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Jokes

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Submitted By adexrazzy
Words 3202
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1 Akpos: I want us to be in a relationship. Jumoke: Its okay but under one condition Akpos: Which one? Jumoke: No s*x coz am preserving it for my future hubby. Akpos: Thats okay, I also have my condition jumoke: Which one? Akpos: No using of my money coz am preserving it for my future wife...

2 Which of the following is Nigeria's greatest disappointment? (A) Super Eagles (B) PHCN(NEPA) (C) MTN (D) Nigeria Police Force (E) Our Leaders

3. Okon : I saw a strap of yOur bra Teacher : Okon qet out! No class fOr yOu fOr a week (Another Boy Lauqhs) Teacher : Why did yOu Laugh? Boy : I saw both straps of yOur bra. Teacher : Get out! No class fOr yOu fOr 1 mOnth. (Teacher bends down to pick chalk's Akpos started walking out) Teacher : Akpos, why are yOu gOing out? Akpos : With what I just saw now, I think my schOOl days are Over!

3 What shall it profit a man if he slaps Usain Bolt and runs away??

4. Akpors got a message from his girl friend on his birthday ''Message Reads ''HBD Boo....LLNP, LYSM TTYL'' Akpors provoked and called her phone ''Kate what is the meaning of HBD LLNP and Those rubbish.... Kate replied Haaa Akpors don't tell me you are this dumb.....and local Oh My Gooosh,you don't even know the meaning of HBD and all that Mtchwwwwww . Well, HBD means ''Happy Birthday'',LLNP means ''LongIife Nd prosperity'' LYSM means "Love You so much" and TTYL means "Talk to you later" dumbass. Akpors (angrily ends the call and sent her a text message 2mins later, Message reads,TFY Kate called immediately, Akpors what is the meaning of TFY? Akpors answered Oh u don't even know common TFY After much laugh Akpors replied TFY means: "Thunder fire you.

4 Akpors got a message from his girl friend on his birthday ''Message Reads ''HBD Boo....LLNP, LYSM TTYL'' Akpors provoked and called her phone ''Kate what is the meaning of HBD LLNP and Those rubbish.... Kate replied Haaa Akpors don't tell me you are this dumb.....and local Oh My Gooosh,you don't even know the meaning of HBD and all that Mtchwwwwww . Well, HBD means ''Happy Birthday'',LLNP means ''LongIife Nd prosperity'' LYSM means "Love You so much" and TTYL means "Talk to you later" dumbass. Akpors (angrily ends the call and sent her a text message 2mins later, Message reads,TFY Kate called immediately, Akpors what is the meaning of TFY? Akpors answered Oh u don't even know common TFY After much laugh Akpors replied TFY means: "Thunder fire you.

5 Akpos has been admiring his neighbor's wife. The neighbor's wife always gives him this seductive smile whenever they greet each other. Akpos didn't know how to approach the lady to tell her of his desires because she's married. So,one day the lady herself approached Akpors alone in his apartment. AKPOS: Hi. LADY: Hi. AKPOS: Is everything alright? LADY: Yes. Just need little help from you (Smiling seductively). AKPOS: Wow! Anything for the angel. LADY: I...I...I...just don't know how to say this. I'll be so ashamed of myself if I ask and you say no. AKPOS: Oh my lady. you don't have to. I am ready to do anything for you. LADY: You know, it's been over 3 weeks since my husband travelled... AKPOS: Yes! Yes! Yes! LADY: And even when he's around,he Has some... (pause for a while) he has some disabilities... AKPOS: Oh poor you... You must have been going through hell! LADY: I know you'll be stronger than him... AKPOS: Sure. LADY: Can you help me? AKPOS: Wow! Now? Sure, I'm ready if you are ready. LADY: Oh thanks goodness! that's why I came to you. Can you help me carry our deep freezer from our kitchen to the next street for repairs? Akpos nearly Cried!!!

Akpor enta supermarket to buy hmsef orange juice and sugar. He paid for orange juice and walked out wit d sugar under his arm,unpaid. At d door he was arrested and locked up. During the court hearing,d judge asked hm why paid for the juice only and stole the sugar? Akpor replied" i do not steal. At the back of the juice bottle was wrote SUGAR FREE.

Akpors and his friend Johnny were caught in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer.
They were arrested and taken to the Sheikh's palace for questioning and judgement.
Johnny lied that Akpors smuggled and forced him to drink the beer!!.
Both of them were initially given a death sentence but, as it was a national holiday, the sheikh decided they should be released after some lashes of whips.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the sheikh said, It's my first wife's birthday today and she asked me to allow each of you
2 wishbefore your whipping, but you cannot wish not to be whipped!. Johnny thought for a second then said: Please tie two pillows to my back before whipping.
And my second wish is that, you flog me only 20 strokes of the whip. He was whipped, and luckily for him, the pillows helped to make the pain of the whip lesser.
Akpors saw this; thought for a second, then said: Thank you, most royal and merciful highness for the wishes. My first wish is to receive 100 lashes with the strongest and toughest whip available, If u desire so. The sheikh was amazed with a puzzled look on his face and said what of your second wish.
Akpors replied; tie Johnny to my back. Immediately Johnny faints.

Akpos was walkin in a bush and suddenly saw a lion in front of him. He knelt down, prayin to GOD to deliver him. wen he opened his eyes, he saw the lion kneelin also & prayin,Akpos asked the lion "Are u also a christian?" The lion replied, "Shut up, don't u pray b4 u eat?.
Akpos fainted!!!!

Akpos was coming back from school, singing and dancing, the father asked him and said my son dis one dat u are happy, singing and dancing, I have not seen u in dis mood for a while now, Akpos replied and said papa, u will not be buying new textbooks, notebooks and all the writing materials, the father shouted, thats my son, but wait oo, did u win scholarship or something?
Akpos said noo ooh
I AM REPEATING
THE SAME CLASS AGAIN..

A Lady asked her boyfriend Akpos"
How much do you love me ?
Akpos : I love you so much, can't measure....... Girl : No just tell me....
Akpos : Okay I am like a phone and you are my Sim card, there's no me without you......
Girl : aaaaaawww that is so romantic .......
(Akpos says 2 himself) See mumu !!! I'm a china phone wit 3 sims.. Comment if u are china or nokia phone

Welcome back You all,now its time to Laff Again...Enjoy!

**Akpos,the M P.*
OFFICER:- what is your name?
AKPOS:- M.P sir
OFFICER:- tell me properly!
AKPOS:- Michael Peter sir
OFFICER:- your father's name?
AKPOS:- M.P sir
OFFICER:- what does that mean?
AKPOS:- Moses Peter sir
OFFICER:- your native place?
AKPOS: M.P sir
OFFICER:- is it Makurdi Purum?
AKPOS:- No, Minna Port sir
OFFICER:- what is your qualification?
AKPOS:- M.P sir
OFFICER:- (angry) what is it?!
AKPOS:- Metric Pass
OFFICER:- so why do you need a job?
AKPOS:- M.P sir
OFFICER: meaning?
AKPOS:- Money Problem sir
OFFICER:- what is your personality?
AKPOS:- M.P sir
OFFICER:- would you explain yourself and stop wasting my time?
AKPOS:- Monacrotic Personality
OFFICER:- I see... I will get back to you.
AKPOS:- sir, how's my M.P?
OFFICER:- and what's that again?
AKPOS:- My Performance.
OFFICER:- M.P !
AKPOS:- m.e.a.n.i.n.g?
OFFICER:- Mental Problem!!

Akpors gets married and on his wedding night he calls his father for some tips on whatto do, since he has never been with a woman before. Akpors: so what do i do first?
His father: take her clothes off and lay her on the bed.
5 minutes later akpors on the phone again.
"she is naked and in bed, what do i do now?" his father can't believe what heis hearing. Father: take your damn clothes off and get into bed with her" after another 5 minutes poor akpors is on the phone again.
Akpors: dad i'm naked and in bed with her, what do i do now?.
His dad's patience is now running thin so he says,
"shit son, do i have to spell everything out for you? Just put the hardest thing in your body
Into where she pees, Good night!!!
Just when the old man starts snoring, Akpors is on the phone again. Akpors: ok dad, i have my head in the toilet bowl, what do i do next?
Akpors father: DROWN
YOURSELF YOU BLOODY IDIOT

Last Sunday after Church service
Akpos went to visit a friend of his who lives with his parents at
G.R.A Asaba.
Maid: Welcome, sit down.
Akpos: Thank you. Maid: What would you like to drink? Fruit juice, yoghurt, tea, chocolate, capp or coffee?
Akpos: Tea
Maid: Ceylon tea, india tea, herbal tea, kerichon gold tea, bush tea, green tea?
Akpos: Ceylon tea.
Maid: How do you want it, black or white?
Akpos: White
Maid: Milk or fresh cream?
Akpos:
Milk
Maid: Goat milk or Cow milk?
Akpos: Cow milk
Maid: Freezland Cow or Afrikner
Cow?
Akpos: Freezland Cow. Maid: Will you like it with suga or honey? Akpos: I will like it with sugar.
Maid: Bee sugar or cane sugar?
Akpos: Cane sugar.
Maid: White, brown or yellow?
Akpos: Please, please, just forget about the tea, get me a class of water let me use it to stepdown. Maid: Is it tap, mineral or distilled water? Akpos: Mineral water.
Maid: Is it Flavoured or non flavoured? Akpos: Abeg, abeg, i beg you in the name of God, go bring empty glass for me.
Maid: Tumbler, wine glass, champagne flute or beer mug?
Akpos: Is it by force? i no dey drink again o, i no dey drink again, i go swallow my spit:

if KUKERE were to be nigeria anthem,as a student will you miss assembly???

A professor was traveln by a boat,on der way he asked d sailor,do u knw biology? Ecology? Zoology? Embraceology? n Epidemology? 'No' said d sailor.D prof got angry n said,wat d hell do u knw? U'll die of illiteracy.1hr later,d boat startd sinkn n d sailor looked @ d prof n said do u knw Swiminology and Escapeology 4rm Sharkology? ''No'' said d prof.well dat means Crocodileology will eat ur Headology n u will Dieology wit ur ur Knowledgeologz bcuz of ur Bad Mouthology.

Teacher: What is a Verb?
Akpors: A Verb is a valve found in bicycle tyre.
Teacher: What are you saying?
Akpors: It is a complete sentence sir.
Teacher: Are you mad?
Akpors: It is a question sir.
Teacher: Don't be stupid.
Akpors: It is an advice sir.
Teacher: Stop that nonsense.
Akpors: It is a command sir.
Teacher: You're an idiot.
Akpors: It is an insult sir.
Teacher: Get out of my class.
Akpors: It is an order sir.
Teacher: Oh! Goodness, What a boy!
Akpors: It is an exclamation sir.
Teacher: May God have mercy on you.
Akpors: It is a prayer sir.
Teacher: You need to see a doctor.
Akpors: It is a suggestion sir.
Teacher: I rest my case.
Akpors: It is ur choice sir

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks thesame thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk,"How in the world do you know I am ablonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave

Who is more stupid?
1. The man who waves a newscaster whiles watchin tv,
2. A nurse who wakes up a sleepin patient to give him sleepin pills bcos she 4got to give him de medicine,
3. A man who goes to a bank with a spanner to open an account,
4. A man who puts a radio in a freezer to listen to cool music,
5. A man who lowers de volume of a radio to read a text message,
6. A man who puts perfume on his body to snap a picture...

Dis is jst lyk d story of jesus wen he waz baptize wen God said dis is d one in wish i hav choosen . so it dis country dat dey beliv dat GOD do chooses wife 4 dem so it was tym 4 dis man to com nd let d lord choose 4 him so orda men has been given 5ne gulz bt dos men were nt hand some bt he waz an oshomo so belivin dat he waz goin 2 be given a beautiful wen d voice came d voice waz c d wife wish i hav choosen 4 u wen he looked bak he a 55 year old lady old enough 2 be his morda .

Akpors spat saliva and rubbed on his head.

Teacher: akpors! What stupid thing are you doing? ...Why are you smearing your head with saliva?

Akpors: Madam! I overheard my Mum last night telling my Dad in their Bedroom, that if it is hard and not entering properly, he should apply saliva on the head and it will surely enter!

Because what you are teaching is not entering, I have 2 rub saliva on my head...

LmaO=D

There waz diz kingdom dat has 3 king so dia is a guy dat became born again xtian xo he wen 2 d palace of d 3 kings and said i am free 4rm d 3 kings wen d kings heard dis they we angry so he waz ask 2 b tied on a tree in d palace xo he waz abt to be beheaded they nw asked him wot are d name of d kings u are referin 2 xo he said DRIN(KING),FUC(KING),SMO(KING).

TOUCHING STORY
*A MUST READ STORY BEFORE YOU LOG OUT*
There was a young boy named chawuka, who was an orphan, his parents died longtime ago.
Things started becoming worst for him, his uncle who he was staying with, treated him badly, he used to beat him daily an he stopped his education and made sure he frustrated the life of this poor boy.
Chahuka had the passion of going to school and becominga medical doctor in future, but his uncle denied him of the priviledge of going to school, this situation made Chahuka to weep uncontrollable, especially whenever he remember his late parents.
One day a rich man from his village decided to sponsor the orphans upto their university level, luckily, Chahuka was favoured and among the selected orphans.
Few years later, Chahuka finished his high school, and was enrolled into the university, were he graduated as the best medical student.
NOTE:
Therefore i make a decree upon your life, May God lift you up from grass to grace, from nobody to somebody, from disgrace to grace,may his favour shine upon you in everyday of your life, may he promote you and place you on a higer level, and never put you to shame in Jesus name.
Why not say Amen ??

Chichi:: Akpos paid me to climb d tree mama:: that stupid son of a bitch wanted to see ur panties chichi:: i know now, dats why i removed my pant before climbing the tree

1)Garri No Get Advert, But E Sell Pass Indomie
2)No Matter How Toms sell, E No Go Sell Pass
Slippers
3)If You Never Thief Meat From Pot B4, Then
You Mama No Sabbi Cook
4)A Girl Who Laffs @ Your dry Joke during a first date doesn't have transport money to get back Home
5)The only woman who knows where her man is every Night is a "Widow"
6)Bowen university is the only uni you find people kissing wif there both eyes wild open, so as not to get Caught.....
7)Say Hausa Man Poor, No mean say him NO fit afford to buy Transitor Radio
8)U cant kneel down to greet ur parent but u can Kneel to give ur BF heads, una go explain
4 judgment day o
9)If the Alarm of a China fone cannot wake you up.....Forget it u r "DEAD"
10)To listen to CoolFM, just put ur radio in a
Fridge
11)Its a small world no mean say u go trek from ur house reach malaysia o0.
Pls comment and add urs..

Teacher: our topic today is ''Question tag' e.g she is comin, isn't she?... who can gve me more exmple'
Dakpo: na yam we go chop. Chopn't we?
Teacher: wat a stupid exmple!
Akpors: ma' na mumu he be, but d corect one is 'na yam we go chop. Yamn't we?

A lady with very big BOOBS entered a bus. She has a rosary round her neck with the cross btw her big boobs. Akpos was sitting beside her and couldn't help staring. The lady knowing akpos has been staring for over 15mins then asked "Are you looking at Jesus Christ who died on the cross? Akpos replies : NO! Am actually looking at the two thieves beside him.

there was a girl who was pregnant she has tried to abort d pregnancy bt failed so she later deliver a baby boy instead of d baby 2 cry d baby was laughin so d nurse beat did baby bt he was still laughin so d doctor find out dat he waz holdin somtin so he opened hi s hand and found 3 abortion pills and d baby said no weapon fashioned against me shall prosper

My name is frank edoho 4rm who wants 2 be a millioniare, a friend of urz (MAYOR) IS ON D hot seat nd he need ur help 2 answer d next question which goes for N20m. D voice u wil hear is dat of ur friend! U hv 30secs, ur time starts now...HELLO, if an open hand recieves gift, an open mouth recieves kiss nd an open heart recieves love wat wil open legs recieve?

In a bank some armed robbers enter
ARMED ROBBERS: We are going to kill everyone here in alphabetical order! U, what's ur name?
OCHUKO: Rev.Ochuko.
AKPOS: ZzzAkpors ZzOghene.
Being in the situation, What would be Your Name?

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