doch Road

It was an unusually dull summer afternoon. Well, late evening. The sun beginning to set and the continuous buzz of the street light becoming more and more apparent by the minute. I was noticing loads of little details about this street that I’ve never noticed before, even though I’ve lived here for most of my life. The best part of seventeen years and only now was I seeing its true beauty. The ripple of the leaves on the trees in the wind, framing the tenement buildings perfectly. The recurring pulse of the broken street light adding even more life to this urban disaster I call home. In this frame of mind I really thought it was going to be a struggle to find anything remotely beautiful in anything. It turns out the only thing I couldn’t see beauty in was life. Me. I’m the broken toy that nobody plays with, the one object that no longer has a purpose. If I was able to find such beauty in a run-down building with a few overgrown trees alongside it then why couldn’t I see that I wasn’t as worthless as I thought? I had an idea in my head and I knew it’d be too late for anybody to change it.

I wobbled my way along the kerb, flailing my arms with every imbalance that my body felt. Although I thought I didn’t care, I obviously did if I didn’t just let myself descend towards the cold harsh reality of the pot-hole reddened road of my street. Something in my head was working overtime, stopping me from doing anything stupid. Trying desperately to keep my arms in full swing, keeping me upright. Trying to let me see myself from a different, better perspective. A perspective that mattered. There was hope. I was seeing the beauty of my surroundings, the good that filled the world was still apparent to me. I looked up and caught the pulsating beam of the street lamp in my eye. The bursts of light matching the frequency of my heartbeat.

I quickly went back to wandering along the street, balancing on the kerb, wondering when this episode was going to end. Seriously hoping that it was only an episode in the first place. The more I thought about it, the quicker my mood deteriorated. If it wasn’t just an episode then why should other people have to put up with it? Why should others need to face me every-day if I’m constantly going to be expressing my self-hatred? I couldn’t help but become increasingly angry. The angrier I got the less mobile my arms became. Suddenly the beautiful pastel coloured sun set had disappeared. The trees framing the buildings stood stiff and lifeless. The continuous buzz of the street lights became muffled and almost silent. It was happening. My once dormant demons stirring inside.

My thoughtless mind never registered the fact that my foot had missed the edge of the kerb and without any hesitations my head came into contact with the concrete. Just before the almighty crash of the contact between my head and the harsh cold ground below me, I caught sight of the broken street light. I watched the last burst of light escape the glass cage the now lifeless bulb was trapped in. There was no life left on this street. My once beautiful thoughts of the place had been shattered into pieces. The pulse had gone. I killed the hope that was Gleddoch Road.

Not registering any pain, I automatically pushed my upper body off of the ground with my very limp, unsteady arms as I sharply inhaled. I couldn’t stand up, it was as if I had lost all movement in my legs. Suddenly nothing was working. Panic ridden, I decided to drag myself into the centre of the road in the hope that it would put me in full view of anybody driving or walking by, my only chance of help. Desperately regretting every choice I had ever made and wanting nothing more than a fresh start. It was too late. My plea to stay alive was as muffled as the buzz of the now dormant street light. My plea to stay alive was the cause of my death. Irony? Karma? If I wanted to go so badly in the first place then why try stop it from happening anyway?

The un-godly roar of an engine brought life back into the death that is Gleddoch Road. The headlights tearing into the blackened air, mimicking the street lights. I wasn’t standing out. I was more concealed in the middle of the road than I would’ve been if I just stayed at the side lying on the kerb. I was belnding in with the dense grey material that my body was soon to be scraped straight off of.

It was the moment that the cars headlights shone directly into my eyes that I was ripped back into the harshness of reality. Sweat pouring off me, pupils dilated and eyes widened. Shaking to the point where it was making me physically sick. I’m done. I’m completely finished with it all.