The Rat Trap Waking up in a mental asylum isn’t something you plan for, or even think about, but here I am. I entered Hellingly voluntarily. My doctor, Dr. Lepak, had been telling me to come here for a couple of years before I actually did come here. I think it was the constant crying and self harm, among other things. I came to Hell, as I like to call it now; on March the sixth 1972 and I’ve wanted to leave ever since. I have been an inmate here for seven years, two months, and thirteen days. Hellingly is like a rat trap. It’s easy to get in, but once in, impossible to get out. I came to Hellingly diagnosed with manic depression; this meant that I could hardly sleep. I just lay there thinking, torturing myself, about all the things I have done wrong in my life. This caused me to have episodes. It was like the devil himself took over my body, which caused aggressive behaviour towards inmates and nurses. The thing is, I was never aware of the changes in my behaviour. However, after an episode is over, I am always shocked at what I have done. When I first came, I had a special episode, which made me take a chunk out of a nurse’s forearm. As it was my first, they didn’t know how bad I would be and as they watched I charged for her apparently. This was all told by my neighbour, who thought it was brilliant, the next day. My neighbour, Rudy Thill, is my first and only friend here in Hell. I couldn’t really handle more than one friend. I’m not very good with people, and neither is Rudy. Rudy is well educated he speaks with great knowledge and understanding of the world. He worked as an artist in London before he came here. I wonder most days what he is even doing here, it makes no sense. But I don’t dare ask him. For the past seven years I have awoken from my sleep unhappy, dead inside. I would look in the mirror and see a dishevelled man with no soul inside, a man with any meaning to life. However, on this particular day I awoke with a smile, as it’s my final day in Hell. I have been thinking of this day for months on end. I haven’t told anyone at about my release from Hell, not even Rudy. I couldn’t tell him; he’d try to convince me to stay. It will be sad to leave him behind but it is a sacrifice I have to take. I set my alarm at 2.30pm. That’s the time I decided on my departure from Hell. Just after lunch, a last meal before I leave Hell. After I awoke it was time for breakfast. I had what I have every morning, chopped banana on toast. However, Hell could never replicate the way I liked it, the way my mother made it. When I leave, I will see my mother, and ask her for my toast. I sat next to Rudy at breakfast, as we do every morning. Today we didn’t talk much, mostly because I am trying to hold in my excitement. When we did talk it was about the new man who arrived yesterday; the new addition to the rat trap. I felt quite sorry for him really. Him starting, me finishing. After breakfast it is time to see my doctor, a nice man, treats me well, but doesn’t really understand me at all. I always gave him my respect though, because he always ended the sessions early. He knew I disliked them, he knew I disliked Hellingly, in fact that’s what we mostly talked of, my hatred for the God damn place. I start to pack my bag, it shouldn’t really take that long but I take a moment with every object, thinking about the time we have spent have spent together alone in this desolate red room. I left my alarm and a picture of my mother on the bedside table. The last meal, 1.00pm. We have mashed potato, peas and fish. I decided not to sit by Rudy, it would just end up in tears, or me blurting out that I am leaving. Rudy doesn’t get upset when I leave him alone. I usually do this one meal time a day, just because I need to be alone sometimes. The hour had come I lay there in my bed staring at the ceiling, waiting for the alarm. I think about the time I have spent here. This reassures me that my decision is correct. I hear the alarm. I bite my tongue.
Ethan Murphy
785 words