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A Death in All It's Own

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A death in all its own

Looking at me now, can you see the hell I’ve been through? No you can’t because I know I hide my dance with hell particularly well. You would never think to expect the women you see now ever had a brush with heroin. I’m not even sure I want to tell this story; but it needs to be told. Every person lives through things differently; every person handles different situations in their own way. My story will not be the same as the next, I imagine this is the very reason I chose to tell it.

Not every relationship is butterflies and rainbows. Abuse is not always physical; it can be emotional and mental as well. How many times can someone get pushed down every time they try to get back up? Before they stop trying and decide to just lay there? He hit me; sliced my tires when I tried to leave; locked me away from my daughters; pushed me into a wall when I was seven months pregnant with our son; threw me up against steps and almost broke my back. The list of things that were done to me by him can go on and on. I won’t go into it all. See he was addicted to all different types of drugs and had anger issues worse then a hurricane. He got me started into all of it. Yes I had the choice to make. When it comes to either do this or never see your children again; you do what you are told, especially when you know if you don’t the worst will happen.

That “relationship” already had me feeling like there was no way out. I felt like I was getting tossed around in the ocean with no clue on which way was the surface again. The air bubbles just weren’t there to point me in what direction to go, so the down-ward spiral into becoming addicted to heroin begun. There was no way I seen it coming and I couldn’t stop it. Heaven was actually a very twisted and demented hell. Though I thought it was great and perfect, I eventually came down. Waking up every morning sick and not wanting to move is never fun. Actually I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Every day I woke up I truly wanted to die. Then I would get that fix and I thought I was back to normal again. The whole time I didn’t see the monster I was becoming. The kids were still taken care of; but I no longer took them to the park. We never played together anymore. Looking back onto the moments I lost with my children rip my heart out.

I didn’t know who I was anymore but I finally saw the monster I became one morning. I lost so much weight and was so pale; I looked like a complete stranger. I hated myself, I hated him, and I hated everything. Life is too short to waste; I knew something had to change. I knew I had to turn everything around. I knew I needed to go to rehab, so I did. Twenty-eight days is a long time to think about everything you did in three months. Everyone you hurt, how much you missed your children, how by one choice everything got so messed up. The rehab I went to was on the top of a mountain. The sun rise reminded me every single day that I was there, that each day is a new day. Each day I got a little stronger. Each day I got closer to a choice that I hadn’t yet realized I was about to make. Withdraw was nothing compared to the destruction I knew I left behind. I would have to fix everything I messed up when I got home.

Two weeks after I got out of rehab I made the choice that I was leaving the guy I was with. I had to get away, for my sanity. More importantly I had to get away for my daughters. I couldn’t raise them like that. I couldn’t let them grow up thinking it was ok if a man hit you, or to be called horrid names and be put down every day. I don’t know what I would do without my family, but I would be really lost without my husband. He was there whenever I needed him. Through the crying and screaming, any time day or night. He was there for it all. I leaned on him the most. He was my best friend. He understood me better then anyone. Did I know then that I would be married to him today? Not at all, and I couldn’t wish for a better person to spend the rest of my life with.

I was told to be proud of what I have gotten through because it wasn’t easy. Why be proud of it in the first place? I hate the choices I made and where they led me. On the other hand it is and always will be a part of who I am. It didn’t kill me; I learned some valuable lessons through out it all. Does that mean I will ever go back to it? Truthfully no, no I will not. Why go back to something that you know destroyed your life once? Something that made you miss so many important moments? I worked very hard to get to where I am, and I’m not letting go of it over something so dangerous. Besides, in about two months I will be clean for two years. There’s no going back now.

You may know someone who has been through this hell, you may not. Still it is important to not throw someone away for the choices they have made. Everyone needs someone when their whole world falls apart. Family, by blood or by choice, will always be the most important thing in the world. If I didn’t have the people in my life when I hit rock bottom I know I would be dead. If you know someone who is battling addiction, help them find their way up. You might be the only thing saving their life.

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