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Just Something

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Submitted By nikki2fit
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With sweaty palms and an aching heart I stood before the congregation ready to let them into my world. It’d been 6 weeks since I first walked into New Light Deliverance Church. The pastors soft spoken words had touched a place inside me that I never knew existed. Over the weeks I sat silently rocking in my personal worship as other gave their testimony. The members were from all walks of life and everyone had been through something but there stories were nothing like mine.

“Good morning. Over the past couple weeks I’ve come to personally know many of you through your personal testimonies. This morning I would like to share with you mine.

A lot of us carry around the pain, hurt and bitterness of our past and wonder why we can't seem to find happiness. The sky is always grey and misery seems to always follow us. I to was what Erykah Badu called a 'Bag Lady'. Dragging around my hatred and animosity over what others did or failed to do like it was a badge of honor. It took a long time for me to be able to look in the mirror and like what I saw looking back me.For years I saw a victim. A victim of my mother's addition, a victim of my father's absenteeism, a victim of the men who raped me, a victim of the ones I loved abuse. My every waking moment was filled with hatred and anger. I literally walked around like I had an "S" on my chest. I'd been hurt so much that I refused to let anyone close enough to ever hurt me again. Sure, I was safe(I thought) but I was lonely and bitter. My comfort came when I turned on the radio one morning and heard Luther Barnes singing, "I'm still holding on to God's hand". I remembered how much joy I had in my heart when I was holding on to God's hand. Tears began to fall as I sing along, "though I've been talked about, and I've been criticized, I've had to wipe many tears from my eyes, but I'm still, holding on to His hand". As the words flowed from my mouth I reached out my hand. I wanted to be holding on. I didn't know when I'd let go but I knew I had and I knew I'd never escape the demons that follow me if I didn't grab hold and hold on for dear life. That night, I forgave my mother, I loved my father, I prayed for the men who raped me even though the pain of what they took from me would forever be apart of me. I forgot about being used/abused and recalled all the lessons I learned through dealing with those who used/abused me. Those lessons were the only reasons they were ever a part of my life.
Old habits die hard. Yes, I have found myself trying to carry burdens a time or two. When I realize my faults, I do the only thing I can do. I pray:
Father, I am so tired of trying to live today while carrying the baggage of my past. Please give me the courage to face the sins I have tried so hard to bury. Help me to turn away from each one, leaving it in Your hands. Lord, put forgiveness in my heart and a prayer in my mouth for those who've hurt me. Thank You, Lord, for Your grace, Your mercy and Your love. Please fill my heart with the light of Your forgiveness. In Jesus' name, Amen

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