Married To Asperger’s

Introduction We all remember the awkward kid in school who was a loner and unable to sustain friendships. What happens when this kid grows up, will they marry, can they marry, is it possible for this person to have a successful marriage?
What barriers are there and how can they be dealt with so an other-centered extravert can have a

fulfilling marriage with a self-absorbed person with Asperger’s syndrome? People with Asperger’s

syndrome have difficulties in relationships in general. Marriage is probably is the most

interpersonal of all relationships. I believe it may be difficult for an extravert to have a

fulfilling marriage.

Asperger’s syndrome is one of the Autism spectrum disorders that are characterized by abnormalities of social interaction and communication. Those that are diagnosed with the syndrome often associated exhibit restricted behavior or activities such as being fascinated and glued to a certain activity and often have a general delay in the development of their speech (Janzen, 1999). Because of this, there is a very high likelihood that the people diagnosed with this syndrome will have a problem when it comes to the development of friendships (IAP, 2011). They may engage in a one sided conversation about their topic of interest without necessarily taking into consideration the feeling of the listener and whether he or she is interested in their topic of discussion ( Baskin, Sperber and Price, 2006). This has the effect of making them look very insensitive to other people’s feelings. In other instances, they may engage in conversations with only the people that they like and hence disregarding everyone else who they do not like.

Barriers to an Effective Marriage to an Asperger’s Syndrome Patient

Many barriers exist for there to be a successful marriage with a person diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome. These barriers are often related to the behavior of the person suffering from the syndrome. In addition, they may be related to the failure of the other spouse to recognize this behavior and live with it. Some of the barriers that exist in a marriage with an Asperger’s syndrome person include their lack of showing empathy, and feelings and inability to effective communication . Other obstacles routinely present in these relationships are extreme anxiety on the part of the patient, rigidness of the patient’s behavior, problems with social situations such as meeting new people and difficulty expressing emotions and engaging in solitary activities for long periods of time. The patients tend to spend most of their time indoors rather than vacationing or meeting with friends and may be disconnected from family members (Klin, 2006).

Lack of empathy

Empathy exists as one of the most important aspects of social interaction. It is what keeps people together especially in times of trouble and sorrow such as when one loses a loved one. It is best described as the ability to fit into one’s shoes as far as the problem or tragedy at hand is concerned. It is a social tool that helps people to know how to react to the one who has been befallen by the tragedy or problem. However, when it comes to people with the Asperger’s syndrome, the lack of empathy often makes them unable to interact with their spouses as far as ‘putting themselves’ into the shoes of the spouse is concerned.

This may be for instance when the spouse is stressed out or has been hit by a tragedy that needs the comfort of a close relative to overcome. The inability of Asperger’s syndrome person to effectively comfort the spouse by effectively empathizing may come across as very insensitive. The emotional disconnect that ensues causes the otherspouse to fell uncared for and unloved which naturally leads to the eventual breakdown of the relationship.

Lack of empathy may also be connected to persons with Asperger’s syndrome’s inability to express their emotions. Couples often need the assurance of the other person’s love such as being told how they are loved, being bought presents and being treated to romantic surprises. This however is not common with people diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome. They may love their spouse but fail to express it in words or actions and the result will be the other spouse feeling unloved and uncared for. This often leads to feelings of abandonment, which slowly kills the marriage.

The same may be said to parenting. The non-Asperger parent may feel that the other spouse does not recognize the child’s needs. Due to their inability to express their emotions, they may be overly protective over the child or too lenient hence leaving the burden of looking after the child on the other parent. This will lead to a contest in parenting which may lead to a breakdown of the marriage if left unaddressed. This is because a criticism of the Asperger’s syndrome spouse may be interpreted as criticism on his or her abilities.

Communication Breakdown

Communication is described as the ability to pass on a message from one person to another effectively. Effective communication is by giving out the message and receiving a satisfactory response from the other party; this is however not an obvious thing to do when it comes to persons diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome. Persons diagnosed with the syndrome are often described as self-absorbed communicators. This happens especially when communicating interferes with one of their routines.

This leads to a breakdown in communication when they choose not to speak with their spouses, persons relatives, or friends of the spouse. It must be kept in mind that communication is a key to any successful marriage. When the communication process is broken, the result, especially on the part of the normal spouse, is a slow breakdown of the marriage. Since communication becomes inadequate, the likelihood of the extroverted spouse to opt out of the marriage becomes very high and the spouse diagnosed with the syndrome is often blamed for the breakdown (APA, 2000).

Rigid Routine and Behavior

Persons diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome are often described as rigid when it comes to their behavior and routines. They may have a rigid behavior that often dictates their routines hence affecting the relationship with their spouse. The other spouse may be willing to spend their time together as a family but the spouse with the syndrome may be unwilling to do so. This may be because he or she wants to do something else at that moment as per his or her schedule or routine.

This may for instance occur when the spouse with Asperger’s syndrome has a rigid calendar when it comes to having sexual relations with the spouse, which does not agree well with the normal spouse. This may lead to rejection of his or her advances further compounding the problems with the union. This will often come out strongly as very insensitive to the other spouse’s interests in the marriage. When the routine eats into the other spouse’s need to be together as a couple, the result will often be anger and frustration marked with the feeling that the other spouse has no time for the other.

In addition people with Asperger’s syndrome cannot effectively read their spouse’s body language, therefore they may be unable to gauge the enjoyment of the other spouse during sexual encounters. This awkwardness makes sexual encounters mechanical because of inability to read body language and know what to do during sexual intercourse. This makes the other spouse to cease to look forward to sexual intimacy due to unfulfilled sexual expectations.

Introverted Behavior

Persons diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome are often described as introverts due to their inability to socialize effectively with friends. They often prefer staying indoors rather than spending their time with their spouse, or meeting friends and relatives. This anti-social behavior may eat into the confidence of the other spouse who may feel left out especially in social events where friends come with their spouses. The unwillingness to go to social events may also lead to a familial disconnection. This may be because the extroverted spouse feels neglected when the rest of his or her friends are flaunting their spouses.

Due to their inadequate social abilities, the other spouse may always want to come in to apologize for the spouse’s clumsiness to save him or her from embarrassment. Fatigue in making apologies on the other person’s behalf eventually leads to couple having separate lives from that of their friends. If the other spouse is eventually worn out by that lifestyle, opting out of the marriage then seems the easy thing to do.

Overcoming the Barriers of Asperger’s Syndrome for a Successful Marriage

It is suggested that in dealing with a partner who has been diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome, the spouse must have the willingness to communicate and understand the other partner’s needs. Since persons with Asperger’s syndrome do not read the underlying messages in any action done by the normal partner, it is important that they be explicit, clear and concise, logical and non-emotional in their expressions and communications. They should say what they mean without necessarily thinking that the other partner will understand their coded messages. The normal partner is advised to be obvious so that the spouse with Asperger’s syndrome can understand whatever is being conveyed. This is because persons with the syndrome lack empathy and have poor communication skills and being obvious is efficient in passing on any message (McKinnell, 2012).

It is advisable that the normal partner discloses the situation of his or her partner to his or her friends and relatives. This will help them to know that the condition does exist that and that the other partner is doing certain things because he suffers from the condition. Because the other spouse may want to cover for the embarrassment that is caused by the effects of Asperger’s syndrome, it is important that the condition is disclosed to friends so that the partner does not always feel the need to apologize for the actions of his or her spouse (Aston, 2003). When friends and family are aware of the situation, then it will be easy for them to accept and Asperger’s syndrome clumsiness. The understanding is very important in ensuring that the couple does not lead a separate life to avoid the embarrassment brought about by the condition (ISL, 2011).

It is also advisable that the normal spouse learns to accept the faults of the other partner and learn to live with them. By avoiding criticizing the other spouse and seeking to iron out the issues that come with the diagnosis of the syndrome, the spouse will avoid the effects of isolation . It may seem like compromising but such a compromise will help to sure up the confidence of the partner with the condition. This will prevent the conflicts that arise because of not tolerating the other partner. Considering that Asperger’s syndrome often makes the diagnosed partner rigid, non-empathic, anti-social, it is important that the neuro-typical partner realizes this and seeks to set up reasonable compromises that will help the other spouse feel accepted. This will help in cementing the relationship hence saving the marriage from collapse (AANE, 2013).

Like any other mental-related disorder, it is important that the couple seek expert advice on how to live with the condition in marriage. Considering that it is not possible to know the effects of the condition and they may have negative effects on the wellbeing of the couple, it is important that the couple seeks expert advice over the subject. By doing so, they will be able to understand the challenges that are caused by the condition. This will help recognize ways of effective communication, how to condone the Asperger’s syndrome spouse’s sometimes unreasonable behavior and how to effectively live with it without feeling worn out by its debilitating effects on a marriage (Aston, 2003).

It is also advisable that there be a clear division of labor in the house. Considering that there may be an imbalance especially when children come into the picture, it is necessary that the parents in such a union set up a clear division in regard to how and who will do to seeing that the welfare of the children is tended to. This will help in the alleviation of the feeling by the normal spouse that all the parenting responsibilities have been dumped him or her. This will also help the spouse with the condition to feel engaged in the running of the home hence avoiding the feeling of neglect that may bring more friction in the relationship.

Conclusion

It is said that 80% of Asperger marriages fail. The data I have collected surprisingly supports this statistic. The ongoing and everyday lack of empathy makes it very difficult for the normal spouse to feel loved and appreciated. Living with the lack of flexibility grows tiresome and the days seem endless due to the constant routines. It seems as though that the normal spouse is always giving in and missing out on many social gatherings because of the awkwardness of their spouse.

By adapting to the routine and accepting the condition of the spouse with Asperger’s syndrome, it becomes easier for the couple to live as normal as possible and overcome the pressure that the condition exerts on marriages. I don’t believe a successful marriage with a person with Asperger’s can ever be compared to a “normal” marriage because of its unique struggles.

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2000). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association.

Asperger’s Association of New England (n. d). Living with Asperger’s Syndrome-Partners. Available at: [Accessed 16 September 2013].

Aston, M. C. (2003). Aspergers in love: couple relationships and family affairs. New York: Jessica Kingsley.

Attwood, T. (2007). The complete guide to Asperger’s syndrome. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

Baskin, J. H., Sperber, M. & Price, B. H. (2006). Asperger syndrome Revisited. Reviews in Neurological Diseases, 3(1), 1-7.

Janzen, J. E. (1999). Autism: Facts and Strategies for Parents, San Antonio: Therapy Skill Builders.

Klin, A. (2006). Autism and Asperger syndrome: An overview. Available at: [Accessed 16 September 2013].