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“Feeling into”, seeing how it is through another's eyes Experiencing the feelings of another without losing ones own identity


 The

emphatic person senses the other person’s bewilderment, anger, fear or love “as if” it were his own feeling, but he does not lose the “as if” nature of his own involvement.
~ Robert Bolton, People Skills, 1987



Some of the things that help you to feel empathy towards another person:

   

Trust Attentiveness Appropriate Responses Shared Experiences Respect Support



Some of the things that make it difficult to feel empathy towards another person:

Inattentiveness  Lack of interest  Lack of respect



Key elements of using empathy:

Separate our responses from those of the person we are empathizing;  Retain objectivity and distance;  Be alert to cues about feelings offered to us by the other person; &  Communicate to people our feeling for them and our understanding of their situations



Some things a person can do to help in the communication process:
 Stop

talking! Remember if you are talking, you are not listening  Ask questions  Using “mms” and “ahs” to encourage them  Maintain good eye contact  Display attentive and welcoming body language



Some things a person can do to shut down the communication process:

 

Not really listen Not showing interest Not being attentive to the person speaking Poor eye contact Changing the topic



When attempting to empathize with someone you must always watch out for empathy blockers. There are four main types:
   

Domination Manipulation Disempowerment Denial


 

 

“Do it or else” “Don’t ask me why, just do it because I said so”



“You don’t work hard enough”; “You’re always complaining” “Only an idiot would say that”; “You’re neurotic”
“You shouldn’t be so angry”; “You ought to face facts”


Shoulding or oughting


Withholding Relevant Information

“If you knew the “big picture” you would see it differently”

Interrogating (micromanaging)

“How many hours did this take you?” “What are you doing now?” “You are so good at report writing, I would like you do this one.”

Praising to manipulate:



Diagnosing motives

“You are very possessive”; “You have always had a problem with time management” “Why didn’t you do it this way?”

 

Untimely advice

Changing the topic

“Yes it is a worry…by the way, did I tell you I applied for a new job?”
“There’s nothing to be upset about. It’s all quite reasonable…we just do this…than we do that…” “I crashed the car last week” and you follow with “When I smashed up my car…”

Persuading with logic




Refusing to address the issue

“There is nothing to discuss as I cannot see any problem.” “Don’t be nervous”; “Don’t worry it will work out”; “You will be fine”



Always remember that people in trouble want to be reassured and we want to give that reassurance  However the “everything will be alright” approach is not a help. It may actually be a disservice as everything may not be alright



The kind of reassurance that people in difficulty need is not meaningless comfort that the problem will take care of itself, but rather our statement of faith that they will be strong enough to work it out even if it is not alright Let them know that you are available and would work with them in finding something that can help


Some consequences:

 

Defensiveness, resistance and resentment Blocks feelings Diminishes self-esteem Decreases the ability to solve problems Creates emotional barriers between people


People tend to fall into the trap of using empathy blockers in many situations, including:
    

Under stress Feeling angry Frustrated Out of control Out of habit (habitual)

With awareness of our use of empathy blockers we can try to choose more effective methods of communication



When we use an empathy blocker, or shut down our communication when an empathy blocker is used on us, we are probably relying on a habitual and automatic way of behaving that we learned in childhood. In other words “We React”


  

When we pause a moment and choose a response that opens communication, we can “respond” May use phrases such as “I’m listening”, “this really seems important to you” or “let’s discuss it” By choosing to respond, we are taking control of our behavior and opening the door to richer relationships



Once we are responding rather than reacting , there can be times when offering assurances or giving advice can be helpful Those times come after you have listened and others know they have been heard, and after you have shown them respect and recognized how they are feeling


May be given in a cautious, constructive and supportive manner that empowers people to do what they need to in order to move on



 

The previous materials were created by AMFA Local 11 to assist in the education of its Professional Standards Committee members Permission to use granted to any AMFA Local 11 This course was created using materials provided by The Conflict Resolution Network. Permission has been extended to use this material providing credit remains intact on all modules


A. B. C. D. E. Functions of Listening Listening and Hearing Stages of Listening Problem-causing Listening Responses Styles of Effective Listening



“Most of the successful people I’ve known are the ones who do more listening than talking”

Bernard Mannes Baruch (1870-1965) - American financier, stock market speculator and political consultant



“The effective listener is likely to emerge as a more effective group leader, salesperson, or manager”
- Johnson & Bechler (1998), Kramer (1997), Levine (2004)



1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

To learn To relate To influence To play To help


A1. TO LEARN • To acquire knowledge of others, the world, and yourself, so as to avoid problems and make more reasonable decisions


A2. TO RELATE • To gain social acceptance and popularity • Example: others will increase their liking of you once they see the genuine concern for them that you communicate through attentive and supportive listening


A3. TO INFLUENCE • To change the attitudes and behaviors of others • Example: workers are more likely to follow your advice once they feel you’ve really listened to their concerns


• To enjoy yourself and share pleasurable thoughts and feelings • Example: Listen to the anecdotes (interesting stories) of coworkers will allow you to gain a more comfortable balance between the world of work and the world of play

A5. TO HELP • To assist others in some ways • Example: listening to your client’s complaint will help you understand his/her point of view, which may facilitate better solutions



Listening is not the same as hearing


• Hearing - physiological process that occurs when you’re in the vicinity of vibrations in the air and these vibrations impinge on your eardrum • Basically a passive process that occurs without any attention or effort on your part





Five-Stage Model of Listening



1. Stage I: Receiving 2. Stage II: Understanding 3. Stage III: Remembering 4. Stage IV: Evaluating 5. Stage V: Responding



Hearing / Attending

Responding Answering


A Five-Stage Model of Listening


Evaluating Judging

Recording / Retaining


C1. STAGE ONE: RECEIVING • Listening begins with receiving the messages the speaker sends • The messages are both verbal and nonverbal • They consist of words as well as gestures, facial expressions, and variations in volume and tone • At this stage, you note not only what is said but also what is omitted


C1A. DO YOU … • Focus your attention on the speaker’s verbal and nonverbal messages? • Avoid distractions in the environment? • Focus your attention on the speaker rather than what you’ll say next? • Maintain your role as listener and avoid interrupting?


C2. STAGE TWO: UNDERSTANDING You learn what the speaker means


• Avoid assuming you understand what is the speaker is going to say before he or she actually says it? • Relate the new information the speaker is giving to what you already know? • See the speaker’s message from the his point of view? • Ask questions for clarification, if necessary? • Paraphrase the speaker’s ideas in your own words?


• In small group and public speaking, strengthen your memory by taking notes or taping messages • In most interpersonal communication situations, note taking is inappropriate, although you often write down a telephone number or an appointment • In many work situations, taking notes is common and may even be expected


C3. STAGE THREE: REMEMBERING • What you remember is actually not what was said but what you think (or remember) was said • You actually reconstruct the messages you hear into a system that makes sense to you

C3A. DO YOU … • Identify the central ideas? • Summarize the message in a more easily retained form, but take care not to ignore crucial details? • Repeat names and key concepts to yourself or, if appropriate, aloud?


C4. STAGE FOUR: EVALUATING • Consist of judging the messages • Evaluate the speaker’s underlying intentions or motives • Often this evaluation process goes without much conscious awareness


C4A. DO YOU … • Resist evaluation until you fully understand the speaker’s point of view? • Distinguish facts from interferes, opinions, and personal interpretations by the speaker? • Identify any biases, self-interests, or prejudices that may lead the speaker to slant unfairly what is presented?


• Two phrases: a) responses you make while the speaker is talking and b) responses you make after the speaker has stopped talking • For (a): should be supportive and should acknowledge that you are listening to the speaker (back-channeling cues ~ “I see” or “Yes”)


• For (b) : generally more elaborative and might include expressing empathy, asking for clarification, challenging or agreeing
I know how you must feel

I think your evidence is weak here

Do you mean …

You are right!


C5A. DO YOU … • Support the speaker throughout his talk by using and varying your back-channeling cues? • Express support for the speaker in your final response? • Act honestly?


• Listening involves a collection of skills (examples: attention, concentration, critical thinking, and memory)


• The five stages overlap • Listening is never perfect (examples: lapses in attention, misunderstandings, lapses in memory, and inadequate critical thinking)


D. PROBLEM-CAUSING LISTENING RESPONSES Listener type Responding behavior

Gives no feedback, remains relatively Static Listener motionless Seems responsive, but the responses never Monotonous vary, regardless of what you say, the Feedback Listener response is the same Overly Expressive Reacts to just about everything with Listener extreme responses


Reader / writer

Responding behavior
While “listening” reads or writes about matters having nothing to do with what the speaker is saying Looks all around the room and at others, but never at you

Eye avoider


Preoccupied Listener

Responding behavior
Listens to other things at the same time, often with headphones with the sound so loud that it interferes with your own thinking Listens for a cue to take over the speaking turn

Waiting Listener

Listens a little and then finishes your thought Thoughtcompleting Listener


1. Empathic and objective listening 2. Nonjudgmental and critical listening 3. Surface and depth listening 4. Active and inactive listening


• If you’re to understand what a person means and what a person is feeling, you need to listen with some degree of empathy (Roger & Farson, 1981)

• Empathic listening will also help you to enhance your relationships (Snyder, 1992)


• Sometimes you need to go beyond empathic listening to measure meanings and feelings against some objective reality • You have to put your empathic response aside and listen with objectivity and detachment
The entire world hates me …


• Listen non-judgmentally: with an open mind with a view toward understanding • Listen critically: with a view toward making some kinds of evaluation and judgment


E2. NONJUDGMENTAL AND CRITICAL LISTENING • Clearly listen first for understanding while suspending judgment • Only after you’ve fully understood the relevant message should you evaluate or judge • Supplement open-minded listening with critical listening


i. Keep an open mind ii. Avoid filtering out or oversimplifying complex messages iii. Recognize your own bias


E2A. GUIDELINES vi. Be sure to listen critically to the entire message when you need to make evaluations or judgments v. Recognize some of the popular but fallacious forms of reasoning


• Testimonial: use the image associated with some individuals to gain your approval or rejection • Bandwagon: persuade you to accept or reject an idea on the grounds that “Everybody is doing it”


AGENDA-SETTING & ATTACK • Agenda-setting: claim that a particular issue is crucial and all others are unimportant and insignificant • Attack: accuse another person of some serious wrongdoing so that the issue under discussion never gets examined
How can I ever believe you after you lied ?


• In most messages there is an obvious meaning that you can derive from a literal reading of the words and sentences • But there is often another level of meaning


Do you like my hair cut?

Please say something positive!

How you like my new hair style?


i. Focus on both verbal and nonverbal messages ii. Listen for both content and relational messages iii. At the same time, don’t disregard the literal meaning of interpersonal messages in trying to uncover the hidden meaning


E4. ACTIVE AND INACTIVE LISTENING • One of the most important communication skills you can learn is that of active listening (Gordon, 1975)



I can’t believe I have to rewrite this entire budget report. I really worked hard on it and now I have to do it all over again





That’s not so bad; most people find they have to redo their first reports. That’s the norm here




You should be pleased that all you have to do is a simple rewrite. Mary and Peter both had to completely redo their entire projects




You have to rewrite that report you’ve worked on for the last three weeks? You sound really angry and frustrated.


• Try to lessen the significance of the rewrite • Extremely common but does little to promote meaningful communication and understanding


That’s not so bad; most people find they have to redo their first reports. That’s the norm here


Try to give the situation a positive spin


You should be pleased that all you have to do is a simple rewrite. Mary and Peter both had to completely redo their entire projects


John should not be feeling that way. His feelings are not legitimate and should be replaced by more logical feelings


You have to rewrite that report you’ve worked on for the last three weeks? You sound really angry and frustrated


• A process of sending back to the speaker what you think the speaker meant – both in content and in feelings • Not just repeating the speaker’s exact words, but putting together your understanding into a meaningful message • E.g. You have to rewrite that report you’ve worked on for the last three weeks? You sound really angry and frustrated


E4B. GUIDELINES i. Paraphrase the speaker’s meaning • Ensure understanding and also show interest in the speaker • Give the speaker a chance to extend what was originally said

Don’t overdo paraphrase!


E4B. GUIDELINES ii. Express understanding of the speaker’s feelings • Echo the feelings the speaker expressed • Help you further check your perception of the speaker’s feelings • Allow the speaker to see his or her FEELINGS more objectively • Address to anger, hurt, or depression, e.g. say “you must have felt terrible ….”


E4B. GUIDELINES iii. Ask questions
• Ensure your understanding of the speaker’s thoughts and feelings and secure additional information • Provide just enough stimulation and support for the speaker to feel he/she can elaborate on thoughts and feelings • Further confirm your interest and concern but not pry into unrelated areas or challenge the speaker, e.g. “How did you feel when you read your job appraisal report?”


• Listening enables you to:  Learn and acquire information;  Relate and help forming and maintaining relationship;  Influence and have an effect on the attitudes / behaviors of others;  Play and enjoy yourself; &  Help and give assistance to others


• Listening is an active process of receiving, understanding, remembering, evaluating and responding to communications • Depend on the circumstances, healthcare professionals would adopt different listening styles • Several listening options:  Empathic and objective listening;  Nonjudgmental and critical listening;  Surface and depth listening; &  Active and inactive listening




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...English 102 November 26, 2007 Communication is the key Communication is the key to any relationship. These are seven words frequently given as advice to a person struggling with a relationship in her life. Whether a person is having problems with a boyfriend, not getting along with her parents, fighting with a friend, or struggling in school because of a certain teacher, these words can help resolve her problem. Talking about the conflict will lead to a resolution. If communication is not available, two people will not be able to develop a relationship. When a person is constantly surrounded by people she is unable to have a conversation with, she will began to feel very alone. This can affect the way she feels about herself. A person’s self-esteem is lowered dramatically when she is unable to communicate with the people around her. In the world today, being different is seen as a bad thing. While growing up, if a person doesn’t have the same clothes, shoes, or hair style as the other children, she is often made fun of. Most people do not interpret being different as simply an expression of ones own unique style, rather they simply view them as being “strange” or out of the norm. Along with not dressing the same as others in their class, speaking a different language is also associated with being “strange”. This is becoming a bigger issue because America is becoming more diverse. According to Farai Chideya, “Nearly one-tenth of the population is foreign-born”......

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Nonverbal Comunication

...Nonverbal communication can be more telling sometime of our actual thoughts that the words we speak. It is a crucial part of the way we communicate yet it is often neglected. Nonverbal communication includes such things as eye contact, facial expressions, posture, and hand gestures. Even though, we primarily focus on our verbal message our nonverbal message is the first thing other see. In Communicating in the Workplace it states that “nonverbal messages are sent in advance of verbal messages. Before you even open your mouth, your facial expressions, your clothes, your walk, your body posture, your skin color, your hairstyle, etc. are communicating much about you” (Cheesebro, O'Connor, & Rios, 2010, p. 89). When we speak we are also nonverbally communicating whether we want to or not. That is why it is so important that our nonverbal message is aligned with what we are actually saying. If the two do not match then our message can be misinterpreted or lost completely to our audience. Your message can come across as negative or positive depending on how it is communicated. For it to come across as needed it must be presented in a way that is easy to understand for your listeners. It seems that as we technologically advance our communications skills have declined. According to Cheesebro, O'Connor, and Rios (2010), “a more common concern is our lack of clarity and purposefulness when we speak rather than our inability to communicate both verbally and nonverbally”(p.......

Words: 710 - Pages: 3