The Effects of the Maternal Decision to Work or Stay Home
Elizabeth Simpson
Liberty University

Abstract
Maternal responsibilities to a family makes the decision of working or staying home a difficult decision to make. A look at the societal perspectives of working mothers and stay at home mothers further demonstrates the complexity of this issue. The emotional effect of working mothers on their children from a young age and long term emotional effects will be explored. In addition, the effects of the working mother verses stay at home mother’s maternal well-being will be addressed. Spiritual effects of mothering decisions to work or stay home can be both positive and negative. The effects are largely dependent on the level of spiritual commitment of the mother. The level of spiritual commitment verses the spiritual effects on the mother are parallel to one another. Overall, the effect of the decision on how to mother is personal, but knowing the facts about the effects of the decisions made will assist a mother in making the right choice for her.

Becoming a mother is a huge responsibility for every woman God has blessed with a child. Decisions that could affect a child’s life must be made. One of the decisions facing new mothers is whether or not the mother should return to work once the child has arrived. This is a decision that should not be made lightly. Understanding different societal pressures, the emotional effect to the child and mother due to the decision to work or stay home after having a child, understanding the long-term effects of this decision and the spiritual effects of this decision allows the mother to make an informed decision.
Societal Pressures The decision of new mothers to work or stay home is polarizing in society. One perspective is that women who stay home with their children have prioritized the family over the paycheck. Dillaway and Pare (2008) state,” “Societal norms assume women are “at home” and
“not working” because they (by choice and calling) prioritize family and children above earning income and advancing in a career”(p. 442). The thought is that a woman called to be a mother will stay home with her children by choice. This would lead one to surmise that if a woman stays home for a calling to be a mother, then she will also work because of a calling. In essence, a working mother is categorized as an uncaring mother. Dillaway and Pare (2008) state,” paid work activity prevents them from being “good” mothers because they do not practice intensive mothering as fully as stay-at-home mothers, and/or might even allow others to do a “mother’s job”. In addition, the need to be a perfect mother is strong. Working mothers have refuted the idea that
Forms of Intimacy and the Effects of a Lack of Intimacy
Intimacy is a way for partners to relate to one another physically, mentally and spiritually. Physical intimacy is more than sexual relations. It is also holding hands, flirty touches and small kisses. Sexual relations are an important part of marriage too. James Gau, in his article Successful Marriage (2011) states,” At the center of every merged relationship is the urgent, even desperate desire for one’s spouse to meet one’s needs. Not meeting them could be interpreted as abandonment or rejection” (p. 653). When a wife sexually rejects her husband, he may perceive it as a personal rejection. He may not consider outside factors contributing to the rejection, but rather feels there must be something wrong with him that causes his wife to reject him. Communication is necessary to overcome this obstacle. This instance leads into the need for mental, or emotional, intimacy. Gau (2011) states,” Intimacy is the process of learning to simultaneously separate from and connect with a spouse” (p. 655). A person must be able to separate his or her feelings from his or her spouse revealing to himself or herself what he or she wants, thinks and feels. Then the person must reveal to the spouse connecting with the spouse, differentiating between wants he or she is responsible for and wants the spouse can meet. Gau (2011) states,” Intimacy requires that (individuals) take responsibility for themselves” (p. 655). The ability to “identify and communicate emotions affect the quality of a marriage” (Cordova, Gee and Warren, 2005, p. 232). Evaluating needs in a relationship also requires a spouse to consider the different circumstances that may be affecting the other spouse. In essence, one must put himself or herself in the spouse’s position and consider factors affecting the spouse. This exercise takes a level of spiritual maturity and personal responsibility that requires deep self- reflection. Not only is personal responsibility needed for emotional intimacy, it is needed for spiritual intimacy as well.
J.O. Balswick and J. K. Balswick (2014) state,” Couples who define their marriage as a sacred relational union relate to each other in sanctified ways” (p. 90-91). There is a direct correlation between a couple’s acknowledgement of Christ in a relationship and the relational virtue of commitment and sacrifice. When Christ is in the center of a relationship, focus is redirected from self-desires to God’s desires. This includes putting the needs and desires of the spouse above themselves. According to Braun,”individuals still fantasize about meeting a soul-mate…one may long for an extraordinary love partner but will probably meet a rather typical one”. The issue is that from a worldly point of view, a soul mate has very little to do with the spiritual soul and much more to do with the physical attraction and desires. Intimacy with God within a relationship will center a relationship and keep it within God’s will. From the creation of woman, man was not meant to be alone.
God created intimacy among humans to show humans what love is. It is through an examination of relationships on Earth that people learn how to love one another. Laurenceau, Barrett and Rovine (2005) of Pennsylvania University state,” The need to establish and maintain close relationships and connections with others has been identified as a central and fundamental human motivation” (p. 314). The key to a successful relationship is maintaining the relationship’s focus on God. Ferracioli (2014) states,” The beginning of romantic relationships is often marked with some degree of delusion and wishful thinking” (p.358). When the fantasy ends, a Christian marriage must be based on more than physical intimacy to survive. It must be based on Christ.
God’s View of Intimacy and Marriage There is a lot of scripture on the topic of marriage. Proverbs 5:18-19 states,” May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love”. God is expressing his desire for marriage to have an element of physical and emotional intimacy. God wants couples to be captivated with one another, not just endure a life together. This is evident throughout the Song of Solomon. In 1:2 it states,” Let me kiss him with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine”. The wife is desiring her husband, not enduring him. God wants the same level of intimacy in marriage today. When God joins two individuals in marriage, they become one flesh. 1 Corinthians 7:4,” The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife”. Hinchliff and Gott (2004) state,” Sexual activity is fundamental to intimate relationships across the life-course” (p. 596). There is no expiration date on sexual activity and intimacy. It is a basic human need. A simple touch, hug or kiss on the cheek shows that a person is cared for deeply.
The Counselor’s Role in Addressing Intimacy Understanding the role of a counselor in addressing intimacy needs of a relationship is crucial to the overall health of a relationship. A client will get cues from the therapist about what level of intimacy is acceptable for discussion. It is important that a counselor knows his or her own limitations. A counselor must remain professional, unshakeable and relatable to clients. There is a difference between relationality and rationality. In relationality, individuals are united as one while maintaining separate identities. J.O Balswick and J.K. Balswick state,” It is in their distinctiveness that spouses mutually permeate each other when they form their union. Unity and distinction coexist” (p. 80). It is imperative that the counselor helps a couple establish both individual identities as well as an identity as a couple. They are to be united, not taken over. Intimacy on an emotional level is a major obstacle for many couples to overcome. J. Spundock (2005) states,” The rise of marriage and family therapy is part of this new discourse about love” (p. 288). Love has been romanticized through movies and media. There is an over-simplified, feelings based view of love that has become a part of society. A counselor must strive to help clients understand that love is an action, not an adjective. Love is what one does, not what one feels. Jeremiah 17:9 states,” The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” It is a counselor’s job to help a couple recognize the need to put love into action. Baucman and Peterman (2005) explain,” When mediation occurred for communication responses, total mediation was demonstrated for positive communication” (p. 321).
Steps to Repair Intimacy Issues in Marriage
Reconciliation in a relationship is possible if God is placed at the center of the issue at hand. The counselor can facilitate reconciliation through prayer, communication techniques and the guiding of the Holy Spirit. J.O. Balswick and J.K Balswick (2014) state,” It is really a matter of the heart, an attitude of grace and empowerment, to take on the form of a servant and to keep the best interest of others and relationships as a precious priority” (p. 100). Individuals must set aside self and consider the needs of others first. This is essential for reconciliation. This cannot be done by just one person in a relationship. It must be reciprocated by the spouse as well. This involves key communication techniques. The spouses must learn to truly listen to one another. The LIST technique is one used in corporate communications, however it is effective in personal communication as well. Teaching couples to truly listen can be challenging. The “L” is for listen. Remove all distractions and give full attention to the spouse and what he or she is saying. The “I” is for indicate understanding. This can take the form of one spouse restating what the other said in a different way to make sure there is no confusion. The “S” is for solve. This may not be possible in one session, however it can involve investigating and discussing alternatives to meet the needs of the spouse. The “T” is for thanking the spouse. Thank you is a word used far too little in society today. Spouses tend to take each other for granted. Individuals become reliant on one another and often fail to recognize the work one does for the family. Saying thank you can open the door for intimacy on an emotional and physical level. It allows for a show of appreciation that is tangible, not implied. This technique allows for issues to be brought to the forefront. It allows clients to face issues head on and work towards a goal of overcoming the obstacles.
Christian marriages require a deeper level of intimacy. They require an intimacy with God. Learning to pray together and for each other out loud together is a blessing to a Christian marriage. Knowing that a spouse is praying for the other demonstrates a level of love and commitment one has for another. It shows that the burdens are recognized. It reveals the desires of the heart and allows for the Holy Spirit to work in a relationship. When a family prays together, God can do miraculous things. Being able to pray for one another can often be uncomfortable, especially for men. Often feelings are implied or assumed. Praying aloud for one another allows a safe forum to be honest with the needs of the family to God. One of God’s highest priorities is preserving families. God designed marriage and families to accomplish his purpose. The Bible teaches couples how to treat one another. 1 Peter 3:7 states,” Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life that your prayers may not be hindered”. A man who prays for his family is allowing God to bless his family. This takes a level of emotional maturity and humility that must be sought. If a man is seeking to do the will of God, God will provide the answers.
Intimacy, whether it is emotional, physical or spiritual, is an important part of marriage. When one dimension of intimacy is missing, the balance in a relationship is off. Understanding God’s will in a marriage is key to the success of the marriage. A couple must come to revel in the delight of physical intimacy as God has promised. Communication to intimately discuss needs and desires is needed for emotional intimacy. Ultimately for a Christian marriage to work, God has to be at the center of the relationship. When a spouse can put the needs and desires of the other spouse above his or her own needs and desires, God can work miracles. A counselor must work to open the intimacy between spouses through the use of communication techniques, prayer and the intervening of the Holy Spirit to heal a marriage lacking intimacy. Ultimately it is God that will restore a marriage. This can only happen if He is sought. An effective counselor must restore a couple’s intimacy with Christ and restore the intimacy between the two individuals in a marriage for a couple to experience a healthy Christ-centered marriage that is pleasing to God.

References
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