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Personal Narrative: Football Within Reach

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Within Reach Sometimes I drown. I don’t actually drown, but I get swallowed up by a sea of emotions. I’d imagine that it’s like getting dragged down into the depths of murky water, not knowing if you’d ever escape the seemingly eternal suffering of suffocation. It’s terrifying that I don’t always have complete control of my body. I’m an athlete, so I train, yet training myself mentally is what continuously challenges me. I’ve never been one to purposefully express myself externally. I have learned from my mistakes and realised that oversharing is too much for other people to digest. The only logical solution to this problem would be to bottle up my emotions. Unfortunately, this method cannot work for long, as ultimately you will need …show more content…
I love the game, the physicality of the environment, the fact that I can’t focus about anything but the game while playing. It keeps me in the moment, rather than letting me get anxious about the future. I can’t ascertain when it happened, but I must’ve started taking soccer too seriously. Before every game for my club team, I’d become a ball of nervous energy, my leg bouncing in the car, hands fidgeting. I would get stomachaches and splitting headaches just from feeling too apprehensive about a game in which I can only control my performance in. It’s not like the entire outcome of the game depended on me. I can only influence the result of the game, not change it and that’s what I couldn’t yet …show more content…
For some odd reason, I want to know what I’m supposed to do every second of every day. If I have free time, I can guarantee you it will be wasted. So my brilliant quick‐fix is to overload. I’m ambitious and want to take as many advanced courses as possible, so I definitely don’t need time to eat or study during the school day. I’m active and like playing sports, but I can function with much less homework time. I’m curious and want to keep my options open, so joining clubs and band and having a senior position in ROTC isn’t going to eventually wear me down. I cannot tell you how many times I have rejected offers to spend time with friends either due to my schedule or because I no longer had the mental capacity to do something else on that given day. Stress has always been there and stress will always be there for me. I just need to grasp onto the fact that I cannot control everything. The worst part of getting panic attacks is the loss of control. It feels as all of the air in my body has been pushed out of chest, leaving me gasping and shaking. Pain is not the word that is associated with these lapses in authority over my own body. The word that I’d use is paralyzed. Not paralyzed in fear, but paralyzed in the notion that my feeling of being powerless will never

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