The relational dialectics perspective is useful for understanding the ups and downs and sometimes illogical nature of interpersonal relationships. Developed by communication scholars Leslie Baxter, Barbara Montgomery and their colleagues, the dialectical perspective assumes that relationships keep changing. They are not maintained, but rather sustained through changing statuses. There are three sets of tensions that are common in relationships: integration-separation; stability-change; and expression-privacy.

The first dialectic identified is integration – separation, more commonly known as autonomy versus connection. This is the tension in a relationship where either partner desires to be independent but also connected. The desire for different levels of autonomy and connection can generate friction in relationships. In the initial phase of the relationship we are like actors in a play trying to please the audience. But we cannot repress who we are for too long. Eventually we have to let our true selves show. An example of this is when a couple is in the beginning stages of the relationship, they are spending all of their time together and all is going fine. As time goes along either partner wants to start doing things independently. He/she wants to hang out with friends and have “alone time”. This can create tension in the relationship because the partner might not want to be left out. It is very common for the relationship to become strained at this point. It is a contrast from spending great amounts of time together; and either partner can feel betrayed. A solution for this would be for the couple to have an open discussion about the amount of time that they are willing and/or able to devote to each other on a daily basis. In a bonded relationship, both partners must be direct and honest about their expectations and needs. Other examples might be one partner likes to watch football all the time and can be consumed in it and the other hates sports. There needs to be a compromise made so that both partners get equal time at doing what they like to do while enjoying time with each other. Or, one relational partner is a social butterfly and the other is a social hermit. The point is that we do tend to get together with partners who will test our patience and force us to grow through finding ways to co-exist and resolving problems.

The second dialectic identified is stability – change, more commonly known as predictability versus novelty. This refers to the tension in a relationship where either party of the relationship wants the stability of a relationship but at the same time wants to be able to enjoy spontaneity. The tension of predictability versus novelty can present itself in a couple of ways. First, many couples struggle to balance the tension between their need for stability and their desire for excitement. Getting tired of doing the “same old thing” is always going to be an issue in any relationship. Individuals that are involved in a developing relationship become comfortable with knowing what is going to happen next. However, always knowing what is going to happen next can become extremely boring. What can we do to spice up a relationship? We could easily change the routine a little bit. Do something that you don’t normally do together. If you normally don’t go out on dates – then go out on a date. If you normally don’t buy each other gifts – then buy a small gift every once in a while. If you normally don’t vacation – take a vacation together. Now, let us look at the relationship that is always unpredictable. These relationships are just as likely to be in trouble as the predictable ones. As a couple you also need to have stability in your life. What if you never knew where your relationship was headed? Being able to predict the status of your relationship is a good thing. Whichever relationship you have, working towards a healthy balance between predictability and novelty will help to maintain a healthy relationship. Second, in a new relationship, a relational partner will tend to overlook little nuances in the other partner. They will focus on the positive points about each other and look past the behaviors that they don’t like about each other. After time, we have difficulty accepting our partner’s flaws and will try to change them. Think about it this way – Am I acceptable the way I am? For every one thing that we would like to change about our partner, they equally have something that they would like to change about us. We need to learn that we cannot change people. But what we can change is our viewpoint. By changing our viewpoints, we can transform the way we see relationships.

The third dialectic identified is expression – privacy, more commonly known as openness versus closedness. This refers to the tensions in a relationship where one party wants to be completely open and share everything with their partner while on the other hand the other partner feels that they should be able to keep some things private and to their selves.
If two people in a relationship are different on this count, they will need to work hard and be proactive to manage this tension or this can become a deal breaker. The primary reason that two people in a relationship can’t get along is because of the past. As couples we need to learn to leave the past in the past and move forward into the present. Stay in the present; don’t start a new relationship dragging relational baggage into the new situation. Some people feel that they need to open up to their partner about every aspect of their lives. This is how they signify trust and become one entity; the couple. Others can feel that if they open up too much or reveal too much they may be judged or abandoned. This type of person feels that each person has a right to a certain degree of privacy, therefore, retaining some of his or her individuality. The goal here is to attain some sort of balance and avoid disagreements. These needs should be addressed in a normal tone of voice, without being demeaning or accusatory.

In closing, what have we learned? We have learned that these three relational dialectics are simply put, communication. Poor communication is often the root of relationship problems. Neither partner can read the other partner’s mind, so without communication there is no hope for a harmonious relationship. Without communicating, you cannot make fair and balanced agreements about what does and does not work for both of you.

Works Cited
Beebe, Steven A., Susan J. Beebe and Diana K. Ivy. Communication Principles For A Lifetime. Boston: Allyn & Bacon, 2010.
Jennie. Jen's Love Lessons. 2011. 05 March 2012 <www.jenslovelessons.com>.
Sutphen, Dick and Carol Morgan. Radical Relationship Resource. n.d. 03 March 2012 <http://www.radical-relationship-resource.com/index.php>.