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Self Discovery

In: English and Literature

Submitted By staylor13
Words 421
Pages 2
I have long since forgotten how to maintain by myself. As long as I could remember I have constantly chosen to not be alone because that in itself is the most frightening thing to me. That is so only because I learned early on that I am my own worse nightmare. I create hells within my head constantly and these hells usually corrupt and disrupt anytime I have within solitude.

The older I get the more apparent it becomes that I must fight my fears and conquer myself because I know I will eventually be alone. And I swear I’ve been working hard towards it, but no day alone is ever a day that I feel comfort. Actually the former statement is false; a day alone is comforting but it is also painful, and wretched. I struggle for a stability that I have never had or will ever have.

I like to believe that I am a controlled psychopath sometimes because my thoughts are so deranged, and obscene. Nonetheless I also believe that all my intentions are pure. I often escape to my imagination when the world is heavy; this is my vice but also like many drugs my imagination can cause horrific and sadistic thoughts, ideas, and scenarios.

And today I was thinking to myself “like shit for all I do for people, why is it that I seldom come across people that genuinely just want to do nice things for me out of just love.” I once thought I had that with my ex girl but she is consumed, and enjoys her consumption of herself; I wish I had a luxury; better yet I wish I just had more moments of such.

But even in my darkest times I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but the distance is as foggy as my reflection in a steamed mirror. Like I know its there, but I often struggle for definition, and clarity.

I am such a dark individual, and maybe that is why I strive to do things for people in hopes that they too won’t feel this void that I do; this everlasting,…...

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