This is a proposed half-hour TV pilot. The premise for the series is clear and the stakes are personal. The series will follow the personal and professional lives of a music band and their lead drummer. It’s a catchy idea. The idea of a show about a band has a lot of appeal, not only for the music, but also for the characters.

The pilot features a clear actionable goal. There’s a ticking clock to get the lyrics written. The characters also face a solid moral choice about signing a contract.

The strength of the pilot is no doubt the character of Elvis Wheeler. He’s clearly a flawed man with obsessive tendencies, making him a very endearing character. The idea of him being paranoid about reaching the age of 27 is a smart story choice. Regardless …show more content…
It plays to the theme of abandonment and his obsession to hold on to people. Ironically even though they break up, they share good chemistry with each other. There’s a nice balance of conflict and attraction. In fact, the audience hopes that Monica remains in the cast and that the relationship continues to have its highs and lows.
Monica feels just as messed up as Elvis, but there’s also something very engaging about her flaws. It would be nice to see Elvis struggle with his feelings towards Monica and Monica being an on-going obstacle to Elvis’ emotional growth. It might also actually be fun to see them together in therapy with Dr. Gray vs. hearing about the therapist.

On page 20, visually show how Monica is “withdrawn and distant.” Also, this description is repeated twice in the same scene. Eliminate one of them. Monica’s anger feels a bit over the top in the scene, too, when she tells him to …show more content…
One thinks he’s having a heart attack (pounds the center of his chest). Instead, consider the idea that Hartman turns out to be completely immoral and they fire him. This would set up the idea that they need to find a new manager. In fact, this might be added to the pilot to give the pilot more substance over the current series of events. What if they learned Hartman screwed them over in the opening and they fired him. Now they need to find a new manager that shares their vision. This may give the pilot more depth as they interview potential managers. They can still face a moral dilemma of whether to sign a recording deal or not, as they struggle to find a manager. At the end they find their new manager, who can be a very colorful or interesting character – maybe a clean-cut overachieving, yuppie from an even younger generation (think Miles Silverberg from the series MURPHY