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Coming to Terms

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Submitted By iluvshuuz
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Pages 4
Mom,
There are so many thoughts that swirl around in my head when it comes to our “relationship”. There are so many things that I would like to be able to say to you, but I know that we don’t have that open line of communication that it would take.
I have always longed for your love and affection- it’s what every child craves from their parents. And I don’t know why I expected it more from you than from dad. I guess it’s because he never fooled me into thinking that he cared about me- I knew early on that he didn’t care. He never told me he loved me, that he gave a shit. You did though, and I believed you.
A part of me feels like an idiot because I believed you. And what I REALLY struggle with is whether you do. Let me explain… you have told me that you love me (the times that we have spoken), but your actions don’t back it up. You never call me, we never hang out. Truth of the matter is, I don’t know anything about you and you don’t know anything about me.
I love you because you are my mother, but your absence from my life leaves a huge whole in my life. And for some twisted reason, I still long for that feeling of being loved by my mother. I mean, who doesn’t want to be loved by their parents?! And because I don’t have it, I feel bad about myself. Still. Even after all these years. And that’s why I feel like an idiot- any smart person would have given up long ago and resigned to the fact that they are getting what they want and/or need. (Definition of insanity- doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.)
And that feeling is on me. I have to come to terms with the fact that our “relationship” isn’t what I need in terms of parental nurturing. Never has been, and I don’t know if it ever will be.
A part of me believes that you did the best you could, and you were the parent you knew how to be. I never asked you for what I needed from you in terms of loving me and giving me attention- I just thought that’s what parents were supposed to do.
Make big deals about certain aspects of a child’s life. Coming to sporting games, graduations, school events- and I realize that these things are in the past, and nothing can be done about them now. But these are the things that I have held on to and made me believe that you didn’t care. But in all honesty, it still happens today. There’s an absence that is still prevalent and shows no sign of being filled.
I’m letting you know that I’m letting go of it. I’m letting go of the feeling of having to be loved by you- I can’t keep holding on to it and not telling you because it obviously has no effect on you, and it’s damaging me. Or if it does affect you, I would have no idea because we don’t talk. And I’m letting go of the anger. Man, has there been A LOT of anger. The funny thing about the way I feel anger though, is that I start feeling angry, and then my anger turns into sadness, and that sadness turns into feeling bad about myself- I can’t keep feeling bad about myself. It’s killing me!
I have no idea how you feel about me. I would hope that you do love me in your own way. It’s just not the way that I need it to be.
In order for me to be healthy, I need to start asking for things that I need and want- I have to start believing that I deserve to be loved. Not because I do spectacular things, or achieve great things, but just because. Everyone deserves to be and feel loved. I have to come to the realization that that feeling may never come from you. I hope one day that it will. I have waited so long for it. But I have to stop waiting and move forward.
And I also realize that I obviously am not fulfilling the same need for you. I suppose if I were, you would want to be in my life. There is something lacking for both of us, and because it’s not being talked about, it’s not getting resolved.
Perhaps we both gave up caring, perhaps we both felt wronged in some way and didn’t think it was worth the effort to fix it, perhaps we are ill-prepared to do so. God knows I have issues that I have NO IDEA how to even begin to fix- I get exhausted just thinking about what it would take to fix everything that is wrong with me!
Regardless, everything that has led up until here has shaped me into the person I am, and I know that I am not an incredibly horrible person. I do have some redeemable qualities and I realize that what you have done to me and for me has some bearing on that. I am grateful for the lessons you have taught me. I will take the good parts forward with me, and I will try really, really hard to let go of the bad parts.

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