Practical Book Review of Petersen

Christina Suarez

HSCO 508/ Liberty University

August 2, 2015

Practical Book Review of Petersen

Summarize!

Why Don’t We Listen Better? Communicating & Connecting in Relationships by James C. Peterson is considered self-help book, which explains the way listening may enhance the way we think and respond to different situations in our daily life through communication. Why Don’t We Listen Better? Communicating and Connecting in Relationships has offered immense insight in the manner to promote relationships and the way to link to others.

There are five sections to Petersons’ book that include options in communicating, talker-listener process, listening techniques, using TLC in groups, and the concluding philosophy. One of my favorite sections of the text is second part is the Talker-Listeners Card , which teaches us the way to take turns in that we must listen first and respond second. The third part of the book talks about retaining the methods that you learned about, as well as then finding what works best better. The fourth and fifth part suggests that one should become that individual whose presence is needed in a given conservation.

Petersen learned through personal observation that most people think they listen, but don’t really hear each other. The test suggests that communication starts with the brain, heart, and stomach. Petersen (2007). argues that stomach functions comprise of our emotions, as well as feelings although one might feel emotions everywhere. As far as the heart is concerned it establishes the ability to discern and give possible quality end results due to compassion and empathy. This bible verse sums up what not to do to obtain quality communication “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29). Good communication that leads to steady growth contains an equal investment from the brain, heart, and stomach. Maintaining the balance will permit a healthy and productive communication process.

Additionally, in his Petersen defines two vital levels of communication, the exchange of information and the point of view. Peterson states that communication often lacks depth and this can complicate things. When communicating there needs to be a deeper level of thought and an emotional attachment, and shared feelings. According to Petersen (2007), this level of communication, information becomes clearer, simpler, and the process more forgiving and accommodating.

When I am acting as the counselor I tend to show a higher level of sympathy, warmth> I able to be more objective due to my emotions are more distant than a personal relationship and I want the best end result for the one being counseled. Following the siuggestions or communication techniques described by Peterson in the text communication amongst peers, family, and groups should improve. If this is true then the quality of my life also improves.

Respond!

In the parts of the book, to myself and reasoning communication was certainly significant. There have been many unhealthy conversations with my husband where we did not listen or talk effectively Petersen talks regarding ownership and this can sometimes be difficult in a relationship when you feel that you may be correct in your perspective in a conversation. I though I understood what it meant to take ownership but after reading the text I have an increased understanding and find that I have room for improvement as does my husband.

In the midst of many conversations while attempting to hash out the dilemma, I remember telling my husband that he hardly takes any responsibility for anything he does and that he routinely takes defense. I have to remember to apologize from my wrong doings; no matter what his response may be in order to reach quality communication and a best end result. Sometimes my husband will respond to me stating that I am the one not taking responsibility and deflecting or blame shifting. After reading the text I recognized I sometimes may be communicating alone. He was responding; nonetheless, no listening.. I do recognize ownership in communication and taking responsibility for my thoughts, as well as emotions are vital regardless of he responds as I cannot alter his responses but can encourage a healthier conversation by changing my actions in the communication process.

After much reflection on my role in communication with othes I found that I am guilty when it comes to quality listening to other people. I find that I sometimes do not acknowledge others emotions or already have a response formulated while they are still talking. I recall an instance where I told my friend after her calling me crying regarding her boyfriend that she must quit crying, get a grip , and abandon that good for nothing boyfriend. I would further tell her all he does is make you cry and I am sick hearing of it every time. In my internal talk, I was struggling with my relationship with my husband, whom I was really hurting over. I was completely disregarding her pain and was only thinking of my own struggles and giving advice that I myself was not following. After reading the text by Peterson I realized I was tearing down our friendship with this sort of communication and not processing my own relationship in a healthy way.

Reflect!

A moment of clarity came to me when I read that some communicators are not concerned with being understood, as well as heard. The listener actually wants control (Petersen, 2007). I thought back to similar situations in the past with my husband. Yes, although it appears he is in control; it does not give him the right to completely disregard my thoughts and emotions. After experiencing the same style of communication for the last 13 years, this book affirmed what I had been feeling about our level of communication the entire time. The book explains that sometimes individuals can get locked into their agendas and can be problematic in communication. Provided that I do everything that he needs and wants me to do, and I boost his ego, then he is great. This makes for a problematic conversation between us as we have experienced in our past conversations. Nonetheless, now understanding that I can assist in solving these challenges by my communication techniques. Petersen underscored the fact that problem people with significant control needs can possibly hurt someone. Knowing that he really doesn’t want to hurt our marriage or me as a person I have to be cautious with my approach and the way I communicate and use this method.

This is more ironic since these past weeks, I have been telling myself that it is time to move forward in our marriage and work on our marriage so that when our children are grown and out of our home we can continue our lives together in a better marriage. I can use the information suggested by Petersen to improve the communication, therefore the relationship with my husband and others in my life. I could do this next time we have a conversation that is not productive for either one of us. “You seem like you want the results of this conversation to go your way, but in a healthy marriage that is not the way it works” of course in a respectful manner. I believe that this might get his attention. This method will assist me to recall that my feelings are equally vital.

Act!

After reading this self-help book “Why Don’t We Listen Better”, I plan on using everything that I have gathered by attempting to make careful efforts to implement it in the daily communication process. I will be placing the Talker-Listener Cardin purse so that it is easy to access and review from time to time. I want to reduce emotional disturbance so that I can have a clearer thought process when communicating.

I am going to use TLC as much as possible and practice owning my feelings, use both hands, hem and haw more and particularly parental role. Each of these approaches done well will definitely assist me in being successful when engaging with a peer or a counselee who requires guidance. With my 16 year old son, the parental responsibility technique really touched a place in my heart that I didn’t realize I need to grow in. He is consistently telling me that I never listen to him and after giving it some hard thought he was correct. This method will better our relationship and offer me a better understanding of what he is experiencing so I can help him grow to be a better young man.

The head talk picture is a represenation of my communication behavior at times that I need to improve. In certain conversations I can be misunderstood as not having emotions attached to the situation even though I really do and the listener can become offended by that. It is so simple to judge and make presumptions regarding the individual’s situation rather than listening to them to give guidance in the right direction. Additionally, the talker-listener card is an important instrument, which I will constantly utilize in the communication process. I will practice taking turns in communication so that each side has an equal opportunity to feel heard and valued in the conversation.

Using “Why Don’t We Listen Better?” as a form of reference to my clients that I counsel will be a great tool allowing for further growth and healing in relationships. Using the TLC as an example and describing it, and then asking the counselee if they mind taking part in the task could lead to many great results Moreover, making Q-cards of the word pictures or even framed pictures hung around the office can successfully assist in the process of assisting the counselees. I have had many positive results from clients based on the observation of the environment and what is seen. It is like your house where there are family photos hanging on the walls it creates a certain environment that feels safe and inviting. Some people process better when they can draw out the image and explain the meaning.

In orde for my life to improve I need to practice these techniques consistently. Through life I have been able to learn that one cannot be a service to somebody else until they have taken care of themselves. Sometimes in life, I tend to jump in head first and act as if I know everything; nevertheless, I have learned that listening first is an important aspect towards understanding what someone else is going through in life and thinking of various situations that relate to their case as they are conversing. Another verse that has served me well to have memorized is verse in the book of Daniel 2:21 that the God gives wisdom to the wise, as well as knowledge to those who have understanding. This book along with the Bible and other tools have added quality to who I am therefore making more available to help others.

Reference

Petersen, J. C. (2007). Why Don't We Listen Better? Communicating & Connecting in Relationships. Portland, OR: Petersen Publication.