Free Essay

Mr Man

In: Novels

Submitted By bwoerte
Words 4101
Pages 17
Animal Jokes
Q: Why did the cat go to Minnesota?
A: To get a mini soda!
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Q: Where do orcas hear music?
A: Orca-stras!
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Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
A: To get to the udder side.
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Q: What do you call a fish without an eye?
A: Fsh!
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Q: What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?
A: Take the words out of his mouth!
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Q: What do you call a cold dog sitting on a bunny?
A: A chili dog on a bun.
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Q: Why do fish live in salt water?
A: Because pepper makes them sneeze!
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Q: Where do mice park their boats?
A: At the hickory dickory dock.
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Q: Where did the sheep go on vacation?
A: The baaaahamas
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Q: What do you call a thieving alligator?
A: A crookodile
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Q: What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?
A: A watch dog.
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Q: What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A: A lawn moo-er.
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Q: What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?
A: Lilly.
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Q: How does a dog stop a video?
A: He presses the paws button.
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Q: Why do cows go to New York?
A: To see the moosicals!
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Q: What do you call lending money to a bison?
A: A buff-a-loan
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Q: What is the snake’s favorite subject?
A: Hiss-story
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Q: What is black ,white and red all over?
A: A sunburnt penguin!
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Q: Why does a dog wag its tail?
A: Because there’s no one else to wag it for him.
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Q: What is a cat’s favorite movie?
A: The sound of Mew-sic!
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Q: How do you make a goldfish old?
A: Take away the g!
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Q: Why did the lamb cross the road?
A: To get to the baaaaarber shop!
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Q: How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
A: Squeaky clean!
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Q: What has four legs and goes “Oom, Oom”?
A: A cow walking backwards!
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Q: Where do you put barking dogs?
A: In a barking lot.
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Q: What do you call a pig that’s been arrested for dangerous driving?
A: A road hog.
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Q: What is a cheetahs favorite food?
A: Fast food!
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A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, “Where were you during the first half?” He replied “Putting on my shoes!”.
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Q: What does a cat say when somebody steps on its tail?
A: Me-ow!
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Q: What do you call a baby bear with no teeth?
A: A gummy bear!
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Q: Why did the dog cross the road twice?
A: He was trying to fetch a boomerang!
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Q: What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?
A: Its shadow!
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Q: What do you call a pig who knows karate?
A: Porkchop!
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Q: Where does an elephant pack his luggage?
A: In his trunk!
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Q: There were 10 cats in a boat and one jumped out. How many were left?
A: None, because they were copycats!
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Q: Which day do fish hate?
A: Fryday!
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Q: What do you call a cow in a tornado?
A: A milkshake!
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Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?
A: Nothing, peanuts don’t talk.
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Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No I deer!
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Q: Why was the cat afraid of a tree?
A: Because of the bark!
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Q: How are elephants and trees alike?
A: They both have trunks!
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Q: What do you call an exploding monkey?
A: A baboom!
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Q: What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?
A: Stuck!
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Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldozer!
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Q. How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?
A. Put him in the front seat.
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Q: What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A: A car only has one horn.
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Q: What did the carrot say to the rabbit?
A: Do you want to grab a bite?
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Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?
A: Time to get a new bed!
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Q: Where does a ten ton elephant sit?
A: Anywhere it wants to!
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Q: What was the first animal in space?
A: The cow that jumped over the moon!
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Q: What do you get when you plant a frog?
A: A cr-oak tree.
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Q: What is the quietest kind of a dog?
A: A hush puppy.
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Q: How is a dog like a telephone?
A: It has a collar I.D.
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Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don’t work.
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There were two cows in a field. The first cow said “moo” and the second cow said “baaaa.” The first cow asked the second cow, “why did you say baaaa?” The second cow said, “I’m learning a foreign language.”
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Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card!
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Q: Why do you bring fish to a party?
A: Because it goes good with chips.
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Q: What would happen if pigs could fly?
A: The price of bacon would go up.
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Q: How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?
A: Take away his shovel!
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Q: What did the frog say when he heard “time flies when you are having fun?”
A: Time is fun when you’re having flies!
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Q: What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
A: It gave a little wine!
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Q: Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?
A: To hide in a bag of M&M’s.
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Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb up a tree and act like a nut!
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Q: Where do fish keep their money?
A: In a river bank!
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn’t have a scent, the deer didn’t have a buck so they put the meal on the duck’s bill.
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Q: What did one cow say to the other?
A: Mooooooove over!
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Q: What kind of cat should you never play games with?
A: A cheetah!
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Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the shell station.
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Q: What is black and white and red all over?
A: A skunk with a rash.
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Q: What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?
A: Five after one.
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Q: What do whales eat?
A: Fish and ships.
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Q: What part of a fish weighs the most?
A: The scales.
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Q: What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?
A: A tyrannosauraus wreck!
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Q: What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?
A: The banana split!
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Q: What’s the difference between a fish and a piano?
A: You can’t tuna fish.
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Q: What do you call a gorilla wearing earmuffs?
A: Anything you like, he can’t hear you.
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Q: Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
A: It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
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Q: How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?
A: With flood lighting.
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Q: What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?
A: With a cowculator.
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Q: What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?
A: An udder failure.
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Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
A: Because the chicken was on vacation.
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Q: What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
A: As far away as possible.
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Q: What did the sardine call the submarine?
A: A can of people.
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Q: What fish only swims at night?
A: A starfish.
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Q: Why did the elephant leave the circus?
A: He was tired of working for peanuts.
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There were two cows in a paddock. One of the cows says, “moo” and the other one says, “That’s what I was going to say.”
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Customer: “Do you have alligator shoes?”
Clerk: “Yes, sir. What size does your alligator wear?”
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Q: What do you get when you cross a roll of wool and a kangaroo?
A: A woolen jumper!
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Q: What did the Cinderella fish wear to the ball?
A: Glass flippers.
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Q: Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
A: Catfish
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Q: What happened when the lion ate the comedian?
A: He felt funny.
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Q: How many skunks does it take to make a big stink?
A: A phew.
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Q: Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?
A: He was a baaaaaaaaad driver.
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Q: How do you keep a skunk from smelling?
A: Plug its nose.
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Q: What has four legs, a trunk, and sunglasses?
A: A mouse on vacation.
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Q: What do you call a 400-pound gorilla?
A: Sir.
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Q: What’s black and white and red all over?
A: A blushing zebra.
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Q: What is a cow’s favorite place?
A: The mooseum.
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Q: What do fish take to stay healthy?
A: Vitamin sea.
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Q: What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?
A: Decalfinated!
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Q: What do you call a mad elephant?
A: An earthquake.
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Q: What is a shark’s favorite sandwich?
A: Peanut butter and jellyfish.
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Q: Where are sharks from?
A: Finland.
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Q: What is King Arthur’s favorite fish?
A: A swordfish
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Q: Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?
A: He made an illegal ewe turn.
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Q: What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?
A: A coat of arms.
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Q: What kind of dog always runs a fever?
A: A hot dog!
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Q: What did the momma buffalo say to her son before he went to school?
A: Bison!
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Q: What has 4 wheels, gives milk, and eats grass.
A: A cow on a skateboard.
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Q: Why don’t bears wear shoes?
A: What’s the use, they’d still have bear feet!
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Q: What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?
A: A shampoodle!
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Q: What does a calf become after it’s 1 year old?
A: 2 years old.
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Cow: “Mooooove over!”
Sheep: “Naaaaaaa.”
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Q: How do you know an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
A: There are footprints in the butter.
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Q: Why does a giraffe have such a long neck?
A: Because his feet stink!
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Q: What’s a dog’s favorite food for breakfast?
A: Pooched eggs.
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Q: What do you give a pig with a rash?
A: Oinkment.
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Q: What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?
A: Use a pen.
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Q: What’s black and white, black and white, black and white and green?
A: Three skunks fighting over a pickle!
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First dog: My master calls me Furball. How about you?
Second Dog: My master calls me Sitboy!
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Q: What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?
A: A computer mouse.
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Q: What do you call a dog with a Rolex?
A: A watch dog.
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Q: What pine has the longest needles?
A: A porcupine.
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Q: What’s worse than a centipede with athlete’s foot?
A: A porcupine with split ends!
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Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: The chicken wasn’t around yet.
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Q: What kind of cars do cats drive?
A: Catillacs!
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Q: What do you call a deer that costs a dollar?
A: A buck.
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Q: What’s a frog’s favorite drink?
A: Croak-a-cola.
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Q: What’s an alligator’s favorite drink?
A: Gator-Ade.
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Q: What do you call snake with no clothes on?
A: Snaked.
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Q: What did the dog say to the flea?
A: Stop bugging me!
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Q: Where do cows go on Saturday night?
A: To the mooooooovies.
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Q: What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?
A: A try and try and try-ceratops!
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Q: What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo?
A: A Broncosaurus or a Tyrannosaurus Tex.
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Q: What has ears like a cat and a tail like a cat, but is not a cat?
A: A kitten.
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Q: Who makes dinosaur clothes?
A: A dino-sewer.
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Q: What did the snail say when he got on the turtle’s shell?
A: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
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Q: Where do sheep get their hair cut?
A: At the baa-baa shop.
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Q: Why can’t hippos ride bicycles?
A: Bike helmets don’t fit hippos!
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Q: What’s a puppy’s favorite kind of pizza?
A: Pupperoni.
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Q: What’s black and white and red all over?
A: A sunburnt zebra.
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Q: What happened when 500 hares got loose on Main Street?
A: The police had to comb the area.
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Q: What do camels use to hide themselves?
A: Camelflauge!
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Q: What do you call a messy hippo?
A: A hippopota-mess!
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Q: What do you call a cow that twitches?
A: Beef jerky
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Q: What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
A: Is that you mommy?
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Q: What is a lion’s favorite state?
A: Maine
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Q: Where do horses live?
A: In the neigh-borhood.
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Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Because they don’t fit on a ironing board!
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Q: What is a cat’s favorite breakfast?
A: Mice krispies
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Q: What is a frog’s favorite year?
A: Leap Year
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Q: What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?
A: A Dogwood!
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Q: What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A: A swordfish!
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Q: What is a horse’s favorite sport?
A: Stable tennis!
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Q: Why do pandas like old movies?
A: Because they are black and white.
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Q: How many sheep do you need to make a sweater?
A: I don’t know. I didn’t think sheep could knit!
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Q: What do you call a bruise on a T-Rex?
A: A dino-sore!
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Q: What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car?
A: Squash!

Q: What do ghosts eat for supper?
A: Spooketi
Q: What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?
A: Hope it’s Halloween!!
Q: What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?
A: Spelling.
Q: Why didn’t the skeleton want to go to school?
A: His heart wasn’t in it.
Q: Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn’t have any guts!
Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A: To get to the body shop.
Q: Why didn’t the skeleton go to the ball?
A: Because he had no BODY to go with.
Q: What did the little girl say when she had to choose between a tricycle and a candy bar?
A: “Trike or Treat”?
Q: What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A: A plumpkin.
Q: What room does a ghost not need?
A: A living room!
Q: Why are ghosts so bad at lying?
A: Because you can see right through them!
Q: Who did Frankenstein take to the dance?
A: His “ghoul” friend!
Q: Why is Superman’s costume so tight?
A: Because he wears a size “S”.
Q: What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
A: Shamboo!
Frankenstein: Witch can you make me a lemonade?
Witch: Poof you are a lemonade!
Q: What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?
A: A sandwich!
Q: What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A: A nectarine!
“Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf.”
“Please be quiet and comb your face.”
Q: What kind of dessert does a ghost like?
A: I scream!
Q: When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?
A: When you’re a mouse.
Q: What do birds say on Halloween?
A: Twick o tweet
Q: What do you get when you cross a Cocker Spaniel, a Poodle and a ghost?
A: A cocker poodle boo.
Q: What do moms dress up as on Halloween?
A: Mummies!
Q: What is a ghost’s favorite fruit?
A: Booberries!
Q: What does a skeleton say before dinner?
A: Bone appetit!
Q: What does a witch use to keep her hair up?
A: Scarespray!
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
Q: What kind of pants do ghosts wear?
A: Boo-Jeans.
Q: Why do ghosts make good cheerleaders?
A: Because they have a lot of spirit.
Q: What did one owl say to the other owl?
A: Happy Owl-ween!
Q: Why is a skeleton so mean?
A: He doesn’t have a heart.
Q: What goes around a haunted house and never stops?
A: A fence.
Q: What did the ghost say to the other ghost?
A: Do you believe in humans?
Q: What do vampires take when they are sick?
A: Coffin drops!
Q: What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?
A: Count Quackula!
Q: What is a ghost’s favorite pie?
A: Booberry pie!
Q: Where do ghosts buy their food?
A: At the ghost-ery store!

Knock Knock Jokes
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my homework?
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Merry.
Merry who?
Merry Christmas!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to let me in?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Anee.
Anee,who?
Anee one you like!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little money for the movies.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was in his apple.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold out here!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home, so I came over!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Adore.
Adore who?
Adore is between us. Open up!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know. I’ve got amnesia.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
King Tut.
King Tut who?
King Tut-key fried chicken!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in it’s cold out here.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good place we can get something to eat?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin the piggy bank again.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!

Q: What has a foot but no legs?
A: A snail
Q: Poor people have it. Rich people need it. If you eat it you die. What is it?
A: Nothing
Q: What comes down but never goes up?
A: Rain
Q: I’m tall when I’m young and I’m short when I’m old. What am I?
A: A candle
Q: Mary’s father has 5 daughters – Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono. What is the fifth daughters name?
A: If you answered Nunu, you are wrong. It’s Mary!
Q: How can a pants pocket be empty and still have something in it?
A: It can have a hole in it.
Q: In a one-story pink house, there was a pink person, a pink cat, a pink fish, a pink computer, a pink chair, a pink table, a pink telephone, a pink shower– everything was pink!
What color were the stairs?
A: There weren’t any stairs, it was a one story house!
Q: A dad and his son were riding their bikes and crashed. Two ambulances came and took them to different hospitals. The man’s son was in the operating room and the doctor said, “I can’t operate on you. You’re my son.”
How is that possible?
A: The doctor is his mom!
Q: What goes up when rain comes down?
A: An umbrella!
Q: What is the longest word in the dictionary?
A: Smiles, because there is a mile between each ‘s’
Q: If I drink, I die. If i eat, I am fine. What am I?
A: A fire!
Q: Throw away the outside and cook the inside, then eat the outside and throw away the inside. What is it?
A: Corn on the cob, because you throw away the husk, cook and eat the kernels, and throw away the cob.
Q: What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
A: Short
Q: What travels around the world but stays in one spot?
A: A stamp!
Q: What occurs once in a minute, twice in a moment and never in one thousand years?
A: The letter M
Q: What has 4 eyes but can’t see?
A: Mississippi
Q: If I have it, I don’t share it. If I share it, I don’t have it. What is it?
A: A Secret.
Q: Take away my first letter, and I still sound the same. Take away my last letter, I still sound the same. Even take away my letter in the middle, I will still sound the same. I am a five letter word. What am I?
A: EMPTY
Q: What has hands but can not clap?
A: A clock
Q: What can you catch but not throw?
A: A cold.
Q: A house has 4 walls. All of the walls are facing south, and a bear is circling the house. What color is the bear?
A: The house is on the north pole, so the bear is white.
Q: What is at the end of a rainbow?
A: The letter W!
Q: What is as light as a feather, but even the world’s strongest man couldn’t hold it for more than a minute?
A: His breath!
Q: What starts with the letter “t”, is filled with “t” and ends in “t”?
A: A teapot!
Q: What is so delicate that saying its name breaks it?
A: Silence.
Q: You walk into a room with a match, a karosene lamp, a candle, and a fireplace. Which do you light first?
A: The match.
Q: A man was driving his truck. His lights were not on. The moon was not out. Up ahead, a woman was crossing the street. How did he see her?
A: It was a bright and sunny day!
Q: What kind of tree can you carry in your hand?
A: A palm!
Q: If an electric train is travelling south, which way is the smoke going?
A: There is no smoke, it’s an electric train!
Q: You draw a line. Without touching it, how do you make the line longer?
A: You draw a shorter line next to it, and it becomes the longer line.
Q: What has one eye but cannot see?
A: A needle
Q: A man leaves home and turns left three times, only to return home facing two men wearing masks. Who are those two men?
A: A Catcher and Umpire.
Q: Which weighs more, a pound of feathers or a pound of bricks?
A: Neither, they both weigh one pound!
Q: How many months have 28 days?
A: All 12 months!
Q: A frog jumped into a pot of cream and started treading. He soon felt something solid under his feet and was able to hop out of the pot. What did the frog feel under his feet?
A: The frog felt butter under his feet, because he churned the cream and made butter.
Q: A horse is on a 24 foot chain and wants an apple that is 26 feet away. How can the horse get to the apple?
A: The chain is not attached to anything.
Q: If a blue house is made out of blue bricks, a yellow house is made out of yellow bricks and a pink house is made out of pink bricks, what is a green house made of?
A: Glass
Q: What goes up a chimney down but can’t come down a chimney up?
A: an umberella
Q: We see it once in a year, twice in a week, and never in a day. What is it?
A: The letter “E”
Q: Mr. Blue lives in the blue house, Mr. Pink lives in the pink house, and Mr. Brown lives in the brown house. Who lives in the white house?
A: The president!
Q: They come out at night without being called, and are lost in the day without being stolen. What are they?
A: Stars!
Q: How do you make the number one disappear?
A: Add the letter G and it’s “GONE”
Q; What goes up but never comes down?
A: Your age!

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