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Handling Chicks

In: Novels

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A**HOLE'S GUIDE

DAN I N D A N T E AND KARL MARKS

ST.

MARTIN'S GRIFFIN

N EW Y O R K

A**HOLE'S GUIDE

THE COMPLETE A**HOLE's GUIDE TO HANDLING CHICKS. C o p y r i g h t © 2 0 0 3

by Dan Indante and Karl Marks. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. For information, address St. Martin's Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010. www.stmartins.com Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Indante, Dan. The complete a**hole's guide to handling chicks / Dan Indante and Karl Marks. p . cm. ISBN 0-312-31084-6 1. Man-woman relationships. 2. Interpersonal relations. I. Tide: Complete a**hole's guide to handling chicks. II. Marks, Karl. III. Title. HQ801.M37135 307-dc21 2003 2002045213

10

9

8

CONTENTS

Introduction: Chicks, What the Fuck? Fifty Tips on Being a Better Asshole

ix xiii

1. From Birth to Beating Off The Birth of an Asshole The Purest Form of Asshole Gimme My Toy, You Bitch! Crossing the Dance Floor How Do I Get Her? The Beginning of the End Roughing Up the Suspect

1 1 1 2 3 4 6

2. High School Welcome Mat Firsts The Back-Seat Boogie Chicks Are the Enemy Watch Your Back—Your Friends Won't

8 8 9 15 16 20

vi

C O N T E N T S

Pecking Order Your First Pincushion So You're Looking to Get Laid High School Final Examination

22 29 31 32

3. College Welcome Mat Your High School Girlfriend You're Not in Kansas Anymore The Chick Roster—Understanding the Enemy The Male Pecking Order Whither the Chicks? Building Your Rep Dating (i.e., Getting Blackout-Drunk and Having Sex) Buttering Her Biscuit College Final Examination

34 34 35 38 42 51 52 56 63 69 70

4. Ages 21-27 Welcome Mat You're Not in...

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