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Mission Control

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3-minute radio drama written by Woody Allen and Ray Bradbury

(Introduction for “Mission Control” radio dramas)

Announcer over gallimaufry of theremins: From the far horizons of the unknown come tales of new dimensions in time and space, all postage paid. These are stories of a future – stories that you may live in a million could-be years on a thousand maybe-worlds, that’ll have a definite lack of affordable dry-cleaning. The National Broadcast Company, in cooperation with Pimple-Faced Magazines, presents “Mission Control” . . .

Our story tonight brings you into times of desperation and war. The growing conflict between the Andromeda galaxy and our own has propelled more out of control than my great-nephew’s goiter, and Earth men are being conscripted to fight for their planet. The wives and mothers wave their husbands and sons goodbye as they board the space craft for the long journey ahead, dreading the idea that there mightn’t be any in-flight entertainment. Each craft has a crew of six men: a captain, a navigator, a cook, a mechanic, a robot helper/prestidigitator, and a Groucho Marx impersonator, who is also trained to incorporate passages from Finnegan’s Wake into his stand-up routine. Of the five-thousand nobel ships that left planet Earth, all but one returned. That one was the craft Dyssebeia X, with Captain R. J. Strickland, navigator Peter Venkman, mechanic Abraham S. Christ, chef Emily “Beelzebub” Dickinson, a robot helper known as Ebert the Magnificent, and a Groucho Marx impersonator from the high mountains of Venezuela, who often confused Groucho for Karl, and Finnegan’s Wake for Mein Kampf. In the sixth week of the operation, Dyssebeia X was sent on a reconnaissance mission to the weaponry base of the Vogons. The universe seemed particularly empty that night, and several crew members suffered severe existential dilemma, that can only be cured by strapping a stone to them and making them carry it around for a couple of days. After the crew had been cured, and their shoulder muscles had grown to gargantuan size, they went back out for the reconnaissance mission. Again, it was a quiet night in the universe, like an audience at James Lipton’s solo act – way out in areas yet uncharted by Earthicans or their allies. It was the navigator, Peter, who noticed the glowing crimson star in the distance.

(sounds of space-craft and a Peking Opera in the background) Strickland: How’s everything looking, crew? Christ: Nothing yet, boss. Ebert the Magnificent: I’m not picking anything up, Captain. Dickinson: The potatoes are looking a little dry. Venkman: Hey, that’s strange . . . Strickland: What is it, Venkman? Venkman: Well – I’ve never seen anything like it. Like a silken sun – a burning ocean of crimson serenity. Strickland: We’ll leave the poetry to Dickinson, Venkman. Now what is it that you’re talking about? Venkman: Look, just over there. Strickland: Hey, yeah . . . What is that? We better check it out. It’s probably nothing, but it ought to go on the report. Venkman, set course for The Silken Sun. Crew, you better get your shorts on, it looks like it’s gonna get hot. Christ: You sure it’s nothing, boss? Strickland: I don’t know, but I sure as hell hope not. (whispering) Christ, I want you to get the guns ready, just in case. And may God have mercy on us all if we need them.

(Suspenseful sci-fi sound effects - wailing theremins and washing machines on tumble-dry, which fades into Bach’s Toccata and Fugue in D minor played by a blind one-nun-band with thirteen fingers and no palms named Cheryl)

Venkman: We’re about to enter its field, captain. Strickland: Good, keep moving forward and set up for a landing. Christ: Hey, guys, the glow – it’s dying down. Strickland: (murmuring) just as I thought... Ebert: What was that, captain? Strickland: Nothing, nothing ... Alright, uh, everyone – get your bags and mess kits, we might be out for a few hours. That means you too, Groucho Christ: Look! You can see houses, towns! No different from our own ... Groucho: Towns, huh? I wonder what kind of society they have down there – I wonder whether or not the proletariat is treated well, or if there are classes. But surely, in any civilisation, there are those that are stronger and those that are weaker. Christ: They look pretty advanced, Groucho. Groucho: The grandeur of their construction is, if anything, an inverse judgement of their society. I wish it were the same with my wife – she just gets fatter and meaner, am I right guys? Strickland: When did you start doing Rodny Dangerfield? Christ: Ah, I showed him some of his stuff just before we left. Dickinson: These potatoes are definitely dry. Groucho: Hey, what’s the deal, I tell ya– Strickland: Alright, that’s enough. Prepare for landing. Groucho: Yeah, sure – one day us impersonators will rise up and be self-reliant, without this kind of oppression. You’ll see, maybe then I can grow a real moustache.

(Sci-fi sound-effect exitlude with announcer and a midget humming Al Green’s “Let’s Get Together”)

Announcer: Next week, on “Mission Control,” we will continue the adventures of Dyssebeia X. What will the crew find behind the crimson haze of the mysterious Silken Sun, and is Groucho Marx getting ready to betray them all? Will Dickinson’s potatoes have to be thrown out? Find out next week on “Mission Control.” And now, prepare yourself for the spine-chilling comedy stylings of “Sisters in Suburbia,” staring Vincent Price and Robert Mitchum . . .

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