Insomnia

I woke up, bathed in sweat. Once again a nightmare disturbed my night´s sleep. It was too early to early to get up, but I was restless. I knew I would not be able to fall asleep again, doesn´t matter how hard I´d try. I hated to get up at an unearthly hour! I rolled out of bed and trudged into the kitchen to have some lemonade.
It was still dark outside and the windy weather made the trees outside scratch against my windows. The thought about my nightmare disgusted me. I drank my glass of lemonade at one go. Afterwards I went to the bathroom to get some cold water in my face to refresh up a bit. I looked myself in the eyes in the mirror with dislike, wondering why such nightmares were torturing me night after night. I hated myself for that, but could not help it anyway.
All day long at work I was absent and worn out. All I could think about was that I wanted some sleep. I felt like I did not sleep a wink last night. Pictures from the nightmare whirled around in my head like an infinite movie. The whole day was a pure nightmare too, people looked strangely at me like I was a sick person instead of asking how I felt. But on the other hand I would not like to answer if they did anyway. None of their business.
That night I lay in my bed and stared around in the room for indefinite time. I felt so tired, but I was afraid of falling asleep to get hunted by nightmares again. I thought about how I could make an end of this riot. I was sick and tired of that condition. I was longing to get free of that. But how? Just before I fell asleep it struck me that I had forgot to lock the front door, I fetched a deep sigh and stood up to go out and lock it. I went back to bed and right after, I finally fell asleep.
Only a few hours later I woke up. Breathless. My heart was beating like never before. I got up and went to the toilet. My feet and legs hurt as if I had been running a marathon or something. I went back to bed and tried to sleep again, but every time I closed my eyes I saw myself running, like I was searching for something special. Running and running. I did not get more sleep that night. Tired and exhausted I prepared myself for work. When I was about to leave the house and open the front door, it was unlocked. Confusion struck me. Hadn´t I locked the door last night? Had someone been in here? Was I mad?
The thought about someone had been in my house while I was asleep filled my head the whole day long. Panic struck me. I decided to buy some extra padlocks for my door. After the realization that I was not able to concentrate that day at work, I went home early, telling my boss I wasn´t feeling well. In fact I didn´t lie. On my way home I bought those locks and set them up as the first thing when I came home. It calmed me a bit.
I sat down in the sofa, wondering what I was going to spend my day on. Meaninglessness struck me. What was I going to spend my life on? I lived in a nice house, even though it was too big for me alone. I had a great job, great pay, even though it wasn´t necessary…. It started raining outside, the rain beat against my windows. The sound of that made me drop to pieces. I fell asleep. I slept a couple of hours without any nightmares at all for the first time for a long time. Very long time. Maybe it could be a good idea to only sleep during the day, if the nightmares didn´t torment me there. However I got tired as it was getting dark and went to bed, hopefully to get a peaceful night´s sleep.
Next morning I woke up surprisingly late. Naked. Freezing. I shook all over my body. I sat up in bed and discovered my pyjamas on the floor. I reached out for it, it was wet. Had I been taking it of in my sleep, because of sweating too much? It wouldn´t be the first time. I had had a nightmare again. I remembered I had been running again, looking for something but I was disturbed in my search. I had no idea what it could be, but I felt that I had been closer to it this night than ever before. I wished I would reach it the following night, maybe it could release me from my nightmares forever after? It could release me from nightmares about eternal running through the darkness, through the nights panic-stricken and afraid. My existence would be totally different without nightmares, without rude awakenings, with complete sleep. Complete sleep.
On my way out, on my way to work, I discovered with anxiety that all of the padlocks were unlocked. I ran through the house in panic, but everything looked as always. My heartbeat was like an internal hammer. I ran out of the house all the way to work, I hoped work could make me think about something else. Impossible. I was so tired. The walls of the office came closer and closer to me. I needed air. I gasped for breath. I closed my eyes and tried to ignore it. Impossible. I saw myself running again through the rain. I heard a stifled scream from a woman. She needed air too. Two big hands held tight around her neck. Her eyes were filled with impotence. She fell into a swoon. The hands were mine….
I had never ever remembered so much from my nightmares before. It scared me. From where did I get these morbid thoughts at night? Why did those nightmares hunt me like that? Had I had nightmares like this one before or was it the first one? A million thoughts flew around in my head.
I went home in the rain. I sat down in the sofa like every other afternoon. It was already beginning to get dark outside. I felt lonely and sensitive. I had no friends, anymore. They had stopped calling me, seemingly because I never answered. To be honest I didn´t want friends anyway, they would undoubtedly discover that I wasn´t myself and I would be forced to talk about it.
Before I went to bed that night I checked the padlocks several times. I convinced myself that no one would be able to get in. I fell asleep quickly that night, I guess the reason for that was the vast of numbers of sleepless nights in recent time. Shortly after I tiptoed out of the bedroom in the dark. I opened the padlocks and ran out on bare feet on the wet street. It was raining. My pyjamas got wet quickly, I was freezing, but I didn´t care. I just ran through the darkness, through the night, through the rain. I felt like I was close to achieve my aim. I hoped not be disturbed, but I didn´t meet anyone on my way. Good for them. I ran and ran. Ran away from my house, my life. I was afraid of it. I needed air. My worst enemy was myself, not nightmares. When I reached the sea I stopped. I stood on a high rock with view over the enormous sea. View over my mastery filled with air. I had reached my destination. My sleepless nights had come to an end. My existence would from now on be totally different. Peaceful. Complete sleep. I leaned out in the pure air.
No awakening.