Questions Worth Asking

Before the Ring
WILLIAM L. COLEMAN

Before the Ring Copyright © 1991, 1998, 2004 by William L. Coleman All rights reserved. Discovery House Publishers is affiliated with RBC Ministries, Grand Rapids, Michigan. Discovery House books are distributed to the trade exclusively by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, OH. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. Requests for permission to quote from this book should be directed to: Permissions Department, Discovery House Publishers, P.O. Box 3566, Grand Rapids, MI 49501. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Coleman, William L. Before the ring : questions worth asking / William L. Coleman. p. cm. ISBN 1-57293-133-7 1. Dating (Social customs). 2. Interpersonal relations. 3. Dating (Social customs)—Religious aspects—Christianity. [1. Dating (Social customs). 2. Interpersonal relations. 3. Christian life.] I. Title. HQ801.C67 1991 646.7’7—dc20 91-16196 Interior design by Sherri L. Hoffman Printed in the United States of America 08 09 10 11 12 / CHG / 21 20 19 18 17

Preface 1. Why So Many Questions? 2. So What’s the Hurry? 3. Opening Up the Treasure Chest 4. No More Silly Games 5. Beware of Pumpkin Shells 6. Going with a Perfectionist 7. Someone to Lean On 8. Life in the Gender Blender 9. Dreams, Desires, Goals, Ambitions 10. Love on the Rebound 11. Quick to Forgive 12. Guidelines for Sex 13. One in the Spirit 14. Maturity Makes a Difference 15. Cash, Credit Cards, Collateral 16. The Volcano Watch 17. Who Serves Whom? 18. Laughing Together 19. Lend Me an Ear 20. Respect for Time and Space 21. Getting Married—Again 22. Faithful and Committed

Contents

7 9 15 23 27 31 37 45 53 63 71 79 87 97 105 113 121 127 135 143 153 159 169

CHAPTER

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Why So Many Questions?
F YOU WERE PLANNING a two-week trip through the Rocky Mountains, you would ask hundreds of questions. What’s the best way to get there? What will the weather be like? What clothes should I take? How much will it cost? Where will I stay? How many places will I be able to visit along the way? When you are contemplating a trip that is to last the rest of your life, how foolish not to ask just as many or more questions before starting out. Before you head off on vacation, you will want to ask questions about your car to make sure it is in good repair. Do the tires have plenty of tread, or are they bald and about to blow out? Has the engine been serviced regularly, or does it take a quart of oil a week to keep it running? Are the brakes in good shape, or do they squeal every time you touch them? Even though the car runs well around town, you know that’s no guarantee it will withstand mile after mile of mountainous driving. You have confidence in the car for small jaunts, but you have sense enough to know it needs extra attention before taking it on a long trip.

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If you find some small defects, you can have them fixed before you hit the road. If you find major problems, you might want to find another vehicle to make the trip. Asking questions about your car doesn’t mean it’s ready for the junk heap; it just means you want it in the best condition possible for the dangerous roads ahead. And asking questions about your relationship doesn’t indicate you’ve given up on it; it just means you want to make sure it’s not going to break down when you have to go through rough times. The difficult thing about assessing a relationship is knowing which questions to ask and how to evaluate the answers. “I knew Andy had a bad temper, but I figured he would settle down,” Judy explained. “I had no idea it would turn to this. It’s gotten so bad I’m afraid to talk to him.” The sad thing is that everyone knew but Judy. Her friends, her parents, and her minister all had serious questions about Andy’s anger, but no one wanted to interfere. Judy may have saved herself some serious grief if she had known what to ask. Listen to Chuck. “I wanted her body more than anything else in the world. When you’re eighteen, you just sorta go nuts. I never even thought about things like goals or honesty or any of that stuff. I wanted to get married and go to bed. A lotta guys are like that.” And many of those who married the wrong person passed up a few “right” ones along the way simply because they failed to collect appropriate information. “I should have married Jason,” Amy said after her first marriage failed, “but like a dope I didn’t know what love was. I pushed him away because he seemed too good.”

A CHECKLIST Everyone needs a checklist of values and character traits that

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he or she considers important when considering a marriage partner. Those who are Christians are concerned about putting their faith to work in selecting a mate, and the Bible lists certain traits that are essential elements of love. Among them are patience, kindness, trust, hope, perseverance; the absence of pride, boasting, and anger. If neatness is a minor virtue to you, leave it off your list. If ambition is only a side issue, don’t bring it up. But to ignore thinking about those values is to make no decision at all. The best way to be sure of making a wise decision is to put your concerns into questions and discuss them fully. No list of values or set of questions, regardless of how thorough, will guarantee a perfect marital journey, but they will certainly make it more likely.

NOT EQUAL QUESTIONS This book suggests some questions to ponder. Years of observation and experience have shown me what issues young couples stumble over most often. Not all questions are of equal importance. Some aren’t important at all. You might not care whether your spouse is a Republican or a Democrat, but a Communist could be another matter. That’s for you to decide. Will socks on the floor drive you bonkers? How about lying? Can you tolerate someone who buries money in a coffee can in the backyard or one who spends it like confetti? Can you have a deep, enduring relationship with someone who considers Christ more like a wall plaque than a vital part of life? You must determine the priority of your questions. They have to be your concerns and not the idle wondering of a third party. Just remember, a marriage that violates your values is headed for trouble.

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NOT PASS/FAIL The goal of asking these questions is not to see if you both pass the test. Your first and major purpose is to improve your relationship by discussing what is important to both of you. Tell each other what drives you up a wall and be honest enough to acknowledge potential trouble spots. Practice the art of healthy dialogue before marriage and you will find it easier to do so on the other side of the altar. Openness, disclosure, and sharing are difficult for some, so you need to learn to express yourselves as early as possible.

unrestrained expressive candor—check!

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TIMING The most important time to raise these issues is now. Don’t wait until after you are engaged or married to discover that something is unsolvable. There is little likelihood that you will change much after you marry. Meaningful adjustments are more apt to occur while you are still trying to win and impress each other. If they don’t, watch out. If you could start your marriage with five dollars for every heartbroken, tear-drained young person who has said, “Well, we just never talked about that before we got married,” you could live comfortably without ever having to work. THE FUN OF DISCOVERY There is no reason to fear getting to know someone better. Every person is worth knowing, and many are terrific people filled with great character and amazing strength. Your initial positive instincts are usually verified when you get to know a person better. Likewise, you have little to fear by allowing yourself to be known, by letting out your real feelings. Most of us are treasure chests with more jewels inside than we realize.

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wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. —PROVERBS 31:10–11

Everyone wants to marry someone who looks good. That is the major interest of most young couples. But beneath appearance must be character that won’t fall apart under every little pressure. The

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point of meaningful questions is to test the strength of that character. Certainly it’s possible you will conclude that Handsome Hank is really Hank the Horrible. But if so, better now than after signing a marriage license. Enjoy getting to know each other.

Getting to Know You
1.
What questions could Judy have asked to find out the seriousness of Andy’s temper problem?

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2. What questions could Chuck have asked to determine whether love or lust was his motive for marriage? 3. What questions could Amy have asked to learn whether Jason’s good nature was indeed too good to be true? 4. Read 1 Corinthians 13 and list the qualities that make up love. List any others that are important to you (for example, neat, hardworking, smart, creative).
5. What questions can you ask to determine whether or not your relationship has the qualities that will enable it to survive the long journey of marriage?