Smarthinking's E-structor Response Form

(Your marked-up essay is below this form.)
HOW THIS WORKS: Your e-structor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your e-structor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] throughout your essay. Thank you for choosing Smarthinking's OWL; best wishes with revising your paper!
*Strengths of the essay: Thanh , thank you for submitting your assignment for review. I am Ann B., your writing tutor. First, I want to point out a strength I noted when I read your paper. This sentence in the introduction presents a question and then answers it: College athletes are supposed to be the best of the best on that level, so why do college athletes not get paid? The question sets up the argument nicely for the reader! Now let’s move on to some areas that need revision.
Content Development: A direct quotation like this one is not a good topic or first sentence:

McCourt states “The athletes are ones who put in hours of practice and training” ( Evan Rosenfeld and Scarlett McCourt).

Your audience may not understand why this quoted passage is important. The topic sentence should present a main point about athletes being paid in your own words. The first point is the hectic schedule. Can you write a topic sentence that introduces this point? I note that the second body paragraph does have a topic sentence introducing a point from the thesis in your own words:

Another reason to why college athletes should get paid is they need money for expenses.

Can you write a similar topic sentence for the first body paragraph as well, Thanh? Then the reader can see the first main point as easily as the second! For more tips, see Developing Powerful Paragraphs.

*Thanh 5901461 has requested that you respond to the Organization: Thanh, the first body paragraph must focus on one main point rather than two.