to be sorted by the Sorting Hat? (Sits down)Dumbledore: Uh, a funny thing happened to the Sorting Hat. He actually got hitched with another piece of enchanted magical clothing. Basically I’ve just been putting anyone who looks like a good guy into Gryffindor, anyone who looks like a bad guy into Slytherin and the other two can just go wherever the hell they want, I don’t really care.Cedric: (stands up) Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders!Dumbledore: What the HELL is a Hufflepuff? Cedric smiles awkwardly for a moment then sits down. Dumbledore: Anyways, it is time now for me to introduce my very good friend and our own Potions professor, Mr. Severus Snape.Ron: Aw, Snape? I’d hoped they’d fired that guy!Ginny: What’s wrong with Professor Snape?Ron: Uh, nothing, he’s just, uh, evil! Severus Snape enters. Harry: C’mon, Ron, he’s really not that bad. I mean-Professor Severus Snape: Harry Potter! Detention!Harry: (Stands up) What?Snape: For talking out of turn! Harry sits back down. Snape: Now, before we begin, I’m going to give you all your very, very first pop quiz. Everybody groans, except for Hermione, who cheers. Hermione: Yes!Snape: Can anyone tell me what a portkey is?Hermione: Oo! (She raises her hand)Snape: Yes, Ms. Granger.Hermione: A portkey is an enchanted object that when touched will transport the one or ones who touch it to anywhere on the globe decided upon by the enchanter.Snape: Very good! Now can anyone tell me what foreshadowing is? Hermione raises her hand again. Snape: Yes, Ms. Granger.Hermione: Foreshadowing is a dramatic device in which an important plot point is mentioned earlier in the story to return later in a more significant way.Snape: Perfect!Ron: What’s a portkey again? I missed that one.Hermione: A portkey is something that when you touch it it’ll transport you anywhere.Ron: (Over Hermione) Not you! Ah, never mind.Snape: And remember, a portkey can be any sort of seemingly harmless object, like, a football, or a dolphin!Lavender: Professor?Snape: Yes?Lavender: Can, like, a person be a portkey?Snape: No, that’s absurd. ‘Cause then if that person we’re to touch themselves, (looks meaningfully at Ron) they would constantly be transported into different places. A person can, however, be a horcrux.Harry: What’s a- What’s a horcrux?Snape: I’m not even going to tell you Harry, you’ll find out soon enough.Hermione: Professor, what is the point of this quiz?Snape: Oh, no, no point in particular. Just important information that everyone should know. (he points into the audience) Especially you! Now, moving right along, there are four houses in all. Gryffindor (there’re cheers from stage right), Ravenclaw (a few cheers from stage left), Hufflepuff-Cedric: Find!Snape: What? And Slytherin (Goyle does a snake movement with his arms while the other Slytherins hiss). Traditionally points are given for good behavior and deducted for rule breaking. For example, ten points from Gryffindor! (Confused mutterings for stage right) For Ms. Granger’s excessive baby fat.Harry & Ron: Thanks, Hermione!Snape: Traditionally, the house with the most points at the end of the year would win the House Cup. However, this year we’re doing things a bit differently. Here to introduce it is our new Dark Arts Professor, Professor Quirrell. Harry’s scar starts to hurt. He puts a hand to it and starts yelling as Quirinus Quirrell enters stage left. Because Voldemort is on the back of his head, Voldemort stands and walks back to back with Quirrell while his face is hidden under Quirrell’s turban. Quirinus Quirrell: (with a slight stutter) The House Cup. A time honored tradition. For centuries-Malfoy: Go home, terrorist!Quirrell: For centuries, the houses of Hogwarts have competed for the honor and glory of holding the title of House Champion. But where does this competition come from, and what are the roots of the tradition? Hermione raises her hand and speaks quickly. Hermione: The House Cup Tournament began with the first generation of Hogwarts students.
Quirrell: That was a rhetorical question.
Dumbledore: Granger, quit interrupting. Twenty points from Gryffindor.Harry & Ron: Thanks, Hermione!Quirrell: As I was saying, when the Tournament first originated it was one of a completely different sort. One champion from each of the four houses would compete in a series of dangerous tasks. The winner would not only win the Cup, they would also win eternal glory.Hermione: Kind of like the Twiwizard Tournament!Quirrell: Yes, sort of like the Triwizard tounament, except no, not like that at all. There are four houses. How could it be the Triwizard Tournament with four teams?Hermione: Well, Professor, if I remember correctly, the House Cup Tournament was disbanded after one semester when one student was killed during the first task.Quirrell: Yes, it is very dangerous, but the rewards far outweigh the risks.Hermione: I don’t think you heard me! I just said somebody died!Dumbledore: Hermione Granger, shut your ungodly lopsided mouth and quit interrupting! Twenty more points!Harry & Ron: Thanks, Hermione!Dumbledore: God! For the cleverest witch of your age you really can be a dumbass sometimes. (Other students laugh at her) Ten points to Dumbledore!Quirrell: Yes, well, it will be very dangerous, but the winner will be remembered as a hero for ages to come. And, as the Professor of Defense against the Dark Arts, I believe that this practical application is exactly what the curriculum needs to- Voldemort sneezes under Quirrell’s turban. Dumbledore: Professor, did your turban just sneeze?Quirrell: What? No. (he starts to back off stage right)Dumbledore: I could have sworn I just heard a sneeze coming from your direction, but your mouth wasn’t moving.Quirrell: No, no, that was simply a fart. I must be going. (Voldemort continues to sneeze, and Harry’s scar starts to hurt again as Quirrellmort gets near him.) I simply farted once more. Quirrellmort exits. Dumbledore: Now, with the newly resurrected House Cup, a champion from each of the four houses will be selected to compete! So, Snape, would you do us the honors, please? Snape come on with The Cup. Snape: Yes, Headmaster. First from the Ravenclaw house (he pulls out a piece of paper), Ms. Cho Chang,Cho: Oh my god I’ve won! I can’t believe they called me!Snape: Next, from Hufflepuff, (pulls out another) Mr. Cedric Diggory.Cedric: (stands up) Well, I don’t FIND this surprising at all!Cho: Perfect! Snape: Next, from the Slytherin house, (pull out another) Draco Malfoy!Malfoy: (stands up) Ha! Oh, I finally beat you, didn’t I, Potter! (he struts over to Harry) What do you think of that, huh? (he tries to reach over to get in Harry’s face but ends up collapsing onto the first row of Gryffindors and falling on the floor) I’m the champion this time!Dumbledore: Draco, will you sit down, you little elf! Champion’s just a title.Snape: And finally, from the Gryffindor house, (pulls out a paper) oh my! Well, isn’t this curious! The one person in all of Hogwarts whom I bear no grudge against is suddenly in a tournament where he may very well lose his life.Neville: (stands up) It's me. I'd like to apologize right now to my fellow Gryffindors right now for losing-Snape: Sit down, you inarticulate bumble! It’s Harry Potter!Dumbledore: Well, here you are, folks, the four Hogwarts champions. Now, I want all of you to start preparing immediately, because the first task is in two months and it could be anything. So let’s get to it! Everybody except Harry, Ron and Hermione starts to leave cheering “Cho Chang! Cho Chang!” malfoy tries to start the same thing with his name, but fails. Harry and Ron remain sitting while Hermione paces. Scene Ron: Harry you got this tournament in the bag!
Harry: I don’t know, man. Cedric Diggory. He’s pretty awesome. NOT! He sucks! I’m totally gonna win! Harry and Ron high-five.Hermione: I don’t know, Harry…Ron: Oh my god, Hermione. Shut up! Why do you have to rain on everybody’s parade?Hermione: Because, Ron, this is dangerous!Harry: Dangerous? Come one, Hermione, how dangerous can it be? Especially for me.Hermione: You’re not invincible, Harry. Someone DIED in this tournament.Harry: Uh, I’m the Boy that LIVED, not DIED. What’s the worst that could happen?Hermione: And I don’t know about that Quirrell character. You know first her reserects some horrible ancient tournament, then he bumps into you and your scar starts to hurt and you have to admit there is something really FUNKY about the back of his head.Harry: Come on, think about it. Professor Quirrell is a professor, and who hires professors?Harry & Ron: Dumbledore.Harry: ...who’s the smartest, most awesome, practical-
Ron: -beautiful.
-most beautiful wizard in the whole school. Why would he possibly hire someone who's trying to hurt me?
Hermoine: Well what about Snape?
Harry: Yea, what about him!
Hermoine; He's hated you for years! And he's hated your parents too, everybody knows that. And, what, he just so happened to pick your name out of the house cup, out of hundreds if not five possible Griffindors?
Harry: Yea what a coincidence! We lucked out!
Hermoine: No Harry, I don't think it is a concindence! When you defeated Voldemrt you made a lot of enemies, ones you might no even know about.
Harry: Ok, all right. So let me get this straight.
He gets up and walks to stage left.
Harry: you think this tournament is just one big PLOY to try and kill me.
Hermoine: I mean I don't know! Maybe! Anyway I just think it's dangerous and I don't think you should do it!
Harry: All right Hermoine, if it means that much to you i'll drop out.
He puts his hand on her shoulder.
Hermoine: Oh thank you Harry!
They hug.
Ron: Wait, wait. WHAT!?!? The HOUSE CUP! WHAT ABOUT ALL THE ETERNAL GLORY YOU'D WIN!Come on!
Harry: Hey!
He points at Ron.
Harry: Eternal glory.
He points to himself.
Harry: I've already got that. Besides, Nevil will be a great champion.
Ron: No! No! I do not want Slongbottom to be my champion!
Hermoine: Ok look all you have to do-
Dumbldoor enters. He waves.
Hermoine: Look there's Dumbldoor, you can tell him you're dropping out.
Harry: Um, well, listen Hermoine.
He puts his arm round her.
Harry: Dumbledoor and I are really cool, super tight, and I don't want him to think I'm being lazy or being disrespectful or anything. So why don't you tell him? You tell him. Just tell him I wanna work on school or something.
She nods.
Harry: All right!
Hermoine: ok
Harry: you got this one.
He touches her nose.
Hermoine: ok
Harry: you got it.
Hermoine: ok
Harry: Don't worry about it.
Hermoine: ok. Dumbledoor!
Dumbledoor: Yes granger?!
Hermoine: Uh, I need to talk to you for a moment it's about the house cup tournament.
Dumbledoor:

Ron: I’ll sabotage all the other champions so you win by default.Hermione: Alright… I guess I can check out the whole library on notes. Harry: Alright. You guys are awesome. Malfoy, Crab, and Goyle enter. Goyle is carrying Malfoy. Malfoy: Well. Isn’t this touching?Ron: Oh my God just butt out, Malfoy.Goyle tries to put Malfoy down but Malfoy falls onto the floor. He will continue to roll around on thefloor for awhile to make it seem like he did this on purpose.Malfoy: Goyle and I have a bet, you know. He says you won’t last five minutes in this tournament. Idisagree. I say you wouldn’t last five minutes at Pigfarts!Harry: What? Alright, Malfoy, what is Pigfarts?Malfoy: Oh! Never heard of it? Ha! Figures. Famous Potter doesn’t even know about Pigfarts!Harry: Malfoy, don’t act like you don’t want to talk about it. This is like the ninth time you’ve mentioned Pigfarts. What is Pigfarts?Malfoy is standing by now.Malfoy: Pigfarts is only the greatest wizarding school in the galaxy. It’s where I'm being transferred next year.Hermione: Malfoy, I’ve never heard of that.Malfoy: That’s because Pigfarts… is on Mars!Harry: Alright, you know what? We’re trying to have a conversation here so if you could just leave usalone-Malfoy: Oh, no. I’m not even here.Harry: (in a hushed tone) Okay, so, I think we can find out what the first task is if we ask Dumbledore-Malfoy: Dumbledore? Pff! What an old coot! He’s nothing like Rumbleroar!Goyle: RUMBLEROAR!Harry: Anyways, as I was saying-Malfoy: Rumbleroar’s the headmaster at Pigfarts. He’s a lion, who can talk.Harry: Malfoy, if you don’t mind, we’re trying to have a conversation here so- wait what are you evendoing here? Get outta here.Malfoy: I can’t help it if we can hear everything you say. We’re the only ones in here.Harry: Come on, Malfoy; just get out of here, please?Malfoy: Where are we supposed to go?Harry: Uh, I don’t know, uh, Pigfarts.Malfoy: Oh ha. Oh, now you’re just being cute. I can’t go to Pigfarts. IT’S ON MARS. You need a rocketship. (Struts over to Harry) Do you have a rocket ship, Potter? I bet you do. (He crawls between whereHarry and Ron are sitting and falls to the floor again) You know not all of us inherited enough money to buy out NASA when our parents died! Look at this! Look at this! It’s Rocketship Potter. Starkid Potter. Moonshoes Potter. Traversing the galaxy for intergalactic travels to Pigfarts! (He gets up)Harry: Alright, that’s it. This is the most misguided way to try and make me feel jealous. I don’t care ifyou make fun of me, (he gets up towards Malfoy) but if you bring my parents into this it’s a whole otherstory.Malfoy: (runs and hides behind stage left bench) Whoa! Not so fast, Potter! Oh crap! Goyle!Goyle advances on Harry, arms raised. Harry and Ron cower around the bench while Hermione remains standing.Goyle: BACK OFF, NERD!Malfoy: (hanging off the bottom of the bench) Not so tough are you now, Potter! Maybe you shouldhang out with someone better than that lollygagging ginger and his stupid mudblood girlfriend!Hermione: Oh, that is it, Malfoy! (She makes a motion with her wand) Jelly-legs jinx!Malfoy: Oh, come on!Goyle: Hey, no fair! Our legs are jelly!Hermione runs over and grabs Malfoy by the necktie while Crab and Goyle fall on their backs with their legs wobbling.Hermione: Now, take it back, Malfoy!Malfoy: Take what back?Hermione: Take back what you said about your stupid made-up space school!Ron: And all that stuff about Hermione being my girlfriend. That’s not even a little bit true.Hermione: And say you’re sorry for calling me a ‘you-know-what’!Malfoy: Alright! I’m sorry!Hermione: And you promise you’ll never do it again?Malfoy: I promise!Hermione: Alright! (She drops him) Now next time we tell you to leave us alone you better do it! Come on, Harry. Ron. Let’s get out of here.Harry: Wow. Thanks, Hermione.Hermione: Yeah (she points at Crab and Goyle with her wand) Unjellyfy!The jinx on Crab and Goyle is broken. Harry, Ron and Hermione leave.Ron: (As they walk off) Wow. That was like the most badass thing I’ve ever seen! Too bad no one washere to see it though. It was like an outburst of pent up aggression you were just like ‘Arrr! I’m gonna….Crab and Goyle get up.Goyle: Wow. That sucked royal hippogriff! We got beat by a girl! Who is a nerd!Malfoy: I meant what I said you know. Pigfarts is real. (He puts his hand to his nose to check for blood)Am I- Am I bleeding? Goyle.Goyle runs over close to Malfoy’s face.Goyle: *Sniffs* No. (He gets up)Malfoy: (quietly) I thought maybe... maybe just a little bit… (Normally) Wow. I’ve never been pusheddown like that by a girl… Maybe I shouldn’t call her a mud-… whatever. (He gets up)Goyle: (to Crab) I can’t believe I couldn’t figure out the counter-curse was just unjellyfy!Crab shakes his head in disapproval.Malfoy: Right. Well, I'm not surprised. Come on. Let’s go watch Wizards of Waverly Place! Lights up. Malfoy exits with Crabbe and Goyle. Quirrellmort enters. The stage is set with a block-bench and a chair with robes hung over the top. Quirrell: (talking to the audience) Fools! They’re all fools. They think they’re safe. They think they’re back for another fun year of learning shenanigans at Hogwarts. Little do they know the danger that’s lurking right under their noses. Or, should I say, on the back of their heads… Quirrell rotates to put his back to the audience. He pulls off the turban to reveal Voldemort, who laughs evilly, then coughs. Quirrell puts his turban on the chair. Voldemort: Ugh! I can’t breathe in that damn turban!Quirrell: I’m sorry my Lord. It’s a necessary precaution. For if they knew that you lived- that when Harry Potter destroyed you, your soul lived on-Voldemort: Yes! That when my body was destroyed I was forced to live in the Forbidden Forest, eating bugs, and mushrooms, and, ugh! Unicorn blood!Quirrell: Until I found you and let you attach yourself to my soul.Voldemort: Yes. Nobody must know any of that. Now, Quirrell! Get me some water! Quirrell bends over and grabs a bottle of water. Voldemort: Now Quirrell! Pour it in my mouth! Quirrell uncaps the bottle and speaks while pouring the water in his mouth. Quirrell: Your plan to infiltrate Hogwarts on the back of my head is going swimmingly, my liege!Voldemort: Yes, yes, I'm done with the water! We must not have any more foul-ups like tonight in the Great Hall!Quirrell: I’m sorry, my Lord, you sneezed!Voldemort: I know that... Get me some Nasonex, you swine! Quirrell shoots some Nasonex into Voldemort’s nose, then some into his own. Voldemort: Wash that turban! It tickles my nose.Quirrell: Yes my Dark King-Voldemort: Okay, just... relax with the Dark Kings, ok? I watch you wipe your butt daily. You can call me Voldemort. We’re there. We’ve reached that point.Quirrell: Yes, yes, my… Voldemort.Voldemort: Mmm. Now, Quirrell… Get us ready for bed. Quirrell begins getting ready for bed. Voldemort: We must be well rested if we wish to kill Potter. Tonight, in the Great Hall, he was so close! I could have touched him! Quirrell uses some mouthwash. Voldemort: Revenge is at my fingertips, Quirrell. I can taste it! It tastes like… cool mint.Quirrell: That’s our Listerine, Voldemort.Voldemort: Yes. Excellent. (They walk over to the block-bench) Well, goodnight Quirrell. Quirrell bends backwards, and Voldemort leans forward so they are laying down on the block-bench. Voldemort: (pause) Okay, okay, I can’t do this. You’ve got to roll over. I can’t sleep on my tummy.Quirrell: I’m sorry, but I always sleep on my back! I have back problems. It’s the only way I’m comfortable.Voldemort: You roll over right now or I’ll… I’LL EAT YOU PILLOW! (Quirrell begins to roll over) You’ll be having a dream you’re eating a giant marshmallow, but really you’ll wake up and find your favorite goose feather pillow is missing!Quirrell: Fine! We’ll compromise. We’ll sleep on our sides.Voldemort: Ok. I guess I can do this.Quirrell: Now, goodnight!Voldemort: Goodnight, Quirrell. (pause) Hey, Quirrell. How long has those robes been on that chair?Quirrell: I think they’re from last night. I just put them there for now.Voldemort: Well are you planning on putting them in a hamper? What’s your plan for these?Quirrell: I figured I’d just leave them there for now and put them away in the morning,okay?Voldemort: A- No! No, that’s not okay! I can’t go to sleep knowing that there are dirty clothes on that chair! The chair’s is going to start smelling like dirty clothes!Quirrell: I promise I’ll put them away in the morning!Voldemort: You put them away RIGHT NOW! I command you to get up and… fold them, at least!!! Make it into a neat pile! They both sit up. Quirrell: Listen, if we’re going to be in this situation for a while, we’re going to have tolearn to live with each other. Now, I’ve been single for all of my life, and I have somehabits, and sometimes I leave dirty laundry around!Voldemort: Well I believe everything has its place! Muggles have their place, mudbloodshave their place, and so do your clothes! Namely, a dresser! They stand up. Quirrell: Well, aren’t we an odd couple? Song: Different As Can Be Quirrell: You won't sleep on your tummy,Voldemort: You won't sleep on your back,Voldemort & Quirrell:We're quite a kooky couple you'll agree.Quirrell: We share some hands and fingers,Voldemort: and yet the feeling lingers.Voldemort & Quirrell: We're just about as different as anyone could be!Voldemort: You like plotting a garden, and I like plotting to kill.Quirrell : you think that you should rule the world, I think books are a thrill!Sipping tea by the fires swellVoldemort: Pushing people in is fun as wellI like folding all my tiesQuirrell: And you have no friends, hey that’s a surpriseVoldemort & Quirrell: guess it’s plain to seewhen you look at you and mewere differentdifferentas can be Quirrell goes over to fold the robes. Voldemort: You’re a sissy, a twat a girl! I’m the darkest of lords!Quirrell: I’m the brightest professor here, I’ve won several awards!Voldemort: My new world is about to unfoldQuirrell: You got beat by a two year oldVoldemort: I’ll kill him this time, through and throughQuirrell: Or you might just give him another tattooVoldemort & Quirrell: You really must agreewhen you look at you and mewere different, differentas can- Voldemort faces the audience as Quirrell make menacing arm motions. Voldemort: I’ll rise again and Ill rule the world,But you must help me renew.For when our plan succeeds-Quirrell: Prevails!Voldemort: part of that world goes to you. They continue their rotating. Quirrell: When I rule the world I’ll plant flowers.Voldemort :When I rule the world I’ll have… snakes! And goblins, and werewolves, andgiants, and thestrals, a fleet of dementors, and all my Death Eaters!Quirrell: (at the same time)And Jane Austin novels!Voldemort & Quirrell:When I rule the world!! Hahahaha!!!! Scene 5Lights up. (Harry is on a broom, pretending to fly about the area. Ron enters, hiding a broom behind his back. ) Harry: Hey Ron, whats up? Ron: Harry, hey, um, I didn't think anybody would be up this early. Harry: Well, I'm the Gryffindor captain, right? I need to practice well if we want to win this year. Ron: Umm... yeah. Harry: So what are you doing here?Ron: Umm... actually, I was training. Harry: Training what? Ron: To be, uh, Gryffindor, keeper, umm... yeah, er... so, um... Harry: Thats great!Ron: Uh, yeah, right. Can you just, like see my thing and tell me...? Harry: Yeah, sure (Snape enters) Snape: A-harry potter?Harry: Yes, professor? Snape: Who gave you permission to fly unauthorised brooms on the Quidditch pitch? Harry: Umm... I'm the Gryffindor Captain, so... Snape: Thats absurd. Where is the captaincy badge? Harry: (Pats his pockets, and shrugs sheepishly) I had it here somewhere. Snape: Thats even more absurd. Detention, Potter. Ron: Umm... he was just about to see me flying, Professor. Snape: Detention as well, Weasley. Ron: Uh... Snape: And now, allow me to make a suggestion. Why don't the both of you go to the nice cold dungeons and enjoy your nice cold detention. (Dumbledore enters.) Dumbledore: Whats going on here? Snape: Professor Dumbledore, I was merely commenting on the a-dedication of Potter and his friends. Dumbledore: Good, good. Well, Harry, good luck, I've come to watch your tryouts. Harry: Am I conducting tryouts? Ron: Are you conducting tryouts? Harry: I don't know! (Hermione enters)Hermione: Yes, you're conducting tryouts. (Hands out a sheet of paper.) Harry: But I don't even know half the people on this list! Who on earth is Cormac McCoy? (Cormac enters. Cormac is supposed to be a proud snobbish student, with a demeaning manner to Ron and a devotion to Hermione.) Cormac: That would be me. Hello, Harry Potter, it is a pleasure to meet you. Harry: Umm... yeah, (Harry carefully avoids the hand held out.) Cormac: And what is this? (Looks down his nose at Ron.) Harry: That, uh I mean, he's Ron. Ron: Yeah, um, I'll just go sit on that bench over there. Harry: Uh yeah. Um, Cormac, just go sit there will you. Cormac: (Again looking at Ron) With that? Harry: Just do it? Cormac: Only if the lady agrees to sit with me. Harry: Hermione needs to stay with me, Cormac. We're discussing the tryouts, you see Cormac: Very well, for you, Harry Potter, I will sit with that commoner. Harry: Yeah, well, Hermione, you've got this, I'm off to go jam with Flitwick. (Harry leaves.) Hermione: Umm... allright, you'll be marked on three parameters, each having 15 marks. Elegance, style, and skill. Ron: What? Cormac: Its bad enough to have to sit next to this person, without having to be here when he talks too. Allow me to have the first try, I beg of you. Hermione: Uh, sure. We don't have a chaser here I see. So, I'm going to magically enchant this ball. (Waves her wand) Movillio. (Nothing happens.) Ron: Uh, nothing happened. Hermione: I noticed that, thank you very much Ron. (Cedric enters.)Cedric: Hello all. Hermione: Hey Cedric, we need a chaser. Cedric: I'm up for it. Hermione: Ok, here's the ball, lets go then! (Cedric picks up a ball, and throws it at Cormac, who tries to catch it and succeeds in missing it entirely.) Hermione: Ok, allright, Ron its your turn. Cormac: I do declare that attempt to be a gross aberration. Hermione: Cormac, can you just, shut it? The idea that a save made with the full knowledge of proper circumstantial confidences may be interpreted as a gross aberration is absolutely unfounded in any basis. (Cormac sits down and buries his head in his hands. Lavender and Cho's posse enters.)Cho: Oh look, Quidditchers!Lavender: Who's trying? Is it, Won won?Hermione: (Her attitude turns frigid at this stage.) Who is Won Won?(Ron gets up) Ron: Its my turn, right?Lavender: Its him! Its Won-Won!Hermione: Excuse me! He has a name, you know!Ron: Uh, my turn?Hermione: Yeah, (She waves at an imaginary goal area)(Ron walks over, and Cedric picks up the ball.)Lavender: Won-won!Ron: Wha?(Ron turns his head to look at Lavender and Cedric throws the ball at his stomach)Ron: Aargh. Lavender: Ooh, Won-Won, (Lavender runs over and nurses him.)Hermione: Ron! You saved the goal!Lavender: Won-Won is brilliant!Hermione: Ugh, yeah. Sorry, Cormac, guess you have to go.Cormac: I shall not remain within a mile of this terrible wasting of talent any longer.(Cormac leaves. Cedric leaves with him.)Hermione: At least we got rid of him. Lavender: Won-won, can we go celebrate?Ron: Huh, yeah, I guess(Lavender drags Ron across the stage, Ron stumbling a bit. Both exit. Harry enters.)Harry: Hey, Hermione, how'd it go?Hermione: (Sobbing.) Ron's our new keeper. (Thrusts paper at Harry and runs away crying.)Harry: Ok, cool! (Strolls over to a seat, sits down and starts strumming on the guitar.)(Ginny and Marietta enter.)Ginny: And I just can't tell him!Marietta: You need to!Ginny: But I can't!Marietta: Look, if you like him that much, you need to find some way of letting him know. (Looks at Harry strumming, who ignores them both.)Marietta: There he is. Go and talk to him, at least. Just try and find some way of working it into the conversation. Ginny: I'll, I'll try.(Hermione enters, Marietta leaves.)Hermione: Harry, don’t you think you should be trying to figure out what the first task is? You could actually die if you’re not ready.Harry: What? Come on. I mean, can’t you just do it for me? Can’t you just prepare all my stuff for me? I mean, what are you doing now?Hermione: I’m writing your potions essay! Harry: Oh... Well, do that first, ‘cause that’s due tomorrow. But after that, can you prepare for the first task, please?Hermione: Alright.Harry: Thank you. You are the best (he taps her on the nose). You got it. Thanks, Hermione. Hermione turns around on the bench. Ginny enters, doing the magic pencil trick with her wand. Harry: Hey, Ginny, come here.Ginny: Hey, Harry Potter. She sits down on the bench.Harry: Listen, I want to play this song I’ve been working on. You see, I met this girl that I really, really like and I want to let her know she’s special. So I just want to know what you think of it. Just for the purposes of now, because I’m still working out the lyrics, I’m going to put your name where her name should be, but I don’t think it’s really gonna work out, because- Well, let me just show you. Song: GinnyYou’re tall and fun and prettyYou’re really, really skinnyGinny
’m the Mickey to your MinnieYou’re hotter than baloney Ginny Wanna take you to the cityGonna take you out to dineyGinny You’re cuter than a guinea pigWanna take you up to WinnipegThat’s in Canada! Ginny Ginny Ginny Ginny---You know what? This doesn’t work with you name. At all. But how does that make you feel, emotionally?Ginny: Wow. Wowy. Harry Potter!Harry: Don’t you think it could, I dunno, make a girl fall in love with me?Ginny: I think it already has.Harry: Awesome!, because it’s for Cho Chang!Ginny: Oh. Yeah. She’s beautiful.Harry: What, are you nuts? Beautiful? More like super-mega-foxy-awesome-hot! She’sthe hottest girl I’ve ever met. She’s far more attractive, far more appealing, far more interesting than any girl that I know, in my immediate group of friends. Ron enters stage left. He jumps over the block and over to Ginny. Ron: (motioning to Ginny to scoot over) Move! Move! Move! Move! Move! Ginny scoots over and Ron sits down. Ron: Hey! Harry! What’s up? So I was just offstage hanging out with Hagrid, and I saw thisdelivery wizard bringing giant cages into the dungeon. I don’t know what that’s for-Hermione: Giant cages? I bet whatever’s in those cages has something to do with thefirst task! Harry, we have to find out what it is!Harry: Hey, hey. Guys. Chill, I'm busy. Harry continues to play. Hermione walks over and grabs Harry guitar. Ron: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!Ginny: No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!Hermione: Guys! Now, listen! This could be a matter of life and death!Ron: Well it doesn’t matter, because it’s after hours, okay, and we can’t leave Gryffindor House, and we’ll probably get in trouble if we do, and even if we do, Shlongbottom over there will probably tell on usHermione: Neville won’t tell.Neville: (stops sniffing plant) Oh yes I certainly will!Ron: What are we going to do?Hermione: It’s simple guys! The cloak!Ron: Of course! They all stand up. Harry & Ron: The cloak!Ginny: Wait, what cloak-Ron: SHUT UP! (He claps in her face) Neville starts to leave. Harry: You see, (Explaining to Ginny, he starts to open the trunk) during my first year at Hogwarts I got a present left to me –Oh, bye Neville- by my dad during my first year at Hogwarts and it was left to me by my dad. The dad that’s dead. My father’s dead. I have a dead father. And now we solve mysteries and stuff with my handy, dandy Invisibility Cloak! (he pulls out his thin, bright red, sparkly Invisibility Cloak.)Ginny: Oh! Wowy, Harry Potter! Haha! A real Invisibility Cloak! Oo! Oo! Oo! Oo! Do you know what I would do if I had an Invisibility Cloak?Harry: I’d be a hockey player.Ron: And I would pretend to be a ghost and I would scare mean people. Hermione: I’d use it to avoid ever having to face my reflection in the mirror. Ginny: Well, actually, I was going to say that I’d use it to fake my own death and watch people cry at the funeral! Harry: Well, anyways, let’s get out of here. Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny start to leave. Ron turns around to stop Ginny. Hermione watches them. Ron: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where do you think you’re going?Ginny: Um, with you guys?Ron: No way! No kid sisters allowed, okay? (He claps in her face) Besides, there’s only enough room under this cloak for to people, so… (Hermione looks crestfallen) C’mon, Hermione, c’mon. Hermione brightens and hands Ginny Harry’s guitar. Song: HarryThroughout the song, Ginny will pretend the guitar is Harry.The way his hair falls in his eyesmakes me wonder if he’llever see through my disguiseand I’m under his spell Everything is falling, and I don’t know where to land.Everyone knows who he is, but they don’t know who I am Harry, Harry,Why can’t you seewhat you’re doing to me I’ve seen you conquer certain deathand even when you’re just standing there you take away my breathand maybe someday you’ll hear my songand understand that all alongthere’s something more that I’m trying to saywhen I say Harry, Harry, HarryWhy can’t you seewhat you’re doing to meScene 6
Quirrel: Master, master, the shipments for the first task of the tournament has arrived.

Voldemort: Yes I know, Quirrel, I hear everything you hear.

Quirrel: Isn't it wonderful, master? We've made sure that Harry Potter's name was drawn from the cup and soon he will be ours!

Voldemort: Yes! Its reall happening, isn't it quirrel? You know, with the plan going so well, I feel like maybe we should celebrate. What do you say Quirrel? How about we go out? I hear its Karaoke night down at the Hog's head.

Quirrel: Well I don't know, I have all these papers to grade and I've been giving so much attention to this revenge plan that I'm really behind.
Voldemort: Oh just give them all B-s and be done with it.

Quirrel: Now thats evil.

Voldemort: Aahh, thats the spirit Quirrel. Put on a fresh pair of wizard shorts and grab your tunic. Quirrel, we are gonna have some fun!

(Scene changes to Harry and his friends under the invisibility cloak)

Ron: Ah, wow, uh, this cloak isn't as big as it used to be.

Hermione: Shh... someone's coming.

(Malfoy and his cronies enter.)

Malfoy: Did you just hear something?

Goyle: No, only quiet. Maybe, one raindrop.

Malfoy: No matter. Who do you think is the ugliest girl in school?

Goyle: Uh, buckbeak for sure.

Malfoy: Crabbe?

Crabbe: Uh, Winky the house elf.

Malfoy: Obscure! (nods) Do you know who I think is the ugliest girl in school? That Hermione Granger. Do you know what I'd giver her on a scale of 1-10? 1 would be ugliest and 10 would be prettiest. I'd give her, an 8. (They stare at him. ) An 8.5. (They stare at him again.) Or a 9.0. No, not over a 9.8! Because there is always room for improvement. Not everyone's perfect like me. Thats why I'm holding out for a 10.0. Because I'm worth it! Come on, lets go. (They leave.)

Ron: Wow, what a bunch of jerks.

Hermione: Alright, forget em, now where did you say that you saw these crates being delivered?

Ron: Well I think they were being delivered into the auditorium, so they should be at the end of this hallway and to the left. (They trot around until they see a goat in a cage.)

Harry: A goat? Oh my god, I have to fight a goat? I don't know if I can do that morally.

(Dumbledore and Snape enter.)

Snape: And the goats have all been sent for feeding time, Headmaster?

Dumbledore: Feeding time! Dragons don't want to be fed! They wanna hunt!
Harry: Did he just say dragons?

Ron: Did you just say 'Did he say dragons?'

Dumbledore: I must have, because anybody else hiding in this room would have known to shut up, Potter.

Snape: Headmaster, do you really think its wise to have children fight dragons?

Dumbledore: No Snape! I don't think it's wise to do anything anymore. Why, here I am alive and well today and I could very well be killed by you tomorrow.

Snape: Why thats absurd.

Dumbledore: Severus, lets go to bed. Have you ever seen my room? I've got some pretty kickin' posters on my wall.

(They leave, about to crash into Harry, but then Dumbledore and Snape raise their arms and they go below.)

Snape: Well I am rather tired.

(Harry snatches the cloak off as soon as they're gone and Ron takes it and walks away.)

Harry: Aww man, I have to fight a dragon? This is bogus! How could I fight a dragon? I'm just a little kid.

Hermione: Alright, well, well maybe it won't be that bad Harry.

Ron: Maybe, maybe you'll just have to fight Mushu from Milan.

Harry: I don't know, maybe.

Ron: I don't know, maybe like Puff the magic dragon or something.

Hermione: Ron, this is serious, okay, Harry could die! Now look, there's still time alright, we...we just need to figure out a plan.

Harry: Ok, well, we should probably do that back in the Common Room, where's...wait, where's the invisibility cloak?

Ron: Well I threw it over the magical walking chair...oh shoot.

Harry: Well, that, thats gonna be an issue.

Ron: Yep.
Scene 8
QUIRREL: I thought walking home drunk was hard before

VOLDEMORT: we should have realized that with the both of us drinking into the same belly would get us twice as drunk.

VOLDEMORT: hey quirrel! quirrel, quirrel quirrel, quirrel, quirrel, quirrel,

QUIRREL: I haven’t had this much fun... Haven’t had this much fun since nearly headless nicks, nicks death day party of ‘91

VOLDEMORT: I haven’t had this much fun since… uhh.. oh man..I can’t remember ever having this much fun!

QUIRREL: * looking confused* you’ve never had fun ever? Doing anything?

QUIRREL: maybe that’s why you so evil.

VOLDEMORT: yeah maybe

QUIRREL: what is it, voldemort?

VOLDEMORT: oh it’s just that I never…I never, ever really ever.. I never really ever, ever really ever, considered having another reason for being so evil, you know cause normally I just uh…I just kill people who try to get me to open up, you know.. oops! But uh, it’s, it’s kind of nice to just, um… kind of nice to just talk

QUIRREL: yeah! You know I have to admit I was kind of nervous when you first demanded that you attach yourself to my soul

VOLDEMORT: yeah, I could…. I could sense that it’s kind of cool

QUIRREL: it’s like having a really close roommate, or even…

VOLDEMORT: yeah like a slave…like a …like a death eater

QUIRREL: no man! It’s like …having a friend

VOLDEMORT: I never had a friend before

QUIRREL: well it looks like you got one now

VOLDEMORT: who would have thought that at the beginning of this year we’d feel like that for each other?

VOLDEMORT: I guess everything is different between us now

QUIRREL: I guess it’s plain to see when you look at you and me we are different, different as can be.

Song: Different Reprise
Scene 10
Snape: Attention all Hogwarts students. Tonight is the Yuleball..so please make ready to pick up you Yule ball wreath and give it to that special someone.
Ginny enters and goes to Snape
Snape: Ah Ginger.
He throws the wreath at Ginny. Cho and posies enter. Harry comes from other side. Ginny breathes in hard..
GINNY: oh, hey harry potter
HARRY: *stops walking* oh hey ginny
GINNY: fancy seeing you here, ah?
HARRY: ah, well,l it’s the cafeteria, so, yeah…
GINNY: *bends knees repeadely* ah… so, ah…. The yuleball is coming up…
HARRY: yeah, I know it is…. Very very soon, yeah…
GINNY: *coughs* ahm… *starts to fiddle with her hair* oh, were you thinking of going with anybody?
HARRY: I was. I was actually just waiting for the right time to ask somebody. I think …. I think the time’s about now, so if…if you something to say just….. get it out, ;cuz..
GINNY: *pulls out the Yule ball ring from behind her* aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh * acting very jumpy*
HARRY: oh is this for me?*starts smiling*
HARRY: *really cerrfully* oh ginny, how did you know that I needed a wreath, so I can ask cho chang? You’re the best!
GINNY: heartbroken* oh, harry potter..!!!!
GINNY: just… just forget it!!!! *runs away crying*
HARRY: alright, I will!
HARRY: *staring at the wreath* cool!!
Harry: I know the Yuleball’s coming up, and I was wondering if, ah…(offers the wreath to Cho Chang) …maybe you wanted to go with me , BUT just in case you’re kind of… on the fence about it,( Cho Changaccept the wreath) you should know that I play the guitar.(Harry starts playing a song)Youre tall and fun and prettyYoure really, really skinnyCho ChangIm the Mickey to your MinnieYoure the Tigger to my WinnieCho ChangWanna take you to the cityGonna take you out to dineyWhatever(Cho Chang blushes)Cho Chang: Well Harry Potter bless your heart... Um, but I am going to say no. The young strapping boy Cedric Diggory already asked me to go with him..Sorry?(She gives the wreath back to Harry)Cho Chang: Come on girls, let's go show Moaning Myrtle our ball gowns and make fun cause she can't go.(Cho Chang runs out with her girls)
Ron enters.
Ron: Hey there good buddy! How're you doing?
Harry: Okay
Ron: Is that a yule-ball-wreath?
Harry: Yeah
Ron: Who you gonna ask?
Harry: Well I've asked Cho Chang but she turned me down for Cedric Stupery!
Ron: Oh my god they're going together? That's so great! I love him so! They are so a cute couple
Harry: No! No!
Ron: I hate him! I hate him so much! Oh man that sucks dude I don't know why she turned you down you're like the coolest guy in school!
Harry: I know I don't get it! I play guitar I'm Harry Potter! I'm awesome!
Ron: You want some cheese-twigs?
Harry: Yeah I don't get it man I mean I guess I will just go as stag ah?
Ron: I'll probably go stag too
Ron: The only two girls that I know that don't have dates already are Ginny and Hermione
Harry: Oh my god!
Ron: I'm not going with my stupid sister!
Harry: And I think of Hermione as sister So that's out!
Ron: We are in such a puzzle
Harry tosses aside the wreath.
Harry: Forget about it. Lets go to Hagrid. He can teach us how to dance and we're getting our dress-robes. That can only lead to disaster and hilarity
Enter Draco, Crabbe, Goyle.
Goyle picks up the Wreath
Draco: It was RELUCTANT enough at first. But I lured it out of it's cage with an upside down[???] And I soed it with my "Fruit-by-the-foot" and deheaded it with a quick slicing-charm
Draco: What?!? Goyle?
Draco: What are you doing with that wreath? Would you going to ask someone to the Yule-ball?
Goyle: Nnno!
Goyle: Dancing's for nerds!
Crabbe: And pretty girls!
Draco: Right. Do you know who the last girl I'd have asked to the Yule-ball would be?. That Hermione Granger. Not even if we were the last two people on earth and she looked absolutely stunning in her ball-gaunts and every time I looked at her I got butterflies in my tummy. Not even then. Ugh!. They don't even have dances at Pigfarts. All the noise would disturb Rumbleroars slumbering cubs. Dancing is for Pansies
Pansy enters on the right.
Draco: Hey you there what's your name?
Pansy: Pansy
Draco: Perfect! You're going to the Yule-ball with me. You see that dragon?
Draco: Well it was reluctant enough at first but I lured it out of it's cage
Voldemort: Qurrell Let's go plant that key and split
Voldemort: Pun intended!
Snape: Oh hi Professor Quirrell
Snape: What on earth are you doing in the great Daaancehaaall?
Snape: Just moments before the daaaance?
Quirrel: Just decorating for the Yule-ball Last minute decorations
Quirrel: Just one final Touch
Snape: A ladle?
Quirrel: A very special ladle for a very special night for a very special punch
Snape: And what's so special about it?
Quirrel: Let's just say there's squirt in it
Snape: Squirt?!?
Snape: Is that not the favorite drink of one Harry Potter?
Quirrel: Is it? I had no idea!
Quirrel: Well we better be going
Snape: We?!?
Quirrel: I! I better be going Loud music hurts my ears!
Snape: Okay well I'll see you later then
Quirrel: Or maybe you won't!
Snape: Or maybe I will!
Quirrel: Excuse me
Dumbledore: No excuse me It was my fault
Dumbledore: Hey Severus!
Snape: Oh ah Headmaster!
Dumbledore: What are you doing here? You're getting some punch are you?
Snape: Oh no no! There's Squirt in there!
Dumbledore: Only Harry Potter likes that hog shit I'll stick to my Red Bull Thank you very much
Snape: Well good night headmaster
Dumbledore: Serverus I I saved this last dance for you\N[Oldie Save the last dance for me]
Snape: Well I would headmaster but you see
Snape: Well an old friend is comig back into town tonight
Scene 12
Hermione walks in from left)

Harry: Hey Hermione! You look great! You look wonderful!

Hermione: Hey guys! Thanks! Yeah, you know, I… I used to think looks weren’t important and now I think they are more important than anything. It’s just, I am having so much fun, dancing with everyone…

Ron: Wow, wow, Hermione. Since when did you become so shallow?

Hermione: What’s wrong with you, Ron?

Ron: Nothing. Nothing’s wrong with me. Why don’t you just go ask Longbottom to dance, ha? Go do it!

Hermione: You know what? Maybe I will.

Hermione goes to the other side and starts dancing with Neville.

Harry: You’ve got a crush

Ron nods/shakes his head.

Harry: Alright Ron listen to me now. Cool advice: this may sound crazy, but girls don’t like it when you’re angry at them, much less you shout at them. Now maybe you should just go over there and tell her how much you care about her. Okay? Maybe she’d ask you to dance.

Ron: Wha..no! Coz then she’d know I liked her! And you always said, that you don’t tell a girl you like her cause it makes you look like an idiot.

Harry: It’s something you have to do. You just gotta..give it...her.. a chance. You gotta go and maybe find something special...the whole time you just really hadn’t the guts to ...say anything.

Starts making his way to Ginny.

Ron: Where are you going? Where are you going? I am still mad and sad..

Harry: Hold on. HP is going to take his own advice now.

Goes to Ginny

Harry: Hey Ginny

Ginny: Oh hey Harry...

Harry: Can I sit down?

Ginny: Yeah sure.

Harry: Sooo yah.. How is Hogwarts??

Ginny: I was really excited to come here. But now that I am here I don’t feel like I belong.

Harry: Yeah I know what you’re talking about. But you know what. Lets save that conversation for another Yule Ball.

Gets up

Harry: Do you wanna dance? Its the whole point of the evening.

They get up, dance, have a good time. On the other side, Ron breaks the joined hands of Neville and Hermione and drags her to the side.

Ron: okay, when you really danced with Shlongbottom, you really crossed the line.

Gives Neville the butterbeer

Ron: Take this and get out of here. Beat it.

H: Why are you being so mean to me?

R: IM NOT BEING MEAN!!

H: Ow.. yes you are!! You know every day everyone is trying to put me down and the one day I actually feel like perfect.. you are trying to ruin it!!

R: Oh man!

H: What is wrong with you Ron??

Malfoy comes rolling in and stands right up to Ron

M: Weasly. The lady said NO!

H: Not you too..You know what, I am so sick of both of you!! I hate you both!!

Slaps both on the cheek. Walks away with her head high and R and M are cringing holding their noses.

M: What did you say to her?

R: Nothing

R and M: I am bleeding..Look at this.

The scene shifts to Harry and Ginny who are spinning.

Harry: I am feeling dizzy.

Ginny: We should stop spinning.

Harry: We have.

They look into each others eyes.

Harry: Ginny I think I am fal...Wait no! No No ..I can’t do this..I cant do this..You’re Ginny Weasley. You’re my best friends little sister. I am sorry, I cant do it.

Ginny: Harry Potter...

She goes out crying. Harry goes over to Cho and Cedric who are dancing.

Harry: Hey Cho! Hey, hey, come on, dance with me! I'm Harry Potter, let's go!

He starts dancing with Cho.

Cedric: Excuse me, I believe I was dancing with the lady!

Harry: Yeah and I'm...cutting in!

Cedric: Well, I FIND that to be very rude!

Harry:Alright, Cedric, why don't we FIND out, what the lady has to say about it? (stops dancing)

Cho: Oh boys, this is no need to fight a little on me! But by the ways: Cedric thinks you cheated on the dragon's task...
Harry: CHEATED? Are you kidding me? That thing was trying to eat me! I was in it's mouth!

Cedric: Exactly! But what aren't in there? I'd like to FIND out!

Potter: Alright, that is it Diggory, we're dueling, let's go!

Takes out wand.

Cho: Oh, Godderics Hollow. All this excitement is making me thirsty !

Harry: Cho! I'll get you something to drink! I'll get you some punch!

Cedric: No! I'll get the punch!

Harry: No, I'll get the punch!

Cedric: Fine! Have the punch!\N[Pun: punch = Drink / punch = boxing move]

He punches Harry.

Cho Chang: You did it!

Harry picks up the ladle and aims at Cedric

Harry: Cedric Diggory, I'm gonna kill you!!!

Its a portkey.

Scene 14
Quirrel: Yes! Ahm

Belatrix Lestrange: My dark Lord! look fabulous!

Voldemort: Belatrix Lestrange. It is great to have you back

Belatrix Lestrange: Oh my Liege Now it's going to be like the old days when we did nothing but torture and murder. It was a pain without you

Voldemort: Well I'm never going again! 'Cause I've conquered death! And my first pleasure will be to KILL Harry Potter! Then next to take over the ministry of magic and rule the World - FOR ALL TIME!

Belatrix Lestrange: And you will my lord! But not yet! For now we must stick to the plan. We blame Potter's murder on Quirrell. So that your return may remain a secret.. The deatheaters aren't prepared to take on the entire ministry of magic, much less Dumbledore and the order of the phoenix

Quirrel: I'm sorry! What was that about me going to Azkaban for Potter's murder?

Belatrix Lestrange: Oh ho! You show refer to him as my lord my Liege or my dark lord!

Voldemort: Oh no no , it's cool! Quirell is cool! Quirell is cool! Over the last year he has proven himself to be a very good fr- A very good servant to the will of the dark lord

Quirrel: Oh I see so - so your time is [???] and I'm your "Sally Hemings" is that right?\N[She was a slave to Thomas Jefferson]

Voldemort: No! No Quirrell that – ah. That came out wrong It's not like that

Quirrel: Isn't it?

Belatrix Lestrange: Oh silence slave! Crucio!

Voldemort: Oh no no no!

Belatrix Lestrange: What's the matter?

Belatrix Lestrange: He's your pawn You are his queen. It is an honor to serve the dark lord NO MATTER WHAT'S THE TASK!

Walks over high and mighty to Q and then bends down and says

Voldemort: Are you alright?

Quirrel: Did you really know the whole time you would blame Potter's murder on me?

Voldemort: Yyyes! Yes – ah. I knew

Stretches out a hand

Quirrel: Don't touch me!

Voldemort: But things have changed over the last year I feel different for you now!

Voldemort: Well I wish there was another way. But I've got to take over the world!

Quirrel: Oh there is!

Belatrix Lestrange: Deatheaters take him away!
Deatheaters take Quirrel away to Azkaban.

Belatrix Lestrange: And now you have what you waited for for so long

Voldemort: What?

Belatrix Lestrange: Your chance to kill Harry Potter!

Voldemort: Yees!

Voldemort: Kill Potter!

Harry gets hold of the ladle and Cedric

Voldemort: Avawoah! Where d'you go?

Potter: You won't kill me today Voldemort But I tell you what. I'll get you some punch!

Harry and Cedric are transported back to school.

Ginny: Oh my Rowling! What happened Harry Potter?

Dumbledore: Harry what the hell are you doing over here? You missed the raffle!

Snape: What happened to the graveyard? Uhm!

Potter: It's - it's Voldemort! It's Voldemort! He is back!