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I Forgave Him

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Submitted By adstamps
Words 1011
Pages 5
Aaliyah Stamps
November 1, 2015
Professor Hinckley
Engl 113

I Forgave Him

Past...

I always thought that a littles girl’s first love, crush, superhero, and leader; was her father. In this case, my step- dad filled in the void, but the longing to have my biological dad in the picture was definite. I felt a gut wrenching pain every time I thought about this man. A pain so strong, only the love from him could take that pain away. He loved me with a string attached. Every time he walked away and disappeared for years, he snatched a piece of my heart way with him. Being so young, timid, and naïve; I knew no better. I was just thinking maybe he was just busy, but no one is ever too busy for their children. My father built up my spirits in him, only to let them crumble. He raised me to dislike him unintentionally, but my heart is too big. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt. The day he married, was the last day I settled for his lies and betrayal. He married the Wicked Witch of the West, Cruella, but left his innocent kids to fade away in the memories of his irresponsibleness.
Mid-Past…

I am a senior in high school now, an impeccable straight “A” student, captain of two teams, and a state powerlifting champ. Everyone thought I had the world held high over my shoulders, when in fact the world was sitting my chest suffocating me, trying to swallow me whole. I focused all of my energy into my academics and extracurricular activities, just so I would focus on any issues I had. Of course, that last really long. I got a call from an unfamiliar number one day, normally I would not answer, but I did anyway. It was my dad. “Long time no hear big head”, were the first words out his mouth. I sat there thinking, how in this great green Earth this man got my number. I pushed me out of my thought by asking for an invitation to my graduation. Flabbergasted by his audacity to ask for one, I preceded into the rest of the conversation with pure- unadulterated attitude. I know it was rude, but when you are working off of raw emotions, anything could happen.
Graduation Day…
The crowd roared feverously as I walked toward the podium. The day was finally here, and my nerves were shot. I looked out into the crow, and there he stood. He looked up at me like he was winning an Emmy for deadbeat dads. .I invited him, but for my selfish reasons. I invited him so he could hear my Salutatorian speech. I know it was shady, but he got the picture. Normally during the long drawn out speeches of the top two in the class, they mention there mom and dad. Well I did one better, I invited my step-dad on stage to give him a personal honor of appreciation. Let me just say, his family got quiet and he left. I know, I know, publicly embarrassing him in front of the entire student body, staff and parents was atrocious, but the smile I had that day was to die for. I felt bad for it later on when I was emptying out my guilty conscience unto the pages of my journal. Present…
I am a junior at Ole Miss now, and just like any other student, I was stressing. Being a full time student and worker, along with not seeing my family was really taking a toll on me. I decided to do a surprise visit to see my family on Halloween. The night before I went home, I had this worrying feeling sitting in the pit of my stomach, and my dad on my brain. I could not call him even if I wanted, only because I did not have his number. It was midterms, so I pushed that out of my head for another day. The next day went as planned, it was time to get on the road and go home. I made it home safely at 7:45p.m. At 12a.m., it felt like my heart dropped. I got the phone call from my uncle that changed my life dramatically. “Yo dad dead”, was spoken harshly with tears running through the phone. I was frozen, paralyzed by the lack of the pieces of heart he took from me. No tear was shed. Only a simple coldly-detached “when and how” was my answer. I scared myself with my own lack of emotion. I know I hurt the caller’s feelings with my response, but it was when he said, “7:45 p.m., burned alive”. He is gone. I came, he left. The irony of a tragic event.
Now….
“My heart was racing. My mind was pounding like a jackhammer on concrete. When I got the definite news about the passing of my father, I felt numb. The mixed emotions I felt made me nervous, not crying made the matter even worse. He really is gone, was what I kept repeating to myself; as if the outcome was going to change. Halloween will never be the same again. Our relationship will never be the same. I cannot fix it, it is too late….he is gone”……I woke up from that dream in a pool of cold sweat, the feelings that I had were fresh, new to be exact. Only it was not a dream. He is actually gone….he is actually gone, became the repetitive phrase of pain in my life. How did I actually get to this point? Does he know how much hurt he has caused? Would he have made it right with us? So many unanswered questions, so many reopened wounds, will they ever heal. Just know I forgave him and I hope he forgives me. A replay of my life was not the dream I was expecting, but maybe it was the end of a new beginning.

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