NothingAssertiveness
Assertiveness is the emphasis of a person’s needs or thoughts in a manner that is respectful, direct and firm. Communication styles exist on a continuum, ranging from passive to aggressive, with assertiveness falling neatly inbetween. People who are passive and communicate in a passive manner tend to be good listeners, but rarely speak up for themselves or their own needs in a relationship. People who are aggressive and communicate in an aggressive manner tend to be good leaders, but often at the expense of being able to listen empathetically to others and their ideas and needs. People who are assertive strike a balance where they speak up for themselves, express their opinions or needs in a respectful yet firm manner, and listen when they are being spoken to. Becoming more assertive is one of the most desired communication skills and helpful defense mechanisms most people want to learn, and would benefit in doing so.
EXAMPLES of ASSERTIVENESS
1. As we have already stated, respect both yourself and the other person (or people) involved. It all starts here. This is the foundation. Respect of everyone is necessary.
2. Always begin with a disarming statement. Begin with any of the following statements. You may find a few others along the way, but these will always work. Choose any one of these depending on the situation and your personal preference. In some instances, you may use more than one, but usually one will suffice: * Compliment the other person. The compliment must be sincere. Saying “Thank you.” is considered a compliment, but of course is not the only way. Something like, “You really mean a lot to me” or “Thank you for your advice or “Thank you for your opinion” would be some examples of this. * Apologize. Apologize for any part of anything you may have done wrong or apologize that the person took offense to something you have done. Some examples would be “I’m sorry” or “I’m sorry. I really messed up this time” or “I’m really sorry you took offense at what I said (or did).” If you did wrong admit it. If not, you can still apologize without saying you did anything wrong (as in the last example). This is a great one to use for someone who takes things personally. * Agree with the person. “You’re right….” Is an example. Some other examples are “I can see why you would say that” or “That makes sense.” * Acknowledge their thoughts and/or feelings. Everybody wants to be understood. This one shows the person that you are talking to that they are understood. It will require you to hear more than just their words. It requires you to listen and note their body language. Are they flailing their arms around in disgust? You might say something like, “I can see that you are really frustrated” or “I can see that you are very upset about this.” Another one might be “I can see that this makes you sad.” * Ask them a question. Say something like, “Do you mind if I ask you a question.” Almost always they will say “yes.” Then, they have given you permission to ask/say what you need to ask or say. It’s harder for them to be offended if they have already given you permission to say something. You can often be blunt and get away with it when you first ask permission with a question. Be nice though. This is often a good way to help someone see the “light” or see things from a different perspective.
3. Once you use a disarming statement, you then can state your needs – whatever they may be. A full assertive example might be. “Thank you for inviting me. I won’t be able to come this time.” If they ask you why you can not come you could say, “I really appreciate the invitation, but I’m very busy tonight – maybe another time.” You have complimented them, stated your needs and not backed down to them.
4. Recognize that just because you state your needs that does not always mean you will always get your needs met. However, if you use a disarming statement you have a much greater chance of getting what you want. Even if you don’t get what you want it still feels good to be able to say what you need without offending anyone.
5. Practice. Practice makes perfect.
Recognize that it may be scary at first and that it probably won’t be perfect. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Simply resolve to learn from each attempt how to do it better next time.
Becoming assertive may be one of the hardest things you have ever done (it was for me), but learning it and mastering it is one of the most rewarding.
Even though I’m still working on mastering it, I now find it fun to come up with an effective assertive statement.
6. Celebrate each success. Give yourself a pat on the back for each time you are assertive. Each attempt will boost your confidence.
One of best things about assertiveness is that when you master it, you are often able to be assertive in such a way that you leave people speechless with their jaws dropped. There is nothing left for them to say. It feels so good to do this!

Sublimation
Sublimation is simply the channeling of unacceptable impulses, thoughts and emotions into more acceptable ones. For instance, when a person has sexual impulses they would like not to act upon, they may instead focus on rigorous exercise. Refocusing such unacceptable or harmful impulses into productive use helps a person channel energy that otherwise would be lost or used in a manner that might cause the person more anxiety.
Sublimation can also be done with humor or fantasy. Humor, when used as a defense mechanism, is the channeling of unacceptable impulses or thoughts into a light-hearted story or joke. Humor reduces the intensity of a situation, and places a cushion of laughter between the person and the impulses. Fantasy, when used as a defense mechanism, is the channeling of unacceptable or unattainable desires into imagination. For example, imagining one’s ultimate career goals can be helpful when one experiences temporary setbacks in academic achievement. Both can help a person look at a situation in a different way, or focus on aspects of the situation not previously explored.

Examples of Sublimation in action: * A person who has an strong need for control and order becomes a successful business entrepreneur. * A person with strong sexual urges becomes an artist. * A man may have a longing to be a banker but has not been able to achieve this goal. Instead of becoming frustrated and hostile towards other bankers, the person transforms this anger with bankers into building his own venture capital business and becoming incredibly successful. * A man who has extra-marital desires takes up household repairs when his wife is out of town. * A surgeon turns aggressive energies and deep desires to cut people into life-saving acts. * A student who has a major upcoming test, rather than spending time and energy worrying about it, rechannels that time and energy into studying. * A vengeful person who is accustomed to wasting time and energy on lashing out at others, rechannels those outlets towards expressions of art, music or poetry. * An overworked, stressed out employee turns to the gym for relief