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Development and Importance of Self Esteem

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Submitted By BridgetteLaHaye
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Every individual has their own image of how they see themselves. People can either feel great about who they are, or are constantly worried if others see them the way they see themselves; which is not always the greatest. There are many factors that contribute to an individual’s perception of themselves. Self-concept is the image that we have of ourselves and how we view ourselves to be. Self-concept refers to how someone thinks about or perceives themselves. While the term self-esteem is used to describe a person's overall sense of self-worth or personal value. Self-esteem is often seen as a personality trait, so it remains generally the same throughout the course of ones life. Self-esteem can involve a variety of beliefs about the self, such as the judgement of ones own appearance, beliefs, emotions, and behaviors. Self-esteem sets it’s foundations in our childhood and develops throughout our lives. There are four distinctive parenting styles that reflect ourselves later in life. The types are Authoritative parenting, Authoritarian parenting, Permissive parenting, and Neglectful parenting. Authoritative parenting is a style where the parent(s) have a lot of emotional support with firm limits on what their child can and can’t do. This parenting style has a high acceptance of their children as well as high control. Authoritative parenting is shown to have produced people with high self-esteem and shows that it could also reduce adolescent smoking and drinking (Piko and Balázas, 2012). Authoritarian parenting style refers to having very strong rules, limits, and restrictions with a distant emotional support system. These types of parents are very strict and are limited with showing emotions and connections to their child. This is an example of what most people call “tough love”. Permissive parenting is described as having high emotional support with few or little limits. These types of parents do not expect much of their children but are very loving towards their kids. This type of parent can create a child that exhibits behavior such as becoming self-involved or feeling entitled to certain things. Children may also have more problems with underage drinking. The last major type of parenting style is Neglectful parenting. Parents that implement this style are distant and do not set up very many rules. The long-term consequences for the children raised this way are growing up to be emotionally distant, lonely, and having other behavior problems (Weiten, Dunn, Hammer 2015). This type is my personal least favorite style. I have seen someone I care about a great deal suffer from a mother like this. I see a direct effect from him growing up with almost no contact with any female figure in his life, he is now very emotionally detached, very reluctant to reveal his feelings, and acts out very defensively when questioned about the subject of emotions because his mother had many traits of the Neglectful parenting style. Meanwhile, my mother was very Authoritative, so him being very distant is upsetting to me because I expect love and support from someone who actually doesn’t know what it is like to love and be loved. I have tried for a very long time to get him to open up and share his emotions. I have not been able to get anything out of him, with the only things that I have been able to observe is that he has low self-esteem and uses alcohol to cover up any upsetting feelings he might have. On the other hand, I have no problem telling people how I feel. I will let people know when I have a problem, otherwise I cannot see a logical way to fix it. I am fortunate enough to have had such a wonderful mother growing up. She was what I considered to be strict when I was younger. She was strict when it came to school and sports but always gave me a reward for doing well so I felt like my efforts were appreciated. I always had resources I needed to succeed. She helped shape into who I am. Although some things have changed over the years. As I get older she is less strict with rules and more emotionally supportive. She understands that I am 18 years old and will be more lenient with certain things. Now, my father is a different story. I cannot put him into one of these four categories. His parenting style has changed so much over the years and I think that might be the one problem I have. He was what we called the “marshmallow” because he said yes to everything: yes to candy, toys, and anything my brother and I wanted. Yet as I got older he began to be the parent that I could never ask anything because his answer would always be no. With him being so unstable over the years it makes me reluctant to trust him. He has always been gone on business trips for months at a time, or always either lived in a different state or commuting to cities hours away every day. Now he has moved back to San Diego, and now that he is trying to be more involved in my life, he is treating my as if I was 5 years old again and is very controlling of everything I do. He does not understand that he missed the age of where to be a strict parent, and now that I am a young adult he just needs to be supportive and give advice when I ask for it. With my mother being rather constant in her parenting style it made me grow so much closer to her and prefer her anytime I need support. Also by a mutual respect for one another and having her be strict on most things without being overbearing, I never felt the need to rebel and go out to parties or other things of that nature. I do not have the highest self esteem in the world but it is a lot better than some kids with parents who are neglectful or authoritarian. Overall, I have had a pretty decent self-esteem and a healthy self concept. When I was young, I had a great self-esteem and I think it’s because I didn't know what self-esteem was. I had no care in the world, and I was friends with people who liked me and some kids didn't like me so I left them alone. That was that. It was not complicated in those days. As I got older I started to understand what feelings truly were and from about freshmen year of high school until I graduated high school I was always “down” about something. To me, everyone was just too happy and no one would love me the way I loved them. My friends had all betrayed me somehow in high school and I felt like I could not get close to anyone without getting hurt. So I began to cut out all of those people in my life that were toxic to me and caused me to have bad thoughts about myself. I began to homeschool myself to finish high school and as soon as my environment changed my self-esteem shot up. I was no longer being dragged down by horrible teenagers. So I believe to build up self esteem, one must remove themselves from the situation that is bringing them down and removing people who do not deserve your time in your life. Once those people are removed from the environment, you have the ability to focus on what is good about your life and surround yourself with people who make you happy about yourself. My self-esteem has been going up recently because I have learned that if someone brings you down, there is no reason why they should be allowed in your life. It may be hard to do, but once you find the strength to remove toxic friends your livelihood will increase exponentially. According to (Weiten, Dunn, Hammer, 2015), there are eight ways to build self-esteem. The steps are: to recognize that you control your self-image, learn more about yourself, do not let others set your goals, recognize unrealistic goals, modify negative self-talk, emphasize your strengths, and approach others with a positive outlook. “A negative self-image can make expectations of rejection a self-fulfilling prophecy, because people with low self-esteem tend to approach others in negative, harmful ways. Real or imagined rejections lower self esteem still further, creating a vicious cycle” (Weiten, Dunn, Hammer 2015, p. 195). Building self-esteem is not an overnight thing, and it sometimes takes people years to improve how they see themselves, while there are some people that will never be able to build higher self-esteem. All in all, your self-esteem should not define who you are as a person. Your self-image is not always the same what other people see you as. People may either choose to let their low self-esteem to ruin their lives, or choose to deal with it and move on with daily life. While there are many things that go into shaping your self-esteem, such as environment and parenting styles, it is up to you to truly define your self worth as a human being.

References
Weiten, W., Dunn, D.S., & Hammer, E.Y. (2015). Psychology applied to modern life: Adjustment in the 21st century (11th edition). Samford, CT: Cengage learning.

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