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Confused, Puzzled Me!

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Submitted By acbalinas
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Confused, Puzzled Me!
It was when I met “him” when I got confused and puzzled. That was love. Now, this for sure isn’t like that. It’s the social evolutionary theory. An hour of discussion could make me a new me and it puzzled and confused me. I had a hard time thinking deeply and everything was “WHY?” Maybe this wasn’t my love for “him”, but this may involve him, my values and my religion. Social evolutionary theory, just like the natural selection theory, is grounded on the survival part of beings in their environment but this theory focuses more on the social group based on relationships and interaction among members. Some of the studies may have been familiar to me but there were a number of issues that amazed and struck me the most. As I have been mentioning, the theory may involve him, the mate-selection process. And the last two, concerned most on my beliefs and religion.
Everyone, even once but mostly a number of times, might have aspired for a life partner of body and brain. All I thought, desiring for a hot body for me as a woman was all lust but now thanks for the theory, I got an excuse! It’s just that a v-shaped man with broad shoulders and thick hair reflect his being a man capable of producing a productive offspring. And maybe I can’t stop a man if he demands the physical side of me because like me, he also got an excuse. Wearing make-up is also an issue. Why is it that only girls wear make-up? How about the boys? Well, I now know boys were just born naturally blooming and it seems unfair for girls, just because a girl produces an egg cell once in a month. For me acceptance of myself as it is is the most important for it costs a lot to wear make-up each day. But then any partnership isn’t just determined by attractiveness but also with the financial status. It would be with no humility if I’d say, I want to have partners with low income, because I’ve always think of having a well-off mate. Based on the theory again, we humans ought to have partners that could provide and protect the family, the offspring. And these present acts of mine towards mate-selection or I may say at my stage, boy hunting, are just normal based on the socio-evolutionary theory and I don’t have to worry about any.
Time passes by and with it environment changes. Issues come up. And in an active world right now, I struggle between the environment and my religion. Virginity enters here. It was startling to confirm that one can’t really tell virginity and one can lose it just by doing vigorous activities. And with this, is virginity still important when one can actually fake it? Pre-marital sex issue enters. Personally, being a Roman Catholic, I may not be in favor of such an act but what can I say to others engaged in pre-marital sex? Will I consider them immoral and get rid of them? Well, I myself can’t judge them for they don’t have the same perspectives and beliefs in life as mine. They may have considered their life productive and good while engaged in such act. And also one has to understand in the assumption that everyone has his own reason (pleasure, reproduction, love, etc). We really can’t generalize someone as good or bad just based on our own perspective.
No religion is perfect, thus Roman Catholic isn’t perfect. I may struggle my personal beliefs and my religion’s belief but right now I still hold on to my belief in God! Maybe it is right that God would be happy if I know what I believe and still be firm after the struggle. Until now, there are still many questions that I may still be confused and it’s hard to believe. Is there really a god or is it just a form of social construction? What if all in the bible are fictional? Did God really have the selfless love? I sometimes pause and ask myself what if there is no god at all and I would end up to, I know when I die. I still don’t have answers to some and I know there would be more questions in mind and to myself to come. Surrounded by a group of atheist friends, professors and mentors, I’m sure I’m struggling. I know now I may not be that stable enough and this is a threat but I still try to understand everything, bring back my focus and be still in my belief.
Talking about “him” seemed so smooth to me but the latter ones, they were quite distracting and are still. I know there would be more issues to rise. I am in a fast world and things evolve. Things may not all be pro to my belief and openness is essential. I know I’ll grow more if I am open. I am sure, a person with strong faith in his beliefs after different struggles, stand firm and proud. And so am I, trying to understand and absorb life’s quest for truth and justice.

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