Children of Divorce

MBrooks

University

Abstract

Within the past 30 years it is safe to say that divorce is an epidemic that has affected about fifty percent of families in the United States. When discussing the topic of divorce, one must think about the many issues they must face in the ‘long term’, and in the present that affects children. Many problems have added to the family’s interaction before the divorce, as well as, ongoing conflict afterward. The stages of divorce affect children in different ways depending on their coping skills in their stage of development. Furthermore, the consequences of divorce may impact the child’s overall sense of security in meeting their most basic needs. Studies have also shown that children’s responses to divorce can attribute to behavioral problems. Children mimic what they see, so reassuring your children is a vital part of getting them through this difficult time. Further discussions will pose positive attributes due to a great support system and having well-adjusted children after divorce.

Children of Divorce Vows are exchanged in the presence of our Father, and the verse that changes everything from that moment of promise on is—“a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? Matthew 19:5. ’And, you may kiss the bride…” Blissful couples leave the church with the intention of living happily ever after, not really thinking the statistics are against them from the start; one out of fifty end in divorce (Amato,2000). In a statement made by CBN ‘s Pat Roberts, the fifty percent also includes Christian couples. God hates divorce, and makes it clear in Matthew 19:6 – “Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” The origin of divorce as far as I can see starts from the time of Moses and shows the hardness of hearts, mainly stubbornness and pride, which are the cause of divorce in my opinion. This verse stated it well - Matthew 19:8, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because of the hardness of your hearts, but from the beginning it was not this way”. You do not need research to see the slow deterioration of the marriage institution in our society today, according to yesterday’s article in AOL which stated that weddings are at an all time low, and how it affects our nation’s children. Studies have found that children of divorced parents were about fifty percent more likely to score higher in the area of behavioral problems than those of married parents (Shanksy, 2002). The child’s age and level of security, will certainly affect their stage of development at the time of the ongoing divorce and beyond. Research will show that divorce can have both negative and positive effects on children based on how each situation is handled. Children mimic what they see, and react to their parents’ responses to difficult situations such as divorce; before and after. It doesn’t matter what age, or developmental stage the child is in at the time of the divorce, in as much as how much they focus on their parents’ anxiety (Beal et al, 1991, p37). Children are acutely aware of parents’ body language, words and actions if they are distraught, and it conveys to them that they have something to be frantic about too (Beal et al, 1991, p37). During the chaotic initial phase of divorce, parents emotionally abuse their children by exposing them to their fighting, making them take sides, and even blaming the child directly for the marital problems (Teyber, 1992, p45). A violent household is a major concern for the effects it can have on a child’s identity and relationships with others in the future as they relate or mimic that same gender role of violent behavior (Jekielek, 1998). If a male child is seeing aggressive behavior from the father toward his mother, he may also act out in the same way (Jekielek, 1998). What are the heads of the household, from a Christian Worldview, showing our future generations of men who will lead our children’s and grandchildren’s homes? Male children who see that violence on their mothers, start to see women as ‘having’ to be submissive to them and may grow up a victim of circumstance in their future relationships instilling domestic violent behavior. Parental conflict is a major stressor to a child’s environment that can threaten a child’s sense of security and self-esteem (Jekielek, 1998). If both parents are level headed, and discuss the particulars about how things will be run after the divorce from: where to live, school, etc…, then children may feel less anxiety and more security in knowing things will be ok. On the other hand, according to Amato’s (2000) research, shows that inept parenting on the part of the custodial parent or conflict between both parents is linked to negative child outcomes such as: lower academic achievement, internalizing and externalizing problems, reduced self-esteem and social skills (Amato, 2000). Interparental conflict affects children directly by making the child emotionally insecure for the lack of attachment with the parents (Amato, 2000). The emotional state of the child, whether depressed, cheerful, anxious or calm, may be associated to their well-being and future achievements (Funder et al, 1991). Positive outcomes also occur, in spite of some father-absent children, who adjust exceptionally well if they have especially competent mothers (Teyber, 1992, 104). These unusually successful single mothers are emotionally available, maintain firm but sensitive discipline, communicate well with their children, and encourage independent mature behavior in them (Teyber, 1992, 104). Teyber(1992) also talks about how these capable mothers had strong relationships with their fathers who set high standards, and were very nurturing and supportive to their daughters. Mothers who were independent before the divorce are especially capable of providing a well-organized, highly structured household for children (Teyber, 1992, p104). An absent father doesn’t necessarily mean that the child will have long-term problems, but there still a compelling factor that children need them post-divorce (Teyber, 1992, p104). Factors that make it possible for easier to adjust to divorce are the actual child’s coping skills. If the child with problem solving coping skills, and a great peer support system has an easie r adjustment period than those who use avoidance as a way to cope (Amato, 2000). A high level of intimacy with one or both parents was found to be associated with higher life satisfaction among children of divorced parents (Shansky, 2002, p 73). Those parents who are calm and reasonable, reassure their children easing them through this rough time, will have children who will show less symptoms of a divorce aftermath (Beal et al, 1991). From a Christian worldview, God designed marriage to be a lifelong relationship, not a temporary one. When we veer from the road God has set for us to follow, as I’ve explained in the research above, the results are devastating! In fact, the first institution created by God is marriage – that was intended for permanent unions between a man and a woman, and designed to create children of good character (Malachi 2:13-16). The bible is very clear in stating the fact that God hates divorce. He hates it, because it tears down the stable and secure foundation of every family. Most divorces are avoidable, unnecessary, and should seek every possible opportunity to undo the damage done to the relationship by seeking Christian counsel.

References

Amato, P., (2000). The Consequences of Divorce for Adults and Children. Journal of

Marriage and Family, 62, 1269-1287. Retrieved from http:// www.liberty.edu/library

Beal, E. W., and Hochman, G. (1991) Adult Children of Divorce: Breaking the Cycle

and Finding Fulfillment in Love, Marriage, and Family. New York, NY: Delacorte.

Funder, K. and Kinsella, S., (1991). Divorce, change and children: Effects of changing

family structure and income on children. Australian Institute of Family Studies, Article, 30,

20-23. Retrieved from http://www.aifs.gov.au/institute/pubs/fm1/fm30/kf.html

Jekielek, S. M. (1998) Parental Conflict, Marital Disruption and Children’s Emotional Well-

Being. Social Forces 76(3): 905-936.

Shansky, J. (2002). Negative effects of divorce on child and adolescent psychosocial adjustment.

Journal of Pastoral Counseling, p73.

Retrieved from http://www.iona.edu/academic/artsscience/orgs/pastoral/issues/2002.pdf

Teyber, E. (1992). Helping Children Cope with Divorce. New York, Lexington