Psychedelic smile, dazzling eyes, stunning appearance, smart stature—she was more than gorgeous as expected. It was her day; her most awaited day in all her lifetime. Clad in silvery white crocheted gown, she walked down the long aisle with a blush on her beautiful face. Holding a bouquet of flowers and donning snow-colored veil, she was the fairest of all fair: the apple of my eye. As her steps resounded in the halls and in my ears, tears washed my vision as I played my piano and sang:
“You were just a dream that I once knew
I never thought I would be right for you
I just can’t compare you with
Anything in this world
You’re all I need
To be here and forevermore”
She wasn’t mine. She wouldn’t be mine. She couldn’t be mine, and she will never be mine. She was a woman, and so was I. It was her wedding day and I wasn’t the one beside her ready to say ‘I do’. I was only the singer and pianist of their wedding theme song, “Forevermore”—one of my all-time favourite classic songs that I sang to her once.
She knew of the overwhelming emotions I have felt for her, and we grew close to each other after that confession. We were open to each other and were fond of ourselves. She used to tease me about anything, ran me errands, or requested from me something. Along with these, she never hesitated to give me expensive presents at certain occasions even if I would always refuse. I didn’t want to be of any burden to her; all I wanted was to give her anything I could offer for her to be happy. She completed me, my dear Rose, and she stayed close to me until he came. This was not to imply that I blamed Mike for being the cause of Rose’ distancing from me. I knew my limits. As months walked by, Rose and I grew apart from each other. I tried to be in touch with her but there was that certain barrier that even my undaunted love could not break down. I then realized my worth—I was nothing when I was not with her. I turned to prayer, whined to God all the anguish my weary heart could barely take and all the worst miseries my human mind could ever imagine. I even questioned my existence about why I was born like this and in a life of agonies. Despair dominated my entirety for many years. I tried so many times to get back and stand on my own two feet again but everytime I closed my eyes, I saw her smiling face. Moving on was like dying and then trying to live again. And so I started anew with my singing career dedicating my service to the church: the reason Rose and I crossed roads again, this time, not just on an ordinary day, but on her wedding day. As the notes filled the church with beautiful symphony, my heart beat to the lyrics while my eyes sweated with tears. I instantly summoned every ache that had kept me down for so long a time. They were wed, and I wept. Their reception invited me to join the blissful event which was a dejected happening to me. My frown never turned upside-down, so, I was forced to make my exit when she called me, “Alexis!” It was her day, and I didn’t want to ruin it so I flashed a fake smile the best I could give. “Hey! Congratulations. Best wishes.” “I’m sorry. I know I have been rude to you ignoring your calls and messages. I’m sorry for not telling you I was getting married. I should have told you.” “It’s fine. I would die knowing everything.” “I really am sorry for making you feel this way. I...I hope you’ll forgive me. You’ll find someone for you who’ll love you the way you loved me. Please be happy for me.” “It’s not your fault. You’re just being you. And I don’t think I have the strength and courage to face anyone and generate the feeling once more,” I uttered in the most sobering way and added a sigh, “You’re happy, so, I’ll be happy. I’ll take off to a place far away from here. I would like to meet my new life’s Genesis and start afresh. I promise you won’t see me again. Goodbye!” I immediately turned my back at her. I knew it was rude, but I didn’t want to look at her face for I might find a reason for staying. I packed my things that night and took the flight bound for Manila. It was very heavy at heart leaving so many precious things behind. I was like a leaf that fell from a tree parting from the entity that sustained my life. My heart began to beat fast; I felt it pumping above my chest. It was clear that I couldn’t accept what had happened, yet I kept it. My heart slowed down and contracted. I found it hard to breathe but I didn’t want to bother the flight attendant. Finally, I arrived. The large businesses there offered me great opportunities for my singing career to boom. It wasn’t hard to blend in that’s why I achieved success in the field of music industry. I performed a lot of live concerts in the country and was given the opportunity to have a world tour. I was beginning to rise up from my ruins then when something happened. My first outside-of-the-country concert tour was destined in Thailand. Everyone with me for the concert and I got on board a plane ready to breathe Thai air. Then there was this irritating tremble—mild at first, then it became worse—which turned out to be the aftermath of the flight turbulence. The last thing I knew was when I looked into the plane’s window and saw a bright flash that blinded me. Media said it was a plane crash due to the unexpected storm and I survived. Even so, it was reported that I was dead in the fateful accident. Everyone thought I was dead including Rose. I was treated in California and developed amnesia. I couldn’t remember anything—who I was, where I came from, what happened to me, and the like. My family knew all along but kept it from everybody. They supported me in my new life. I was a new person. My talent brought me back to the stage in the US setting, and many loved me and became my fanatics. I was then again proposed a world tour but my parents disagreed thinking the same thing would happen to me. It was the peak of my career and I wanted to explore the planet. My parents understood me, gave me their blessing, and travelled with me. We have gone to Arizona, Las Vegas, London, Italy, Singapore, Malaysia, and Hong Kong. Next stop was the Philippines, my long forgotten native land. There was a very warm welcome for me from the Filipino citizens. All of their eyes spoke the immense pride of their hearts knowing the same racial blood flows within our veins. Wild screams and cheers besides the standing ovation congratulated me for a concert well done under the gleaming technicolored lights. I was about to leave my dressing room when an uncontrollable crowd got my attention. A woman was eagerly trying to muscle her way past three big men in black with “SECURITY” written at their backs. She had sparkling eyes that were home to me; she was a familiar beauty that seemed to have been inhabited in my mind. I watched every single intricate detail she possessed as she stumbled unto me after breaking away from the security men. She called me, “Alexis!” “Yes, Miss? May I help you?” “Alexis, I miss you so much!” “Uhmm...Are you my fan? I’ll give you an autograph if you want.” “Are you kidding me? You just became famous and you have forgotten me?” “I am sorry, but you have to leave. Security!” “Hey, wait! Don’t you really remember me? It is I, Rose.” And then it hit me. Somehow, my brain twitched like a lightning struck the lands of my memory. A blurry figure haunted the corridors of my head digging up perfectly happy moments and equally sad events. The word ‘Rose’, she claimed her name, reminded me of a beautiful flower that had thorns—the image of an azure rose, so blue that the prickly thorns extended its ability to create sadness to the bud’s color but nevertheless did not diminish the beauty of the creation. I knew of a Rose once and couldn’t dredge up her existence. I was certain that the Rose I knew must have somehow felt an intense and deep sadness behind the thick walls of happiness. That, I was certain, and yet I still cannot remember clearly. Her face was immediately and unknowingly etched in my mind as I blankly stared at her as she was taken away out of my sight. I knew that I knew her. I just cannot remember, or maybe, I do not want to recall. Everything was dizzy and confusing. No memories haunted me, but the fact that I wasn’t whole kept taunting me. Some nights, I found it hard to sleep. Some days, I found it hard to eat. My family decided to take a break and planned to have a short vacation in our old house where I grew up. The fresh air reminded me of happy-go-lucky days. I got to roam around my old room attempting to reminisce my good old days. The bright morning star shone its rays through my window to the soft sheets of my bed. I gazed around rotating my head and found an old dusty wallet of mine. I opened it and the very first thing that I saw was a picture of a lovely face. I innocently smiled as I looked at her smiling back at me. The fondness I felt seemed unceasing the more I stared at the picture. Then, something came up. I realized I was looking at the woman I saw after my concert days ago. This puzzled my mind. I was furious at the fact that I could not understand what was going on. I went up to my brother and asked why I have a picture of this woman. He looked at me with moving eyes and told me that the figure in the picture was once my friend. I had the feeling of uncertainty on what he said, so, I asked the same query to my closest cousin. He answered the same. I still had doubt in my mind, but I trusted them, so, I believed them. Still, the hidden truth that was deprived to reach me struggled itself to make through the thickets of lies and was yet for me to uncover. It was a fine Saturday morning when I took a jog around the vicinity’s leafy lawns. My music filled my head with relaxation as they travelled through the wires of my iPod. I didn’t give any attention to where I was walking as I saw things blankly until I bumped someone. I came back to my senses, looked at the person I ran into, stared at her for a while, and then realized that it was her! She was the woman in my wallet’s picture—Rose. I was scared to open up a conversation to her at first, but I cleared my throat and started to talk holding the fact that she is a friend. “Hi!” “Hello, Alexis.” “Uhh, yeah...About during the concert...Uhhm...I’m so sorry I didn’t recognize you. I was in a plane crash and I cannot remember anything. It was just recently that I was told that you are my friend.” “I see. You cannot remember me anymore.” A sudden vibe uncontrollably manipulated my lips to saying, “But I want to remember.” She looked at me with glittering eyes and with a meaningful smiling red lips. It was as if she was really eager to share a slice of her past where my presence was an ingredient. Half of my manifestation was glued attracted to the near-future words to be heard—joyous to attentively listen and recall good memories with a forgotten friend. Contrariwise, the other half trembled including the temples of my mind—feared that something might doom me in crestfallenness; I sensed melancholy on words not yet heard. Her luscious and supple lips began to open and angelic words sounded like fantasia to my ears aiding the films of my memory to play wonderful scenes of friendship. She spoke freely without any shilly-shallying of anything and everything that had happened. Yes! Everything that had happened—she never excused the unwanted memories. Thus, gradually, my happy mood changed to bitterness. My mind kept telling me to let her tell the marines for unlike what my brother and cousin told me, she kept reiterating a somewhat close and intimate bond between us. We were not related by consanguinity, and I firmly believed in the infamous saying, “Blood is thicker than water”, forcing me to rather hold on to the belief that, according to my brother and cousin, we were just friends—nothing more, nothing less. Even so, a tiny voice at the corner of my thoughts echoed a soft truth on Rose’ story. I was baffled, yet I kept my cool. That night, when all worries was supposedly dissolved away and when the darkness surrendered to silence as I to rest, my slumber convicted me into the world of dreams. Fate must had grown impatient to the unravelling truth that it immediately made a cruel way of reminding me of what I could not and did not want to remember—I dreamt of my past. It was like déjà vu—letting me relive the painful episodes and feel the unending stings. My eyes stayed close while my ears felt my pillow soaked in tears. My heart pumped speedily again as I breathed my chest up and down. I knew I was perspiring until I woke up to find myself catching my breath—my breathing was choppy due to constant tear jerking. I calmed myself down.
It was thirty minutes down the hour of four in the morning. I was much wide awake busy strangling my thoughts almost near to sanity. I could not digest to my pool of ideas the fact that my relatives dared to lie to me. I could not resist myself anymore that I got up, went to the next room, and raised up my brother to wake him up.
My mad face so scary was the first thing my brother saw. He was startled and immediately ran to our neighbour, our cousin’s home. I followed him, and they both faced me with decisive looks. They deeply discussed the reasons beyond the sea of lies they let me swam and drowned into. They insisted that it was for my own good. I was upset, not just only because of my relatives’ lies, but also the truth of the matter. I locked myself up in my room imposing martial law inside the four walls punishing me of having been a fool. Then, I realized that it was better if I should not meet Rose anymore for the reason that I might wound myself again. I agreed that I was a better person when I did not remember those hurting chapters in my life.
Since then, I snubbed and did not mind Rose’ presence. Everytime I noticed her looking at me, I would always find ways to avoid eye contact. When she went my way, I would always turn to another direction. When she calls my name, I would always pretend not hearing her. It was like hell to me! When she looked at me, I’d itch to smile back at her. The times she went my way, I actually really loved to make an about face and walk with her. Whenever I heard her sweet lips uttering my name, I actually prayed for her to come near me and ask me to look back at her. And I so hated the times I did not mind her for I actually wanted to entertain her, yet I cried invisible tears. It was not easy—it was hell hard! I could not dare pick up my heart’s broken pieces and offer them to her. Cowardice reigned my soul. I was again the wretched Alexis who were haunted by fears, sorrows, miseries, worries, heartaches, and the like. I became unhappier this time around. For the record, I even collapsed in the middle of my fanatics during a live concert. My manager described it as stress and depression, but I would rather suggest calling it as stupidity.
I did not mind what happened in the unexpected accident during that concert. I still continued performing more concerts after that sudden incident when another incident hapened. It was early in the morning when I went outside my house and approached my picanto automobile when my legs lost strength bringing me down on the ground making me kneel down. The impact of falling to the ground made me spit three drops of garnet red fluid. There was blood on both my nostrils and lips. I coughed and coughed a few times more painting more red on the ground. I could not move a muscle. My brother saw me and the blood on the ground, and he brought me to the nearest medication center. It was then when we found out that I had leukemia—cancer of the blood. Doctors explained that this was caused by stress, unsleepiness, and a bad lifestyle. My brother shared the bad news to my cousin and my family. I did not want to let Rose know anything about this, so, I asked those who knew not to tell her.
Medical experts further estimated my time left to be three more months. It was very shocking on my part—it made me thought of more unhappy entities. I was all the more sad. No! Worse—I felt sadder than sadness. Why am I left with so little time? What will be the reactions of those I will leave? Who will cry? When is the exact date of my death? Where will I go when I die? Am I supposed to correct my mistakes? How? Will Rose get mad at me of not telling her? Will she be sad losing me? Why me? Unnumbered inquiries wandered in my brain. Weeks swiftly went by, and I gradually accepted my kismet. All I thought were the things I should do during my last days. Then, I planned of seeing her.
More weeks flew away. Blood always surfaced on my body, and I was often brought to the hospital. I became weaker and tired—transferring from house to hospital and vice versa—,so , I decided to just stay at home. Though chills and shivers visited my body often, I would always refuse to be brought to the hospital. I was sick, and there was no cure.
It was not long after when Rose knew about my illness. She immediately visited me at home. It was the time when I really felt that hopes vanished into thin air, and that my life was already near its twilight. I was very pale already, yet I did not want to show any weakness. I could see through her that she was unhappy of my condition and that she wanted to cry, yet she did not because she wanted to have a happy conversation. It was clear in my eyes, too, the sadness I felt, but I was scared to bring down her tears, so, I kept smiling while staring at her.
“I will be waving my hand sooner or later already,” I told her. “I’m ready to accept whatever’s gonna happen. God must have a reason for this. Don’t worry. I’ll be fine. Promise me...promise me you won’t let anyone hurt you. Promise me you’ll be happy...and after this, please do forget about me. I’ll be saying goodbye. There will be no reason for you to remember me anymore. A person gone isn’t worth staying in the realms of anyone’s memories. Stay happy. Promise me that. ”
I never posed a frown at her. Everytime I spoke, I was smiling. I did not want her to see me cry. She did not say a word; instead, she brought us outside my house. We sat on the grass facing the deep blue sea. The waters looked tranquil on the surface yet who knows what lurked beyond its depth. It was peaceful. All we could hear were the rustling of leaves in swaying to and fro on their branches as the cool zephyr danced with them, the humming of the swallows as they swoop down the meadows of fresh-looking daisies gently kissed by the warm rays of the sun, and the splashing of crystal clear waters on the rocks, stones, and pebbles on the shore six yards away from us. I stood up and said, “It’s nice to strive hard to live especially when the surroundings is like this, right?” I turned to her with a smiling face. She was about to say something when I added, “But we’re humans. We are but passers of this wonderful world. We’re here today and gone tomorrow. Whether we like it or not, the time of leaving and bidding everyone goodbye will just come...and all we are left to do is to thank the people we met along the roads of our journey.” Rose noticed that I was already speaking of my “Mí Ultimo Adiós”.
“Thank you,” I said.
“For what?” she replied.
“For having met you. Thank you very much. You’ve played an important role in my life. Thanks for all those times. Somehow, I’m glad I’ve met and known a person like you. I love you! You know that well,” I added and smiled. I then sat back down again beside her and held her left hand like lovers holding each other’s hands. “It’s tiresome,” I told her. Then, I laid my head on her shoulder and hers on my head. I spoke once again, “Though the sun sets and hides below the horizons, you can still see its rays reaching above shining still. It somehow reminds us its significance that it had brought light to the world,” and once more as I sighed while tired of breathing, “I’m gonna rest now. Remember your promise. Keep it, okay?”
I lightly closed my eyes, then, tears fell from hers. She said, “I’m also happy that I met and known you. I’m sorry, I didn’t tell you sooner. You did everything and sacrificed a lot for me without asking anything in return. Thank you so much, Alexis.”
The last rays of the setting sun turned redder than red as the angels painted the sky from gold to pink then to violet. Fading brightness versus darkness—both fought over the domination of the sky. Twinkling eyes started to peek and blink. The sky was covered with black blanket.
The sun set. I woke up.

by Eliama June C. Sevilla