Young Adulthood (Intimacy vs. Isolation) Young adulthood is a difficult time for anyone. Not as hard as adolescence, but still difficult. You now are being asked to balance your ideal of who you are with what the world thinks you should be. Attracting the mate you want, becoming a friend or lover, marriage or cohabitation, these are just a few of the decisions you will have to make. This can be difficult to do if you have had any kind of breakdown in any of the previous stages. Men and women are wired completely different. They do have one thing in common though, the fact they both give “signals” to try to attract the opposite sex. They can be either completely different signals or possibly the same signals, but they are there. If you walk into a room of people, you can immediately tell the people who are looking for a relationship. Whether man or woman, they will be well groomed and dressed, speak affectionately and be on their best behavior. These are just the basics to get interest started. Flattery, touch, trying to impress, and showing respect from either sex could follow. You will have the idiot that uses these things for the one night stand and then hurt the opposite sex though. So care needs to be in place. The best thing that a person can do to attract the opposite sex though is to be themselves with everyone. Because if the opposite sex doesn’t learn to like and love you for whom you are, then the relationship will never succeed in the first place. You would in a sense be starting the relationship out on a lie. Choosing to be a friend or a lover can be a difficult thing because even if you both want to remain friends, the need for closeness and companionship can push you to act as lovers. The major difference, other than sexual attraction, between a friend and a lover is your emotional involvement in the relationship. Lover to me means that there should be emotional involvement on a deeper level than in a friendship relationship. However; to some people, the definition of lover involves no emotional involvement. So to define the differences of a friend or lover would depend on your definition of friend or lover. Once you define your relationship, you then have to decide how you are going to proceed. This may involve deciding whether to get married or cohabitate. I personally feel that cohabitation is not good for anyone thinking of getting married. When you cohabitate, you fall into attitudes about the relationship that are hard to break once the marriage is in place. Also, if you cohabitate, you are more likely to not develop communication skills needed when you enter into the marriage relationship. These things make it impossible for a marriage to survive without a lot of work and counseling.
It was very interesting to read about Gottman’s 5:1 ratio theory. Because I have been in marriage counseling, I would say that I agree with him on his theory of validating vs. volatile couples. I live in a volatile marriage and have for 21 years. Up until I read about this theory, I had always thought that there was something wrong with my marriage and was always trying to fix it. Now, I see a glimmer of hope. Because we maintain that 5:1 ratio, our marriage works. There have been times when it almost fell apart and we had to have the counseling to bring us back to the 5:1 ratio, but I can see as long as me maintain it, we will survive as a couple. It is an interesting theory and I am sure it is turning the counseling community on its ear. I will definitely be learning more about it.