The Case for Polyamory

In this essay, I am going to argue that it is possible for a legitimate romantic relationship to include more than two adults as long as everyone is freely participating and is fully aware of the circumstances involved. While monogamy still represents the ideal form of romantic relationships for many people, some would argue that it is simply not a realistic practice and not the only relationship choice that can work. Polyamory is the practice of having more than one romantic relationship at the same time. This is accomplished by everyone’s full knowledge and consent. Polyamorists place so much emphasis on having an honest, responsible and open communication in their relationships that they are able to overcome issues of jealousy. And lastly, by the acceptance and consent of all the parties involve, a person is able to have an extended support network that they can connect with on both the emotional and physical level. These premises are how I am going to argue my case for polyamorous relationships.
What is polyamory? Polyamory is the practice of having a romantic relationship to include more than two consenting adults. I point out “consenting” as an important piece of the definition because a central principle of polyamory is garnering your partner’s consent to date, have sexual relations with or even fall in love with multiple people. The notion of consent to me is significant in that I think it is a necessary condition in order for this type of relationship to work. It means all the individuals involve have the knowledge, are able to articulate what they want out of the relationship; they are freely participating in the relationship and understand the consequences of this type of arrangement. Consent helps clarify responsibilities and shows respect for people in relationships. Moreover, that the decision to be involved in this type of relationship is without coercion or force and most importantly of their own free choosing. Polyamory is a relationship choice - something that needs to be taken responsibly and with honesty. Polyamorists emphasizes transparency and emotional commitment to all romantic and sexual partners.
While many think of polyamory and swinging as synonymous terms, they are not the same. I am not trying to argue that one is much more morally acceptable than the other, just that the terms are often synonymous because of their association of sex with multiple partners. Swinging permits your partner to engage in sexual relations outside of a committed relationship while polyamory certainly have sexual relations with multiple partners, they usually have emotional relationships with them as well. According to Hall and McCullough, “sex is not the enemy, that the enemy is the deceit and betrayal of trust...polyamorists say that sex is a positive force if applied with honesty, responsibility and trust.” Polyamorists recognize their enjoyment of sex and the pleasure of intimacy with others. Rather than cheating, they choose to engage and accept sex in an ethical and open way. Sex though is such an important part of any relationship that goes above and beyond mere procreation. It is important for physical reasons as well as emotional reasons. As I’ve pointed out, sex is not necessarily the primary focus in polyamorous relationships – only one aspect of their relationships, just like sex in monogamous relationships. Most polyamorists actually think of their relationships as responsible non-monogamy.
How do polyamorists make their relationship work since it is hard enough sometimes to be involved with just one other person? In Easton and Hardy’s book “The Ethical Slut”, they explain the following:
Couples new to non-monogamy tend to spend a lot of energy defining their boundaries. They usually focus more at first on what they don’t want their partner to do – the activities that make them feel, for some reason, unsafe or downright terrified – than on their actual desires...
However, as couples become more sophisticated at operating the boundaries of their relationship, they tend to focus more on what they would enjoy, and then strategize about how they can make it safe. (51)
The Ethical Slut examines the possibility of being able to have a life with multiple concurrent sexual relationships fairly and honestly. Polyamory involves a lot of talking. Communication problem is a major reason why relationships do not work. Since relationships are a connection and an exchange; communication plays a key role in the exchange. Communication is important and is required so much more to this lifestyle because it operates on such a complex system of rules, boundaries and dynamics. Honesty and open communication are truly essential to making this type of relationship work and assists in overcoming obstacles.
A difficult concept to grasp even for me when exploring the subject of polyamory is the issue of jealousy. Jealousy is the fear of losing the one you love. I think the idea of sharing our loved one with anyone else is simply too difficult to understand. Our expectation is when a person is in love with someone whom they are romantically involved with, it means they are morally obligated to not fall in love or become involved with anyone else; putting restrictions and conditions on their relationship. Polyamorists believe however that the love you have for a person does not diminish or detract from the love they have for another. Essentially, polyamorists believe that love is infinite and should be unconditional. With that, I do think that jealousy is something that people are capable of overcoming. A way to confront the issue of jealousy is by talking about things that make someone feel comfortable or uncomfortable, perhaps seeking professional help or advise from friends. I am not going to argue that polyamorists do not ever feel jealous but the idea they have regarding jealousy is that is something that should be explored and resolved within each individual. Lying and deception fuels jealousy but trust, honesty and open communication assists in dealing with it.
Most people cannot grasp the idea that it is ok to have multiple partners because it is defying social norms. We see monogamy as traditional and the only way to have relationships. In fact, most governmental and legal systems around the world are only setup to recognize rights of a married man and woman heading a family. And another obvious objection to having multiple partners is deeply rooted in our religious beliefs. The stigma surrounding this type of lifestyle and relationship keeps many people who practice it quiet which make it difficult to estimate the population. While it seems unlikely that the practice will become widespread and open, it does not mean that it cannot work. Looking at the high number of divorce rates tells me that monogamy is not necessarily the answer for lasting, committed loving relationships either. There is not enough sufficient research to show what type of relationship is fitting for humans. We often forget that what makes us inherently human is that we are all unique in our ways which means that not one type of relationship would be fitting for everyone.
People have many needs, wants, likes, desires and what makes us individuals is that those are not all the same for everyone. We are unique. These fundamentals are essentially what makes relationships work or not. Sometimes people who like the same things are perfect for each other and there is that other sentiment that “opposites attract”. What makes polyamorous relationship work is they create a network for themselves. In Elliston’s essay on “In Defense of Promiscuity”, he explores the benefits of sexual freedom and experiences with different partners. In defending promiscuity, he states that “Commitments are chains that bind us to some and exclude us from others ... To elicit many facets of the human personality requires a dynamic network of social interaction.” (155) In reading this, I think that this network is built by connecting and fulfilling each others needs in different ways; physically and emotionally. One partner might be able to fill all your emotional needs and the other may be able to fulfill your physical needs. This allows for different kinds of intimacy and support. There is no promise of sexual or relational exclusivity in polyamorous relationships. Essentially, polyamorists embrace the idea that one person may not be able to meet every need of their partner. There is not that pressure or obligation to be everything to their partner. This allows the freedom of choice – when people have this, they become less bored or complacent in their relationships. Perhaps it is even a way to get to know yourself better by exploring what works and what doesn’t for you. The relationship you have with yourself is important. I like to think that any relationship, romantic or otherwise begins by knowing what you want and need. I know it does not seem too romantic to be with someone based on your relationship needs but it is also unromantic and wrong to simply settle with someone who does not understand, respect and align with what you truly need and want. I think the freedom and choice that polyamorists have in their relationship dynamics only help to strengthen it and make it work.
Is it possible for a legitimate romantic relationship to work even if it includes more than two adults? Yes, I believe so. If we look at different types relationships, there is not one way that works for everyone. Polyamory does not work for everyone, just like monogamy does not work for everyone. No one should tell a person what type of relationship style they should pursue. We see monogamy as traditional and the “natural” type of relationship and sure there are risks associated with defying social norms. However, I think that as long as everyone is fully aware of the circumstances involved through the notion of consent, it can work. If the emphasis is placed on having an honest, trusting and open communication with all the parties involved, it can work. If believing that it is only realistic to have an extended network of people to connect on both the emotional and physical level then it can definitely work. In conclusion, it is possible for romantic relationships to form from polyamory; it can work.

Works Cited
Easton, Dossie, and Janet W. Hardy. The Ethical Slut. 2nd ed. Random House Digital,
Inc., 2011. Google Books. Web. 10 April 2013.
Elliston, Frederick. “In Defense of Promiscuity.” Philosophical Perspective on Sex &
Love. Ed. Robert M. Stewart. New York: Oxford University Press, Inc., 1995. 146-156. Print.
Hall, David and Derek McCullough. “Polyamory – What it is and what it isn’t.” Electronic
Journal of Human Sexuality. 27, Feb. 2003. Web. March 2013. <www.ejhs.org>.