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Health Disparities In Afghanistan

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I would like to start off by saying that I thought that Zahra’s evaluation of the health disparities in Afghanistan was put together very well and it is evident that she took the time to learn about the stats regarding the overall health and healthcare system as well as the culture which seems to be the underlying problem in the decisions regarding the healthcare for men and women in the country. Zahra has a sufficient amount of sources and in my brief research of Afghanistan health disparities regarding sex: every significant figure which I found for her argument was touched on during one point or another in the paper. That being said, I felt as though the organization of the paper overall was a bit less than “fluid”. While all paragraphs …show more content…
All points which were made were very convincing, but the language and vocabulary which was used to convey the argument made it hard to retain my attention by the end. The overall feeling which I experienced as a reader was less of one I would experience when reading an analytical essay or an argumentative paper and more of a scientific thesis or lab report. Stats and data were presented so that it was easily understood and could be analyzed, but there did not seem to be a very considerable attempt to incorporate the reader and relate the facts to the real life implications they have on people. There were also many instances throughout the paper where word choice could be improved by substituting out words such as “very”, “Poor”, and “little”. Furthermore, I noticed that—at least in the first couple of paragraphs—there was not much variance in sentence length. This may seem trivial but without variance in sentence length, the paper is much less dynamic and once again, causes the reader to lose attention …show more content…
The way in which the paper began did not hook me into the argument or inspire me to care about this particular problem—not that I did not care about this topic before/after reading—I was simply not motivated by the author to learn more about the topic. My suggestion for the introduction would be to present the most controversial data and stats that not many people know about, such as Afghanistan being the country with the highest infant mortality rate in the world. Beginning this way would convey the gravity of the health care disparity in Afghanistan and would further influence the reader to learn more about the problem/argument. The concluding paragraph—and I included this on my handwritten critique—should be more than a simple summary of the data which was presented in the document. The suggestion I provided was that Zahra concluded with a call to action or something similar which would elicit action by the reader and inspire change in the system as it currently exists in Afghanistan. Besides these few weaknesses, I thought the argument as very well

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