Setting & Situation

It was a typical day, I was picking up my six year old, Xavier, from school and like always, I asked him how his day went and what color did he earn for the day. He is in kindergarten and they are ranked for their behavior of the day using a color system. When he comes home with pink, it means he had a great day, green means a good day, yellow means a day in which they struggled to follow orders or behave, and red meaning they were sent to the principals office. My son immediately replied that he earned green, I congratulated him and that was that for that particular conversation. The conversation was later picked up at home after dinner when he was doing his homework. The setting of this conversation took place at our kitchen table when I was looking over my son’s folder so that I could initial it on the square that has the graded color for the day. His teacher requires the parents to initial the folder everyday, that way she knows that we are actually looking at our kid’s folders. The first thing I noticed when I opened my son’s folder was that the color green was marked in pretty dark for that day, it seemed as if he put a lot of pressure on the green marker. Next to his color there was a note from the teacher that read, “Xavier had a rough day at school today because he cut Rosaura’s hair with a pair of scissors.”
I immediately turned to my son and asked him if he had cut a classmates hair with scissors. The expression on his face changed from a smile to a frown before I even finished my question. He knew that he did something wrong before he even came home that day. The goal of the upcoming conversation was not to make him feel guilty for what he did to his classmate but to make him understand that it is not okay to lie to your parents, the truth always comes to light.

Analysis of Communication Skills
Process Recording My Non-Verbal Behavior | My Verbal Comments | My Son’s Non-Verbal Behavior | My Son’s Verbal Behavior | Identification of Responses/ Techniques Used | Interpretation/ Evaluation | I am sitting at the kitchen table with a disapproving/ shocked look on my face thinking to myself, “I cannot believe he tried covering this up!” | “Did you cut Rosaura’s hair today and tried to lie to me about it?” | He immediately stops what he was doing, his facial expression is tense and tears start forming in his eyes. | “Yes.” | T: Open-ended question, seeking a truthful response. NT: Demanding | Effective: He knows that I have learned of his actions. Ineffective: My emotions were showing through, this question would have been therapeutic alone if I had kept my emotions in check, he would not have been so frighten too. | I make eye contact with my son and anger is beginning to show on my face. | “Why did you cut her hair you know you’re not suppose to do things like that?” | Tears are now rolling down his face but he is able to maintain eye contact with me. | “Because I thought it was gonna be funny.” | NT: He is afraid of my response to what he did.T: Sharing, providing information. | Ineffective: Question was meant to be rhetorical, but Effective because his reply helped me calm down and learn that this was not done with ill intentions. | I lean back in disbelieve and my face is showing shock again. | I was trying hard to hide the smile on my face, “You thought it was gonna be funny?” | His face relaxes a little and there is a slight smirk in the corners of his mouth. | “I thought my friends were gonna laugh.” | NT: Asking for an explanation.T: Sharing humor and paraphrasing | Ineffective: By asking him this, he felt as though he was no longer in trouble. In this case, this question should have been omitted. Effective: My nonverbal communication allowed him to relax a little. | My eyes widen as I’m thinking “WHAT?” but I immediately change my facial expression to anger again. | “OK, but why did you cover the yellow mark and change it to green?” | Again, there is tension in his face, he looks down at the table, and he is clearly looking for the right response. | “I didn’t wanna get in trouble.” | T: Focused, asking relevant question. | Effective: He has realized that he is not off the hook. | There is a slight tilt in my head to the left side and the anger on my face begins to subside. | “You know this was wrong right? You are not supposed to play with scissors and cut peoples hair?” | He makes eye contact with me again and tears begin to roll down his face again. | “I know I just wanted to make my friends laugh.” | T: Focusing | Effective: Letting him know that his actions, both cutting his classmates hair and trying to cover it up, are unacceptable. | I am now beginning to feel sympathy for my son. | “Please don’t do that again papi.” | Wipes the tears from his eyes. He is beginning to relax again. | “Ok.” | T: Empathy | Effective: He understands that I do not approve of his actions. | I remind myself of what he did and my face is now tense again; I lean in towards him, and use my index finger to point at him. | “You are going to write sentences, one page for cutting Rosaura’s hair AND you are not using your Kindle for a whole week because you lied to me!” | Disbelieve, sadness, and frustration all flash, for brief moments, on his face. | “But mami, I promise I wont do it again, I hate sentences.” | NT: Disapproval | Ineffective: By issuing out a punishment he has become defensive and begins to plea and whine. | Satisfaction emerges on my face, victory. | “And if you ever lie to me again I will return the Kindle back to your Tia so that she can take it back to the store.” | He shakes his head in disagreement. | “But my Kindle, Tia gave it to me for Christmas!” | NT: Disapproval. Defensive. | Ineffective: I knew he was upset about not being able to use his Kindle, I could of simple stated that I would not be so tolerant next time. | There is a stern look on my face now, almost angry. I am not going to argue with him. | “I don’t care, I told you and your Tia that the only reason I was allowing her to give you a Kindle was for educational purposes, I can take it away from you if you lie to me again!” | He is looking at me with a sad look, his eyes plea for mercy. He is now sobbing. | “I won’t, I promise mami, don’t give the Kindle back to my Tia.” | T: FocusingNT: Arguing, aggressive response. | Effective: He understands my reason for taking away his Kindle. Ineffective: “I don’t care” should have been left out; I do not want to make him feel inferior to me. | I begin to relax; my point has clearly gotten across to him. | “There won’t be a next time Xavier, and I want you to say sorry to Rosaura tomorrow.” | He places his hands on his cheeks and nods in agreement. | “Ok.” | T: Confrontation. | Effective: Assertive, both issues have been addressed and he knows that actions have consequences and the truth always prevails. | I leave the table to fetch some pen and paper so he can begin writing his sentences. | “You will write, ‘I will not cut Rosaura’s or anyone else’s hair anymore’, do the whole page.” | He sighs and takes the pencil from my hand. | | T: Observation Silence and Compliance | Effective: Arguing has ceased and he accepting punishment for his actions. | I am now relieved. | “When you are finished show me your paper and if I like it you can go and take a shower so that you can go to bed early.” | He nods in understanding. | “Ok.” | T: Providing Information | Effective: Letting him know what is expected of him next. | I lean in, take his chin in my hand, and raise it so that we are making eye contact. | “Mommy doesn’t like babies that lie, so please don’t lie to me again, ok? I love you papa.” | His lips begin to quiver as he pulls his face away from my hand. | “Ok, I promise I wont mami, I love you too.” | T: Use of touch, sharing feelings and summarizing. | Effective: Letting him know that I love him no matter what. |

Conclusion/Summary In conclusion, my son understood that neither one of his actions were acceptable. He has not lied to me about his behavior at school any more, regardless of how severe it might be, and he has not decided to restyle any of his classmate’s hair. I think that when I first asked him if he had cut someone’s hair at school he feared my reaction to his actions more than anything. As the conversation carried on, he relaxed and listened to my reasoning and understood why I was so upset at him for lying to me. I think that if he had not lied to me and attempted to cover up his yellow mark his punishment would not have been to write sentences for it. If anything, his actions, based on his reasoning, would have warranted a warning and a conversation somewhere along the line of, “I know you want to fit in and make your friends laugh but…”

Self Evaluation At first, I was shocked at what my son had done, not him cutting someone’s hair, but at him attempting to hide the truth and flat out lying to me about it. This shocked definitely displayed on my face and my voice, had I kept my emotions in check, the conversation would have started with therapeutic technique only. My initial non-therapeutic technique frightened my son and he immediately began to cry making him afraid to respond at first. Thankfully, as I regained control of my emotions, the use of positive therapeutic technique was able to aid in resolving the situation and helping my son understand why what he did was wrong. During the conversation I felt that at times that I was being too harsh. For example, “Mommy doesn’t like babies that lie…” really seemed to have hurt my son but it is the only way I knew he would really understand that it is not ok to lie; the therapeutic technique used here accomplished that goal. Through out the conversation my emotions were high, I remember feeling shock more than any other emotion, and his answers and reactions were not what I was expecting more than half of the time. Thankfully, this allowed me to rethink my words and use more positive therapeutic techniques instead of being all non-therapeutic. The ability to communicate effectively with my son is a satisfying one and the frequent use of therapeutic technique definitely aids in the communication process. For future conversations, especially when emotions are involved before communication even begins, it will be a good idea to take a step back, breathe, and actually think of what is going to be said instead of jumping into the conversation immediately. Using this technique will ensure that the communication process is a positive one that is not filled with non-therapeutic techniques. This is something my family and I will greatly benefit from, not only personally but professionally as well.