Even though I knew it was wrong I sat there for a minute or so still in complete shock that his tongue was lodged halfway down my throat. My heart pumping almost completely out of my chest in fear that his hands will shift anywhere else than mine, in which his fingers were intertwined with my cheap chipped chiffon polished nails. Right when I finished worrying about how my hair looked and whether or not my teen spirit deodorant had stuck around long enough for this moment he pulled away. At first I waited for fireworks. Then I waited for chirping birds or a nineties R&B song to play softly in the background but then I got what was really coming, absolutely nothing.
From the moment a young girl sees her first romantic comedy she dreams of her first kiss. I thought of it constantly, probably more than a little girl should think of such content but I couldn’t help it. When most of my friends wanted to play Barbies and pretend like were best friends headed to a party I wanted to pretend we were a couple meeting after the party. I would even practice on some of my willing friends. Needless to say I didn’t have that many friends that wanted to stay for sleepovers. Although my intent wasn’t to give lesbian esc vibes it was nonetheless to get as close to the real thing as possible. I was in such a hurry to feel something other than the hugs my mom gave me before she left on a plane before she would return to her job in northern Virginia while leaving me with my dad and my five other siblings. I would often look at my mom and want to be just like her. She was so beautiful with her long curly hair that she wore mostly straightened and her clear caramel complexion that complemented my dad’s dark skin that contrasted with his hazel green eyes. But most importantly she got to kiss her husband every single day. I dreamed of being pretty like her, I wanted her biracial undertones and although I had long curly hair I wanted the option of wearing it straightened and most importantly I wanted someone to kiss every single day. When my mom was finally able to get a job in Georgia right down the street from Buford which is where we lived in our brick three story house that was placed in the center of our suburban neighborhood, our home life seemed to get normal in the sense that we had access to both of our parents at all times. But this was only temporary, one day my dad got a call from his job saying he was to be transferred to northern Virginia. The same place from which my mom had just quit her job. The whole family was disappointed so instead of moving out of our beautiful Georgian home my parents decided my dad would go and only take who was willing to go. This just so happened to be my transitioning year from the fifth grade to middle school so I decided to take a leap and move with my daddy. By doing this I gave up girl scouts, cheer, and the luxury of at least knowing one familiar face in my sixth grade class but I gained the chance of finding a boy that would give me the best damn first kiss a girl could get. I felt as if I would never get that in Buford, Georgia where the area was predominantly white and nobody wanted to be ridiculed about having a black girlfriend. So with my young minded ignorance I moved to Woodbridge, Virginia and started middle school. I prepared all night to look perfect for my first day of school outfit. I picked from three selections my mom had brought for me before I left Georgia and finally decided on the rainbow printed babydoll shirt and a pair of dark blue denim jeans that had a bracelet charm attached to the pocket. My hair had been put in a sleek black attachable ponytail that was slightly longer than my real hair and matched the gelled down twist in the front of my hair perfectly. But no matter how good I thought my hair or outfit was, nothing prepared me for Potomac middle school. I walked in and immediately saw faces that looked like my own. So many girls that looked as if we had something in common and so much to talk about. But more importantly there were boys. The boys came in so many different styles, sizes, and shapes that I didn’t even know who to look at, so for the most part I kept my head down. After a long first day of complicated locker combinations, trouble finding classes, and holding my beltless pants up all day to prevent any butt crack peeks it was finally time to go home. As I got on the bus I looked around and saw no one I knew. So I sat by myself. Then a nice young girl came up to me and introuduced herself as vanessa. She told me she liked my outfit and invited me to sit in the back with her and her friends. I looked at this girl for a while trying to determine whether or not she was joking because she seemed too cool to be talking to me. I hesitantly smiled and said yes then we proceeded to the back of the bus and plopped down in the second to last bench. I didn’t notice him at first but I looked up and then there they were. Dennel and Denzel Hinds. My twelve year old heart skipped a beat when I saw their perfect faces. They were a pair of twins from the eigth grade that had a complexion that resembled the color of a toffee cake. And there they were staring at me, smiling. “whats your name?” they asked me with such charisma my head almost jumped out of my body. I replied my name in the sweetest yet suttly flirtacious manner possible. They were really nice and all of her other friends were also inviting and told me I should sit with them everyday. After this I made sure that I got to the bus before anyone else in the back seat clan so that I could get the bench right across from the twins and make sure I could save a seat for Nessa. The Friday at the end of my first month in middle school is when I was invited to hang out with them once we got off the bus. They had inviteted me timesbefore but ive always said no due to my strict father. But he was working late tonight so I relunctatntly said yes. We met at the park in the middle of the neighborhood and it began immediately. There were just enough boys for girls and vice versa. They decided we would play manhunt and you had to be on teams. Everyone picked the boy that seemed to be designated for them so that left me with Dennell. As soon as the game started he grabbed my hand and if I didn’t know any better I’d swear I began to float. He told me to hold on while we ran cause he was fast and wanted me to keep up. I giggled like a fool and then asa the word go got shouted we were off. Common sense would be to run towards the safe place however he ran toward the back of a apartment complex where there were no lights, no adults, and no limits. He stopped me mid run and told me to take a sip of his water and to use his chapstick because I was too pretty to be out of breath. I obeyed his oh so charming commands because he was the sun and the moon at that moment. Then we sat down on an empty stair well that led to nothing and he grabbed my face and kissed me. Not just a peck a full on kiss.
So now here we are. The kiss is over and I am expecting a full on “will you be my girlfriend” proposal, but it never came. I was so naïve and after three minutes of silence I decided to go on a limb and ask. “so what does this make us?” he replied with a slight smirk and giggle. He said “I knew you would say that…”. He didn’t have to say anything else his silence spoke volumes. I realized instantly I had gotten played. All of a sudden Virginia wasn’t so taboo and kisses weren’t sweet and if I felt anything at that point it was disgusting. I went home and cried like a baby. I called my mom just to hear her voice I missed her so much. I didn’t want to live with my dad any longer let alone look at him because he was a part of the boy species. After this everything seemed to change. I would sit in the back of the bus only across from girls and all of a sudden life changed meaning from being about the ultimate goal of love to just having fun and being a kid. I remembered my first kiss through everything I did and everyone I met while growing past my middle school years and became one of the most cautious and skeptical people you’ll ever meet.