Days of unemployment
8:32 a.m. – Wake to the sound of pigeons cooing outside my window. Wish I hadn’t sold my shotgun.
8:55 a.m. – Wake again to the sound of motel maid vacuuming the room next door. Still wish I hadn’t sold my shotgun. Ponder the fact that they actually do clean these rooms. Who knew?
9:04 a.m. – Think about getting up and starting my day.
9:17 a.m. – Still thinking about starting my day. Dread washes over me as I realize that I promised Candy I’d go to a dinner party with her this evening.
9:18 a.m. – Turn on TV. Become engrossed in episode of Judge Mathis.
10:12 a.m. – Decide I must get up. Strip off tee shirt and panties and throw them on the floor.
10:13 a.m. – Change television channel. Become engrossed in episode of Tony Danza while au natural.
10:24 a.m. – Motel maid bursts through door without knocking catching me in all my glory. She apologizes profusely in Spanish and exits.
10:25 a.m. – Decide to get in shower. Scream as cold water hits me. Water warms up. Ahhhhhhh, Heaven.
10:48 a.m. – Get dressed and head to café around the corner for coffee and a sweet roll.
11:56 a.m. – Back at motel. Sit down and turn TV back on. Oooo, “Hunter” is on.
12:01 p.m. - Get on computer to look for job. Sign up for “My Space” instead.
4:23 p.m. – Wake up to sound of cell phone playing theme from The Flintstones. Candy is calling to confirm plans for the evening.
4:26 p.m. – Cocktail hour!
4:26 ½ p.m. - Realize, as I try to shake the cobwebs from my brain, that I haven’t consumed anything except 3 cups of coffee and a cinnamon roll earlier this morning. Perhaps I should wait until later to have that Gin & Tonic.
4:28 p.m. - It is technically later. Pour Gin & Tonic into a somewhat clean coffee mug. Then pour Gin & Tonic into me. Ahhhhhh, Heaven.
4:31 p.m. – First Gin & Tonic was so good assume a second one would be even better.
4:32 p.m. – Assumption is correct.
6:16 p.m. – Oh shit! I’m late. Finish 4th Gin & Tonic. Squeeze into denim mini skirt and tank top. Check self out in mirror and decide dumb boy was an idiot to throw all of this away.
6:41 p.m. – Run out the door and down the street to restaurant to meet Candy and her friends. Twist ankle along the way. Damn heels.
6:53 p.m. – Limp into restaurant. Take seat at table. Wonder when wine will arrive.
7:11 p.m. – Drink wine.
7:25 p.m. – Drink wine.
7:34 p.m. – Stare at empty place on table where plate should be. Try willing food to appear using only the power of my mind. Does not work.
7:44 p.m. – Screw wine. Order Gin & Tonic.
7:52 p.m. – Hey lookie there, appetizers appears. Where the hell is the Gin & Tonic?
7:54 p.m. – Gin & Tonic appears.
7:55 p.m. – Gin & Tonic disappears.
8:13 p.m. – Dinner companions discuss children. Try to look interested as pictures of demon spawn are passed around the table.
9:03 p.m. – Candy excuses the two of us from group. Tells a wonderful tale of previous plans and people waiting. Want to kiss Candy right then and there.
9:18 p.m. – Hail cab.
9:29 p.m. – Arrive at snotty, yuppie club in LoDo.
9:33 p.m. – Allow man with bad comb over to buy round of tequila shots for us.
9:49 p.m. – First round was so good assume second round would be even better.
9:52 p.m. – Assumption is wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong.
9:55 p.m. – Head outside for some fresh air. Bad comb over guy follows.
9:56 p.m. – Tell Bad comb over guy I need a moment alone. Bad comb over guy leans in for a kiss.
9:57 p.m. – Puke on Bad comb over guy’s shoes. Giggle to myself.
9:58 p.m. – Bad comb over guy leaves in a huff.
9:59 p.m. – Sit on sidewalk willing Candy to come outside using only the power of my mind.
10:14 p.m. – Candy stumbles out of club while being escorted by bouncer. Wonder what she did but too drunk to really care.
10:40 p.m. – Hail cab.
10:52 p.m. – Arrive at motel. Fumble trying to get key in door. Candy tells some guy on the street to fuck off. Wonder what guy on street did to get yelled at.
10:53 p.m. – Still trying to get the key in the door.
10:54 p.m. – Candy and I fall onto the bed and pass out.
9:46 a.m. – Wake to sound of cell phone playing theme from The Flintstones. Wish I hadn’t sold my shotgun.