COR 160
Essential Academic Writing Skills
Individual Assignment 01
(January 2011 Presentation)

Prepared by: *Lee Kuan Liang (Y1114698 )

Focus: Overall Comments

Dear Student,

While you have made a reasonably good effort at writing the Personal Response, you may consider working on improving your Summary.

Some specific remarks discussing the good points and the comparatively weaker areas in your paper are marked below for your consideration.

Additionally, we have noted some areas of text where language and/or grammar issues exist. Some pertinent language errors have been marked in blue font on your paper using the legend shown below. Please go through the paper to identify and correct any other similar errors.

Noun: (n.)
Pronoun: (pro.)
Verb: (vb.)
Preposition: (prep.)
Articles: (art.)
Spelling: (sp.)
Punctuation: (punc.)
Word Choice: (wc.)
Sentence Structure: (ss.)

Reference: COR 160 Essential Academic Writing Skills

Question 1 (Summary)
(It is a good idea to start by giving a clear picture to the readers as to what this summary is all about and where it comes from—i.e., the article and author details. You could also mention here that this article describes the struggles of migrant domestic workers (DWs) in Asia and the Middle East, to set the context correctly.)

In the continent of Asia and (art.: the) Middle East, nearly one quarter of the migrant population is migrant (delete/redundant) domestic workers. During the past three decades, women migrants have been increasing as this is one of the opportunities for them to earn money for their families’ basic needs and to build houses. Special immigration scheme was created to introduce migrant domestic workers. In order to migrant (wc.: migrate), domestic workers would borrow money and even getting loan from agencies which commonly result to their debt burden.(ss./conciseness needed) However, owing to inadequately (inadequate) regulation and monitoring of recruiting agencies, they are likely to be misled and contract was commonly substituted with a poor condition (ss./write different ideas in separate sentences). Due to this situation, they will normally came across unfair and abusive working condition including long working hours, lack of rest days, unsuitable accommodation and the limitation of their freedom. Ultimately, they will still bear the abusive condition to keep their job as termination will mean that they will have to leave the place without seeking redress of abuse. Due to certain factors, domestic workers will always think twice whether to make a report, fearing that they will be send back home without receiving wages and seeking redress. Today (wc.), barrier was imposed either by the agency or employer to restrict their freedom, preventing them to access authorities to dismiss their complaint. With the little monitoring for the abuse at migrant domestic workers’ workplace, it creates a failure to properly control their work facilities egregious abuse even if they have reported to the authorities.(ss./lacks clarity) (250 words)
Though you have attempted to brief the readers about the purpose of the summary here, some more details and better clarity in writing would help you do this better.

[[pic]F1] [[pic]F2] [[pic]F3]

Question 2

Singapore has always showed (vb.: shown) concern in the current situation regarding to (delete) abuse and exploitation of maids. The government has always been preparing and working on the reforms of our policies. For instance, penalties were increase (vb.: increased) by 1.5 times for convicted employers charge (vb.: charged) for abusing of (delete) domestic workers. Endorsement programme was introduced for new employers and employees and new division in Ministry of Manpower was setup to investigate and prosecute cases for the wellbeing of the domestic workers.

However, above reforms were insufficient, as it did not provide any equal employment benefits for the workers. Based on this, domestic workers were excluded from Employment Act and Singapore Workmen’s Compensation Act. Even though, we do have the Employment of Foreign Workers Act and Employment Agencies Act, but this regulation only apply commonly to the work permit regulations and it does not provide the benefits and protection as what was under the Employment Act.

Due to the publicity of the abuse cases of domestic workers, Singapore has come up with a few new initiatives. The new initiative includes the recruitment of educated worker with knowledge about their right (write concisely); hence minimum employment age was increased to twenty three and requires them to have a basic education. Of course, seminar was introduced to workers, however discussion did not touch on their rights and how they could seek the appropriate assistance when required. A new requirement was introduced to employment agencies to keep their records of domestic workers ready for inspection purpose and they should created (vb.: create) sample employment contract.

Despite the initiatives detailed above, I feel that the government ought to implement a few more policies to protect the domestic workers. Singapore should try to amend our government’s Act so that the equality of Singaporean can be spread over to the domestic workers. A standard contract should be used in accordance with the labour standard; we can practice this form of protection for the workers just like what Hong Kong has done with their employment contract to provide the equality and legal rights for the workers, the contract also take (vb.: takes) into consideration of their basic needs. Singapore should enforce and implement policies to employment agency to provide the basic expenses, i.e. transportation fees etc for the domestic workers so that they will not spend years trying to clear off their debts by deducting from their wages. Levies collected by the government can actually (be) used as incentives to minimize the cost of the agencies. (Good point!)

Government officer should inspect and monitor workplace condition on a regular basis. Singapore can instigate a reporting protocol for domestic workers such as interviewing domestic worker that is leaving the country. Alternative(ly), survey can be given to them to report on their work condition during medical checkups.

In conclusion, every country has its choices and steps to (delete) for the migrant domestic workers. Singapore can try to learn the case study from countries like Hong Kong or Philippines to further improve the domestic workers regulations and to increase the human rights in Singapore. (499 words)

Though you have attempted to express your ideas on the prevailing situation in Singapore in respect of the issue being discussed, better clarity in writing and better supported examples would help you make a more convincing case here.

[[pic]F4] [[pic]F5] [[pic]F6]

References

1) Nisha Varia (2005) Maid to Order. Retrieved February 20 2011 from http://www.hrw.org/en/node/11507/section/4

2) Nisha Varia (2005) Maid to Order. Retrieved February 20 2011 from

http://www.hrw.org/en/node/11507/section/8

3) Nisha Varia (2005) Maid to Order. Retrieved February 20 2011 from http://www.hrw.org/en/node/11507/section/11

4) AWID (2008) Migrant Domestic Workers in Singapore. Retrieved February 20 2011 from http://www.awid.org/eng/Issues-and-Analysis/Library/Migrant-Domestic-Workers-in-Singapore

Documentation. Please follow the APA style consistently in the “References” section.

Legend:

|[pic]- Summary - Content |[pic]- Personal Response - Content |
|[pic]- Summary - Organization |[pic]- Personal Response - Organization |
|[pic]- Summary - Language |[pic] - Personal Response - Language |

|Criteria |ID |Focus |Feedback |References |
|[pic] |[F1] |Summary-Content |While you have tried to summarize the points discussed in the |COR 160 Essential Academic |
| | | |article, there are still a few key points that you have missed out |Writing Skills: ch. 5, pp. |
| | | |and/or not covered adequately. Please go through the indicative |92-96, 105-8. |
| | | |list of points given below to check out the points that you have | |
| | | |missed. | |
| | | | | |
| | | |Summary of key information from the article describing the | |
| | | |struggles of migrant domestic workers (DWs) in Asia and the Middle | |
| | | |East. | |
| | | | | |
| | | |Introduction: | |
| | | | | |
| | | |- Hidden in private homes, DW’s work of performing essential | |
| | | |household functions remains unrecognized | |
| | | |- Many govts. have not accorded full recognition/equal legal | |
| | | |protection under labor laws | |
| | | |- Women migrant workers have increased significantly in Asia/ | |
| | | |Middle East –over 100 million | |
| | | | | |
| | | |Struggles of DWs: | |
| | | | | |
| | | |- Exploitative working conditions: long working hrs, lack or rest | |
| | | |days/rest periods, poor living conditions, restriction of | |
| | | |movement/friendships | |
| | | |- Non-payment of salaries and wages below the prevailing minimum | |
| | | |wages | |
| | | |- Recruitment and placement of migrant DWs poorly regulated and | |
| | | |monitored | |
| | | |- DWs borrow money at exorbitant interest rates from their local | |
| | | |moneylenders/ ‘loans’ from agencies which have to be paid back in | |
| | | |the first few months of employment; so, no salary for DWs when they| |
| | | |work | |
| | | |- Immigration status of DWs tied to their employer; gives employer | |
| | | |immense control and can leave DWs forced to stay in an abusive and | |
| | | |unfair condition of work | |
| | | |- DWs isolation in private homes can place them at risk of being | |
| | | |sexually, psychologically, physically abused | |
| | | | | |
| | | |Reasons: | |
| | | | | |
| | | |- Little monitoring for abuse-exclusion, i.e., no inspection of | |
| | | |accommodations/prohibition of inspection by governments (except in | |
| | | |Jordan) | |
| | | |- Recruitment brokers give wrong info about the job; charge the DWs| |
| | | |excessive recruitment fees (especially to Malaysia/ Singapore) | |
| | | |- Employers hold on to passports; employers can have DWs | |
| | | |repatriated at will; provide/withhold consent of transfer and | |
| | | |sometimes obstruct leaving the country | |
| | | |- If DWs leave their job without permission, they lose their legal | |
| | | |status and can be deported | |
| | | |- Restricted movement, language barrier, lack of info, vulnerable | |
| | | |immigration status, all pose barrier to access the police/govt. | |
| | | |authorities | |
| | | |- No reporting mechanism for abuse | |
| | | | | |
| | | |Please include all the important ideas so that the essence of the | |
| | | |article is effectively communicated to the reader. | |
|[pic] |[F2] |Summary- Organization |Points not developed logically and lacks “flow”: While you have |COR 160 Essential Academic |
| | | |summarized some of the points discussed in the article you possibly|Writing Skills: ch. 7, pp. |
| | | |need to develop them logically and with “flow”. Lack of coherence |192-3, 196-7. |
| | | |makes your presentation less effective. In order to communicate | |
| | | |your ideas effectively to the reader, it is important that they are| |
| | | |organized in a logical manner. Your writing must flow smoothly from| |
| | | |one idea to the next such that the reader finds the transition easy| |
| | | |to follow. Focusing on these issues will improve your summary | |
| | | |significantly. | |
|[pic] |[F3] |Summary- Language |Watch your sentences. Some of them are unclear. Shorter sentences|COR 160 Essential Academic |
| | | |and/or proper punctuation would help here. |Writing Skills/ W2E: Guide |
| | | |Watch your choice of words and the structure of the sentences. You |to Better English Writing |
| | | |may like to work on some suggestions regarding logical development | |
| | | |of ideas. | |
|[pic] |[F4] |Personal Response - |You have made a fair effort to discuss how Singapore (Singapore |COR 160 Essential Academic |
| | |Content |government/ the people/ private organizations) can help rectify |Writing Skills: ch. 9, pp. |
| | | |“gaps and weaknesses” in the current situation regarding abuse and |214-29. |
| | | |exploitation of maids in Singapore. | |
| | | |You needed to incorporate some of the points listed below into your| |
| | | |discussion. | |
| | | | | |
| | | |Current initiatives in Singapore to address abuse & exploitation of| |
| | | |maids: | |
| | | | | |
| | | |- Reform of laws & policies | |
| | | |- Education programs for domestic workers (DW) and employers | |
| | | |- New employers and DW must attend orientation (on safety) | |
| | | |- To improve communication, MOM introduced English proficiency | |
| | | |requirement, from 2005 | |
| | | |- To serve as a powerful message to employers and agencies, the | |
| | | |government has prosecuted few people where they assaulted maids or | |
| | | |did not pay their wages | |
| | | | | |
| | | |Current “gaps & weaknesses”: | |
| | | | | |
| | | |- No avenue/govt. law to address excessive working hours, lack of | |
| | | |adequate rest days; exploitative wages | |
| | | |- No laws on agencies charging high initial loans | |
| | | |- No amendments to Employment Act to regulate hours of work, rest | |
| | | |days, salary, etc | |
| | | | | |
| | | |Possible solutions: | |
| | | | | |
| | | |- Govt. to work more closely with private organization, that care | |
| | | |for maid welfare | |
| | | |- Like Hong Kong, DWs should be included in National Labour law | |
| | | |- Involve faith-based initiatives that can intervene and serve to | |
| | | |be the go-between the DW and the agencies/govt., in case of | |
| | | |problems such as abuse or depression | |
|[pic] |[F5] |Personal Response |Your ideas are quite well presented. The thesis gives a good idea |COR 160 Essential Academic |
| | |-Organization |of the organization and content of the answer. All the other points|Writing Skills: ch. 9, pp. |
| | | |and examples go on to support your thesis. Your writing is also |229-38. |
| | | |logically developed and the points are coherently linked. | |
|[pic] |[F6] |Personal Response - |Paper needs to be organized for better clarity and effect—to cover |COR 160 Essential Academic |
| | |Language |all essential aspects needed. Some of the arguments need to be |Writing Skills/ W2E: Guide |
| | | |developed more logically. |to Better English Writing |
| | | | | |
| | | |Also, there are a few areas within the paper that would benefit | |
| | | |from more direct, concise, and clear writing. | |
| | | | | |
| | | |Ensure uniform tense usage, as per the structure of the answer. | |

Score Card:

|SLO |Weightage (%) |Marks/100 |Marks (%) |
|Summary - Content |30 |68 |20.40 |
|Summary - Organization |10 |63 |6.30 |
|Summary - Language |10 |62 |6.20 |
|Personal Response - Content |30 |78 |23.40 |
|Personal Response - Organization |10 |77 |7.70 |
|Personal Response - Language |10 |74 |7.40 |
| | |TOTAL |71.40 |

Total: 71

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BookMark: 3
Focus: Knowledge application....
Feedback: The theory application is on the ri....
References: Assignment Guidelines; Trevino & Ne....

BookMark: 5
Focus: Critical thinking....
Feedback: Considering Pat’s professional inte....
References: Assignment Guidelines; Trevino & Ne....

BookMark: 2
Focus: Critical thinking....
Feedback: Your arguments seem to be incomplet....
References: Assignment Guidelines; Trevino & Ne....